And you shake it all about

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for SayerDee,  November FiveTeenst, 2014.

Happy Birthday to Becky, who turns twenty-four today somewhere in North Carolina.  We are fairly certain that We at one point knew where in North Carolina, but Our rememberer is not all that it once was, and SitOnOurFaceBook is not being particularly forthcoming.   We are just going to imagine that she is somewhere in East or West North Carolina.  Because being in North North Carolina would be redundant, and being in South North Carolina would make Us wonder how far south in North Carolina One can go before One is actually in North South Carolina.  And is it a gradual changeover, or is there an actual line, where One could have one foot in South North Carolina, and one foot in North South Carolina?  And, if it is an actual line, does anyone ever go there just to do the Hokey-Pokey?

More to the point, do neighbors across said line in South North Carolina and North South Carolina ever chat across their back fence about why they don’t just merge and make one big ol’ Carolina?  Like the rice company? 

(Parenthetically (hence the parentheses), We just Googled the Carolina™ Rice Company on Wikipedia.  Their headquarters?  Is in Allentown.  Pennsylvania.  We call a geographic foul.)

Now, We completely understand why Virginia and West Virginia don’t merge.  We Our Own Self Personally wouldn’t have West Virginia on a bet. But surely there would be benefits to North and South Carolina doing it.  AND North and South Dakota…the only way anybody can tell those two apart is because one’s a top and one’s a bottom.  And We STILL can’t come up with a way to distinguish Vermont from New Hampshire…

Here endeth today’s geography lesson.  (How We don’t have a job teaching grade school, We’ll never know.)

Happy Belated Birthday, meanwhile, to Joe, and Glenn, and Shaun, each of whom, turned twenty-four over the last few days, and to John, who started rehearsals for turning twenty-four.

(Before We move on to Our absence (which makes you Henry Fonda (the humor in here is so layered, so nuanced, so multifaceted, it’s like an onion crossed with a diamond (unlike an onion crossed with a donkey, which gives you a piece of ass so good, it makes you want to cry))), an Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! CONTEST!:

We frequently remark upon the fact that We have seen (what We think is) quite a number of Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! Gentle Readers nekkid.  However, in November to date, only ONE of the Gentle Readers to whom We have wished a Happy Birthday/Belated Birthday has displayed his (or her (well, okay, HIS)) birthday suit to Us.

Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to guess which one.

One guess per Gentle Reader, and the first correct answer wins a prize.

And now, We know you are waiting with (masterfully) bated breath (see what We did there?) to hear why We have been absent from Bloggonia for two days.

Unfortunately, as one of the basic mission statements of Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! is to make YouPeople feel better by comparison, We cannot tell you.

Lettuce just say We’ve had a houseguest, and, being an excellent host, We were busy paying more attention to people in Our actual presence than to people on the InterNetz.

Moving on, in science news, the Washington Post wants you to know that Uranus might be full of surprises:

http://www.washingtonpost.com/news/speaking-of-science/wp/2014/11/14/uranus-might-be-full-of-surprises/?tid=sm_fb

And, in news from closer to home (and thus, paradoxically, farther from Uranus), Justin Bieber kisses boys:

http://notallowedto.com/justin-bieber-tweets-photo-kissing-another-male/

(Which, if you’ve so much as met Us, nakedly skimmed Us, or even thought about showing Us your birthday suit, you know Is all the mention it takes for Us to drag (Heh…she said “drag”) Our Justin Bieber video in neck-and-crop:

)

(Also, didja know that We have been e-pisstling e-pissodes of these e-pisstles in one form or another since 2001?  And that the earliest dead-tree archival records from 2004 are now TEN YEARS OLD, and can be found (for a small fee) here: http://www.lulu.com/shop/eric-singel/erics-daily-horoscope-2004/paperback/product-300894.html  ?  This particular archival volume of memoirs is especially relevant today, as it contains, amongst (many) other things, an account of Our field trip to The City That Doesn’t Sleep (With Us) for the occasion of the aforementioned Shaun’s twenty-fourth birthday (prior to this one)).

We have precious little else to report (Precious Little is, of course, Chicken Little’s slutty sister.  (Else is her married name. (Vacation time shares are still available in the windmills of Our mind for January and most of February.))), so We suggest that, if you’re in the mood for Our usual humor with a  side of smut, you check out Our recent Joseph Gordon-Levitt Day here: 

http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2014/11/go-go-go-joseph-gordon-levitt.html 

or any of the “Elih Tani naked”/”Elih Tani’s penis” chronicles, somewhere in the vicinity of here:

http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2014/10/go-ask-alice-when-shes-ten-feet-tall.html .

Meanwhile, We have leapt feet first, nipples-to-the-wind and tits akimbo, into Scorpio, and Our Scorpio video is above. Here is the link with which you may share it with both of your friends: 

http://youtu.be/UiJLA4MRNNg?list=UUtq4ffsQ_xGu4T5NSA2HfaQ

Thank Gawd We didn’t stray from the point.

****************************************

Okay, We just found out that it’s Jimmy Choo’s birthday, so why the hell are We still talking to YouPeople?  Here, in lieu of call-and-response with AssHatted Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist) Kelli, is A Reading from Madame Olivia:

Greetings Starzina ~

Welcome back. Madame Olivia is happy to see you again.

Madame Olivia would like to remind you that all of us can make a tiny mistake once in a while, in one realm or another. The thing is, that though we might fret, the result can open a whole new way of thinking which can be tremendously positive. The takeaway? To enhance creativity, forget about perfection! Apply this insight as needed and watch what happens.

You know, little Aries, people seem to expect high energy and bombastics from you a lot of the time. What if you don't feel like putting out high energy and bombastics in a particular arena? What if you feel like kicking back and letting someone else do the spearheading? It's ok to hand the reins to someone else and take a time out. In fact it may be essential for you and incidentally for the good of all.

