To Sir, with love

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for GoodPieRupeeTuesday, June 3^th , 2014.

Happy Birthday to Ed, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.

So We had a lovely surprise last night (and when do We ever say THAT?) when a bunch of former students from OurMizGerre’s sketch comedy class showed up to last night’s class and hung out for drinks afterwards. (It is unclear to Us whether We have mentioned within these e-pisstles before that, if you were (subjunctively) a Drexel student, you could take an elective class in sketch comedy.  Which is taught by OurMizGerre.  With Us as her assistant.  And Jerry Mathers as The Beaver.  You could bring Us apples, and stay after class to clap Our erasers.)

Sigh.

In other news, on a WorldWideInterWebNetzian forum that We frequent, OurPatrickWhoArtInGreaterBostonia mentioned that he tied his boyfriend’s tie prior to seeing him off on a job interview.  Which led to the following sentence (and We quote): “I'm surrounded by adult men who never learned that the bunny goes around the tree twice and then down the burrow.”

Now, is it just Us, or does that sound like the perfect opening sentence for a piece of child pornography?  If, that is, by “child pornography”, One means NOT “pornography with children in it” (which is, of course, a deplorable concept), but rather, “pornography FOR children”.  Which would probably be animated.  And contain pastel-colored fluffy forest animals, including (but not limited to) bunnies. And many commonplace everyday objects inexplicably made out of candy.

(It occurs to Us at this juncture that, if people who are looking for child pornography find it by Googling the phrase “child pornography” on Wikipedia, they could wind up here today.

Won’t they be disappointed?

Heh.)

Speaking of birthdays, We are awaiting with bated breath (because We are nothing if not a master breath-bater) the arrival of Our birthday gift of tickets to see Hedwig and the Angry Inch starring Neil Patrick Harris and Larry Hagman.

(We are just going to keep right on saying that until that show closes, thereby demonstrating the utter futility of Creative ViZZZualization.  (Although apparently We have viZZZualized well enough that one poor deluded Gentle Reader actually imagines that We already HAVE said tickets.))

(How many of you are now picturing Larry Hagman as Yitzhak?  (How many of you are now saying, “That stupid bitch Starzina can keep doing this gag all the way till August, ain’t NOBODY buying her no damn Hedwig tickets”?)))

In other news, We find Ourselves (not that We were looking for Us, but it’s a figger of speech) in the sign of Gemini, Our video for which is above …and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends: http://youtu.be/Yj7enrUk6js ))).

Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is Our previous Gemini video, which is the first Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video We ever made.  Just look how far We’ve come! (Ooops…did that get in your eye?):

And here’s the HorrorScope.  From The Onion.  Because We?  Gots shit to do.:

Aries

Love has been compared to many, many things, but thanks to your unique outsider's perspective, you'll be the first to spot its uncanny resemblance to the international bauxite market.

Taurus

Although it's true that violence never solves anything, it turns out it's just fine for a quick temporary fix in many situations.

Gemini

The say that it's not how well the bear dances that's impressive, but that the bear can dance at all, which is kind of insulting considering the number of hours you spent teaching it.

Cancer

You'll come to in a New Orleans brothel between a dead politician's daughter and a duffel bag full of cash, but unfortunately it's all easily explained and is cleared up within minutes.

Leo

Okay, the stars realize that last week's prediction of increasingly lower temperatures may not have been that impressive, but this week's incubus invasion should make up for it.

Virgo

The old saying that there are no second acts in life may or may not be true for everyone, but you're going to be more concerned with how they just skipped ahead to the ending.

Libra

You'll singlehandedly embody the dreams of an entire nation when you get a very large food item for free after eating said item in less than an hour.

Scorpio

You'll soon provide proof that a small, dedicated group of people can change the world by accidentally driving a rented moving truck into a petroleum storage facility.

Sagittarius

Your week will be so varied, interesting, and surprising that eventually the coroner will just give up, shrug, and write "heart failure" in the spot marked "Cause of Death."

Capricorn

This will be a good week to renew the bonds of friendship, especially the ones on the nurse you keep chained to the basement water heater.

Aquarius

While it's true that only God can judge you, it also won't take Him more than a couple seconds.

