Black strap molasses, you’re my orange blossom honey bear.

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for Friday’s Eve (For that “not-so-fresh” feeling…), June 12^st  , 2014.

Happy Birthday to Seth, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.

We have precious little to report today…no candy penises (penii?), no fillum festivals, no epic nuclear poops at the Barnes & Noble, no rock-and-roll numbers in which We hump the stage…

Sorry…Our needle got stuck.

Never, however, let it be said that having nothing to say will stop Us from talking.

First and Formsoa, We are murder-mysterying tomorrow…on Friday The Thirteenth (dun-dun-DUN).  Is anyone interested in discount tickets to same?   We can get you $20 tickets for a four-course dinner and the show (drinks and gratuity not included).  See description here: http://www.bistroromano.com/mystery-theatre/  and get at Us if you wanna come.

Seconal, OurAmericanCousin Kelly (not to be confused with Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist) (and all-around AssHatt) Kelli (you can tell the names apart because AssHatted AssHo Kelli’s name ends in an “I”. Which is dotted with a smiley face.  Except the smiley face has crossed eyes, and looks like Tom Hanks in Forrest Gump)) sent Us an ad this morning in which marshmallows were roasted, hollowed out, and filled with shots of Kahlua™. We countered that amaretto or Frangelico™ would probably also be good, and a subsequent source suggested Baileys™.

Unfortunately, the only info We have is what appears to be a Kahlua™ ad, with a picture-perfect picture of the result (which see: http://www.pinterest.com/pin/82120393180477856/ ), with no step-by-step instructions on how to accomplish same without involving One’s local fire department.

So, Gentle Readers, have you ever roasted marshmallows in your home, presumably in your oven, in some way that would be controlled enough to achieve these results?  Leave Us comments…

ThurstonHowellTheThird, We find Ourselves (not that We were looking for Us, but it’s a figger of speech) in the sign of Gemini, Our video for which is above …and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends: http://youtu.be/Yj7enrUk6js ))).

A random WorldWideInterWebNetzian headline: Celebrity Crotch Sniffer Vitalii Sediuk Sports Brad Pitt Tank Top For Community Service

Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is Our previous Gemini video, which is the first Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video We ever made.  Just look how far We’ve come! (Ooops…did that get in your eye?):

And here’s the HorrorScope:

Meanwhile, from The Celebrities Whom No One Knew Were Still Alive And Who Are Having Birthdays Today:  Jim Nabors.  And Vic Damone.

Cultural inspiration is coming your way.  (Oh, good…bring on the marshmallow makers from Madagascar and Mozambique…)

It could be artistic or literary or almost anything else, but you should be able to weave some new threads into your tapestry by the end of the day.  (Kiss Us quick, We’re Carole King.)

(That was a joke for the old folks.)

(We DO mean Carole King and not Carly Simon, don’t We?)

It might do you some good today to step back from your crowd of friends (Yeah, it’s crowded alright.)

and look at things from an outsider’s perspective. (Please, Escher, don’t hurt ‘em.)

(That was a joke for the less-old folks.  And the nerds.  And people who like jokes that aren’t funny.)

You’ll finally see things as they truly are, (You’ll shoot your eye out, you’ll shoot your eye out…)

 which will either reinforce what you were hoping for (Hedwig tickets?)

(You thought We forgot about that, didn’t’cha?  But We?  Have a mind like a steel sieve.)

 — or make you feel like big changes are in order.  (Alphabetical order?  Or order of height?)

If it’s the latter, don’t be alarmed. (If it’s the Latter Day Saints, on the other hand, pray that it’s Wes Ramsey and Steve Sandvoss.)

(That was a joke for The Gays.  Of all ages.)

Do what feels right, (Alrighty, then…Wes Ramsey and Steve Sandvoss, here We GO!)

and don’t shy away from explaining yourself.  (Yeah.  ‘Cause We are so frequently at a loss for words.)

People respect the truth, (You can’t handle the truth!)

and they’ll respect you for speaking it.  (And Aretha Franklin for singing it.)

(Another joke for the old folks.  Who may or may not be black.  But who definitely like The Jokes That Aren’t Funny.)

You’re ready to learn all about someone new, but if they’re somewhat retiring, they might feel overwhelmed.  (If they’re retiring, aren’t they more likely old than new?  Just sayin’.)

Watch for clues about their comfort zone, and make sure communication goes both ways.  (Doesn’t communication BY DEFINITION go both ways?  AssHatted AssHo.)

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

Love is a battlefield

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for FriedEgg, February Fourteenf, Twenny Fourteen.

Happy VD to all of Our VD-infested Gentle Readers.  Ever the source of positivity and moral support, the WorldWideInterWebNetz provided Us with this cheerful thought this morning:

Adolph Hitler?  Had a significant other.  So, if you do not have a significant other, you are less popular than Hitler.

We felt compelled to pass it on.  You’re welcome.

Speaking of the WorldWideInterWebNetz, We generally attempt to refrain from having battles of wits with the unarmed thereon.   Yesterday, however, Our refraining efforts failed Us.  We won’t bother rehashing the entire story here, but if you tiptoe through HimSelf’s SitOnMyFacebook page, you will see what We mean.  And don’t neglect to take a side trip to one of Our Greater Bostonia event pages, where you will learn that Our opponent of limited brain capacity thinks that We “look like” (GASP!) a drag queen! (You will also learn that the correct grammatical rule for punctuational emphasis is to employ five…count ‘em, FIVE…exclamation points.)

Happy Birthday, meanwhile,  to Bobby, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.  Happy Birthday also to Marcalee, who also turns twenty-four today, in, it would seem, Alabama or some such.