Pisces

Your biggest mistake wasn't assuming there was some kind of secret to life. It was assuming that it was the kind of secret that would make your life better.

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

WAR! (Mm-hm.) HUH! (Mm-hm.) What is it good for?

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Friday, September 21, 2012.  Our calendar would like Us to know that it is the UN International Day Of Peas.  All they are saying is give peas a chance.  We are, unfortunately, not a fan.  We don’t like peas on a good day, other than possibly a stray pea or two in a good minestrone, and the idea of whirled peas makes Us nauseated.

What?  Oh.  Never mind.

Equally unfertile comedically are today’s celebrity birthdays, unless one of YOU can think of a joke that starts out, “Bill Murray, Larry Hagman, and Stephen King walk into a bar…”

Sigh.

Also unfunnily (which, according to Micro$oft Weird™, is not a word.  Isn’t that funny?  (Here’s a hint:  NO.)), We are currently contemplating the speed with which September has flown by, largely due, We surmise, to the Fringe Festival, wherein, unless One’s friends are IN One’s show, One does not see them, unless they are civilian friends, and COME to One’s show.  In Our Own particular instance, We suspect part of this is due to a paucity of that particular commodity, a factor which We had, prior to September, been actively working to rectumfy.  (Our WorldWideInterWebNetz wanted you to know that paucity > scarcity > dearth.  (If you don’t know what that means, you probably shouldn’t be having your mother read Erix Daily Horoscope to you in your bath.))

Tickets, meanwhile, are selling like hotcakes (to total strangers, anyway) for The Match Game, so grab yours quick before they’re gone:

http://livearts-fringe.ticketleap.com/real-housewives-of-south-philly-play-match-game/#view=calendar  There are only four more shows:  tonight and tomorrow at 7:30, and Sunday at 6 and 8.  If you are undecided as to when to come, may We steer you towards the 8PM Sunday show, which is certain to be the wackiest, zaniest, and most madcap.  You’re welcome.

It is difficult to believe that it was only three short weeks ago that HimSelf was named Groovy Reader of the Month over at Deep Dish:  http://marcharshbarger.blogspot.com/2012/09/groovy-reader-of-month-eric-singel.html

Here is a little interview given by Jesus H. Christ, who is a Match Game celebrity:  http://blog.livearts-fringe.org/2012/09/14/philly-fringe-vital-stats-jesus-christ/

Here is what the City Paper reviewer had to say about Our little epic:  http://www.citypaper.net/blogs/criticalmass/FRINGE-REVIEW-Real-Housewives-of-South-Philly-Play-Match-Game-.html

Here is last year’s Virgo video, just in case you prefer a bit of naked angel with your morning horoscope:

Apropos of nothing, urban dictionary would like us to know that “shaking the ketchup bottle”  is a euphemism for masturbation.

Here’s the HorrorScope:

You feel more open than usual, (Gee…sure hope nothing falls out. (Poop!))

and your terrific social energy (To say nothing of Our terrific social disease.  (SSSHHHH…say NOTHING!))

should keep you chattering away about almost anything that comes to mind. (Of all the things We’ve lost, we miss Our mind the most.)

Try not to over-share, (Shouldn’t that be over-Cher?)

but don’t freak out if you do.  (Okay, those of you who know what We’re like “normally”…do you have any interest in seeing Us “freak out”?  We didn’t think so.)

Today, an unexpected encounter will spark the start of a new phase of stronger, more independent thought. (How unexpected can it be, now that you’ve told Us about it?)

You’re not going to be as interested in joining a group of people as you will be at exploring new hobbies, movies, and destinations on your own.  (Paucity, scarcity, dearth.  (You DID read that like “lions and tigers and bears”, didn’t you?  (If not, We’ll wait while you go back.)))

(This is We, waiting.)

The urge to go it alone (Are We talking about shaking the ketchup bottle?)

might make you a little nervous or even scared, but it will be welcome. (What is “it”?)

You’re looking for stimulation, and the kind of stimulation you get is not necessarily as important as the way it makes you feel — inspired!  (Well, that’s one word for it.)

You have hundreds, possibly thousands, of friends and acquaintances, (Which part of “paucity, scarcity, dearth” was unclear to you?)

but how do you spot that special someone?  (Um, they got off the short bus.)