Happy Belated Birthday, in other news, to Frannie and to Ken, each of whom turned twenty-four yesterday, while We were otherwise engaged.  Romper stomper bomper doo.  (If you understand what We just said, you are old. (If, on the other hand, you are thinking, “Who the hell would get engaged to that demented old crone?”, then clearly you have at least been paying attention. (Extra credit if you just said, “Sorry…what did you say?”)))

What We were engaged IN, in addition to mundane tasks such as snow shoveling and laundry, was making Snow Day Gravy, like an old Italian nonna, which We then shared with Our friend with the Really Big Wrench and the Silky Smooth Buttcrack Of Life.  (Despite these poetic appellations, We somehow managed to remain unengaged by the end of the evening.  (Less popular than Hitler…despite Our amazing gravy.  Sigh.))

What We DID find Ourself engaged in was watching Captain Phillips, about which We knew literally nothing, except that it starred Tom Hanks and some heretofore unknown black folks.  We highly recommend it, although, like most of the Oscar™-contender fillums We have watched recently, it would be improved by being trimmed by a good half hour.

Moving on,  here is what We now want you to do:

Think of all of your friends who live in, or know people who live in, or know people who know people who live in, Greater Bostonia or its environs. For example: Matt Damon, Ben Affleck, Mark Wahlberg. (Pay attention!) Now share the information in the following paragraphs with them, via SitOnMyFaceBook, or smokesignals, or autographed Calvin Klein™ underwear.  (Sorry…We forgot Ourself for a moment there.):

LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour  does Greater Bostonia!

On Friday, February 28^th, We will be at Club Café in Boston:

http://www.clubcafe.com/looking-for-uranus-starzina-starfish-brownes-comeback-tour/

SitOnMyFaceBook event here:  

https://www.facebook.com/events/1402244933363959/

On Monday, March 3^rd, We will be at Opus Underground in Salem:

http://www.gooutloud.com/starzina/

SitOnMyFaceBook event here:  

https://www.facebook.com/events/1379652125635846/

Thank you all in advance for alerting your Greater Bostonian friends.  (You ARE alerting your Greater Bostonian friends, aren’t you?  Each and every one of you has at least ONE SitOnMyFaceBook friend in Greater Bostonia…you have all been invited to these gigs, so go, say you are coming, and use the “Invite Friends” button to, ya know, invite your friends.)

Warm kisses, meanwhile, to Patrick, and Kevin, and everyone else who’s working so hard to get Us up there.  We have decided that, on this trip to Greater Bostonia, We are finally going to try a Lobster Roll for the first time.  Because who DOESN’T want to learn a new position? Especially with Matt Damon, Ben Affleck, and Mark Wahlberg in the house…

 We are currently in the sign of Aquarius, the only sign of the zodiac for which there is only one Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video.  

Fortunately, it doesn’t suck.

Our video (Aquarius, for you naked skimmers who aren’t paying attention) is above, and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends:   

  http://youtu.be/ovOtlxcnC50

And now, the HorrorScope…

Our celebrity birthday website informs Us that today is the nineteenth birthday of one Diego Fagundez.  Who the motherfucking fuckety-fuck, We hear you ask, is Diego Fagundez?  He is a soccer player (in New England, We just learned…hmmm…).  Not, naturally, that We have any earthly idea what soccer even is, although We do recall a long and very tiresome fillum in which the aforementioned Tom Hanks was consistently upstaged by what We subsequently learned was a soccer ball, but that’s not important right now.  What IS important is that you Google up some images of young Diego on Wikipedia, then you conjure him up (by saying, “Fagundez, Fagundez, Fagundez”, naturally (much like “Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice”, except when you’re done, you get a hottie instead of Michael Keaton)) and bring him to one of Our Greater Bostonia shows.

KThxBye.

Your creative energy is undeniable today (Oh, please.   We can deny ANYTHING.)

— so bust out with some new ideas or show your boss what you can do.  (We can be less popular than Hitler.  Without even trying.)

It’s easier than you think to change the way you live your life!  (Well, DUH!  Just DIE!  There ya go!)

Do not jump and run (Have you met Us?)

at the sound of someone else’s alarm today — your sense of urgency is different from the next guy’s.  (Indeed.  And rightly so.  For example, last night’s snow (as opposed to yesterday morning’s snow, mind you), which We have been procrastinating about shoveling, has all now been melted by the sun, thereby sparing Us the effort.  Let’s see fucking Hitler do THAT!)

Base your actions on what you think is most important,  (Diego Fagundez’s balls?)

not on what you think other people think is most important!  (What?  We meant SOCCER balls.  What did you THINK We meant?  (Pervert.))

It’s not about being selfish; (But is it about being shellfish?)

 it’s about not letting the agendas of others influence your life.  (Somewhere in the middle of that sentence, even though it really wasn’t very long, We seem to have completely lost the thread.  Sorry.)

Now more than ever, you need to maintain a sense that you are in full control of your life.  (Does that make anyone else feel as though she’s telling Us to delude Ourself?)

You’re feeling somewhat reflective,  (And yet, vampires look at Us and don’t see themselves.)

(That was one of those new-fangled existential jokes.  (Existential jokes, for Our comedically-impaired Gentle Readers, are the ones that aren’t funny.))

(Meanwhile, vampires…new-FANGled…get it?  No, really…GET IT???)

but don’t try to suppress it — this emotional clearing is just what you need.  (Scientology…it’s not just for breakfast anymore.)

Use this time to decide exactly what matters the most to you. (Diego Fagundez’s balls?)

(Whaddaya mean, “wrong answer”?  What would Hitler say?)

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.