 Well, with your free and careless style, that shouldn’t be a problem.  (Was “free and careless’ really the phrase you were looking for?)

Your knack for picking out just the right person for the right occasion (You do realize that people and purses are two different things, yes?)

won’t leave you lonely or deprived where it counts. (“Deprived Where It Counts” was, of course, Our nickname in high school.)

 

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

                            

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                    

At last all too well I can see where we all soon will be

Greetings, Entourage Repulses Indiscreet Celebrity---

Here is your horoscope for Tuesday, September 21, 2010(Oh, my dears.  We attended a focus group last night, where ten of the dullest people on this or any other planet sat around talking for two hours about cable television.  The dullness, the tedium, the ennui…We kept praying for a cigarette break.  We actually went to the rest room at one point, just so We could talk to Ourselves and possibly stay awake.  (Eric Junior told Us a joke.  He’s funny that way.  (Not so much “funny: ha-ha” as “funny…he spit on me, so I broke his neck”. (We would repeat the joke, but it was too dirty for polite company such as yourselves.  (Hey, We’re telling you Our p3nis told Us a joke…did you think it WOULDN’T be dirty?)))):

(That’s a whole lotta stuff about d1ck so early in the morning.  In other news, you can go herehttp://www.delawarescene.com/event.php?id=4014  to get FIVE DOLLAR tickets to see the WaitStaff’s Real Housewives of South Philly at the Wilmington Fringe.  Are We two-bit wh0res, or what?)

(Speaking of wh0ring, here’s Everybody’s Favorite Messiah, Jesus H. Christ, with His YouTube video:

)

(Our-O-Scopes:)

You need to keep things close to home today — in fact, it’s best if you do as little as possible. (You should be so proud of Us…We were going to run away to DownaShore for a couple of days this week, but We decided not to spend the money that We don’t have.  So We’re staying home and being cranky.  Yay, Us!)

Your energy is just right for quiet, domestic tasks (Should We darn a  sock or tat a doily?  Decisions, decisions.)

or for just chilling in front of the TV. (Season premiere ofGlee…problem solved!)

 It’s pretty hard to plan for the future (When it’s been cancelled.)

when you don’t have a solid understanding of what’s happening in the present. (Wait…there are presents?)

Oh sure, you kind of have an idea of what’s going on (Heh. Fooled YOU.)

— heck, (“Heck”?)

you know as much as most people do. (Somehow, with “most people” being the fu(king morons that they are, We don’t find this comforting.)

But you are a deep, psychologically insightful person, (BWAH-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAH!!!)

and you have the tools to really, truly grasp what your current world looks like.  (We’re not exactly sure how much help a Phillips head screwdriver is going to be in this instance.  Should We go buy an adz?  Or will this monkey wrench suffice?)

(Micro$oft Weird™ is suggesting that, instead of an adz, We might want to buy an ad.  Apparently, Micro$oft Weird™ HAS met Us after all.  (Although, having suggested that, why is it now claiming that “ad” is misspelled?  And suggesting, as a replacement, “ad”???  Micro$oft Weird™ is…well…WEIRD.))

If you do this, then you greatly enhance the chances that the plans you make will be relevant and effective. (Is it just Us, or do “relevant” and “effective” plans sound like no fun whatsoever?)

So go to it!  (We keep getting distracted by bright shiny Internetz…didja know it’s Larry Hagman’s birthday?)

Patience is hard to come by (When you’re an ARIES, you fu(king moron.)

when dealing with your love life today. (Wait…We have a love life?)

Can you try to wait it out? (Oh, see, We must have misunderstood you the first time…We’ve been trying to WEIGHT it out.  And, judging from the size of Our @ssz, We’ve been doing an excellent job.)

Letting things unfold naturally, (What kind of advice is this?  Do you sit around waiting for your laundry to “fold naturally”?  We don’t think so.)

or letting them come to you, (Insert dirty joke told by Eric Junior here.)

 is the best way to go for now. (Well, THERE’S a self-help book that nobody’s gonna read.)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes):
http://www.humorscope.com

 There’s always room for cowgrass)