Word of the hour: connection

It's been a pleasure to be with you. Farewell from Madame Olivia until we meet again.

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

The heels are alive

You're WELCOME.

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Thursday, July 12, 2012.  Happy birthday to MizKathleen, who turns twenty-four today somewhere in Suburbia.  And happy Friday the Thirteenth Eve to the rest of all y’all.

It occurs to Us that We may not have mentioned in these hallowed pages that We had taken in a boarder.   This would be the self-same boarder who took up residence here in 2010 after he returned to these parts from the Aloha State. (Parenthetically (hence the parentheses), One wonders just how much of what particular controlled substance One would need to partake of to induce in Oneself a State of Aloha.)  After a brief sojourn (er…truth (heh…We kill Us)) on the opposite side of Pennsyltucky in La Brea Tar Pitts Burg, he was returning to The City That Loves You  (On Your) Back to say aloha to friends and family before returning to the State of Aloha when he decided to remain in these here parts instead.

As They say, Abcess mates with Henry Fonda.  (Gawd, They say weird things.)

The point of bringing this all up now (you’re shocked, We know, to find that We have a point.  Other than the one on Our head.  Next to the hole.), when said boarder has been living here since May, is to share the news that he has now departed.  Yes, indeed, We are no longer being treated to the appearance of a half-nekkid str8 boi with Red-Delicious-Apple cheeks  upstairs and down as We attempt to pen these e-pisstles; We hope We can somehow muddle through.

On the plus side, this particular e-pisstle is late because We can now do housework in the morning, and We can run about OurHouseWhereWeLive bareass nekkid and shower with the bathroom door open.

The moral of the story?  Do not EVAH drop by OurHouseWhereWeLive unannounced, especially in the morning.

Also, since when is “bareass” not a word?  Not only is it a word, it’s one of Our very FAVORITE words.

So We trust you’ve all recovered from your Lisa Rinna Birthday Celebrations.    We have, just barely.  (Also bareassedly (that being the adverbial form of “bareassed”  (which is a WORD, goddammit!))) There are really only so many pairs of Depends™ One can soak through before One has to declare the party totally out of control.

Speaking of peeing your pants, the WaitStaff will be playing The Match Game tomorrow,  Friday, July 13 and Saturday, July 14, at 7:30, at L’Etage.  The SitOnMyFaceBook event is here: http://www.facebook.com/events/234467316672300/, but since YouPeople pay no attention to Us whatsoever, We shall just simply tell you here in big, bold letters that Our Sistah Ovella (aka BOB MASON) will be playing Charles Nelson Reilly this time around.  So get your tickets NOW, HERE:    http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/255809 .  Be there, or be BLANK.)

Here’s the HorrorScope:

Kelly wants Us to know that it is Michelle Rodriguez’s birthday.  Since We’re not entirely sure who the hell that is, We would like to point otut hat it is also Richard Simmons’s (that’ssss a LOT of ESSSSESSSS) birthday, as well as Tom Kenny’s birthday.  (“Who is Tom Kenny?” you ask?  The voice of SpongeBob SquarePants.)  We would also point out that it is George Washington Carver’s birthday, but then We would have to sing “Found A Peanut”,  and that might get stuck in your heads…

Found a peanut,

Found a peanut,

Found a peanut just now

I just now

Found a peanut,

Found a peanut,

Just now….

Cracked it open…oops.  Too bad, so sad, anal sex with your dad.

Meanwhile, how is it that “SpongeBob” is a word, but “SquarePants” is not?  Explain THAT one to US, Micro$oft Weird™.

Your values are out in the open today (Double Coupon Day again?  Who knew?)

— and are likely being tested! (We told you to give him two test tickles.)

(Does that joke ever get old?  No, it does not.)

Just make sure that you stand by whatever you truly believe in, and the situation should take care of itself.  (Mmm-hmm.  Also, the check is in the mail, the dog ate Our homework, and We won’t come in your mouth.)

Don’t be surprised (SURPRISE!!!)

when someone has to jump up and down or squirt you with a water pistol to get your attention today (“Squirt you with a water pistol” had damn well better best be a euphemism.)

— you will be blissfully lost in thought throughout most of the day. (Sorry…did you say something?)

(SWWDT?)

You are slowly moving towards a more inward time, when you will dive deep into yourself to sort through your feelings and figure out where you want to go next. (Wow.  Wasn’t that just all warm and fuzzy, touchy-feely, namby-pamby Artoo-Detoo?)

(Wouldn’t you like to be a peplum too?)

There are a few mountains for you to climb, (Funny, Mother Superior said We had to climb EVERY mountain.  (Well, actually she said “EV’RY”, but who’s gonna correct a 400-pound deranged lesbian with a ruler in her hand?))

and deciding which one to ascend first requires you to take some quiet time on your own.  (How do you solve a problem like gonorrhea?)

The human heart contains an infinite number of possibilities and responses.   (Until you pound a stake through it.  So, thanks.)

So don’t assume that because you and this person have been getting along, (A long what?)

you’re going to have the same reaction to this event. (Can We have an equal and opposite reaction?  With a side of inertia?)

(Long-(LOOOOONNNGGG)-time Gentle Readers will recall Sucretia and Epiphany from the MyBus.  Inertia was their half-sister…Mitochondria was her mama, but Saliva was not her daddy.)

(How wuzzat for a little nostalgia?)

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

                            

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

We’ll always be bosom buddies, friends, sisters, and pals

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Thursday, May 05, 2011.  Happy birthday to The Sainted Mother, who turns twenty-four today.  (Where is the time machine? It’s in the credenza.  Where is the credenza?  It’s in the time machine.)  Also, happy birthday to Katie, who also turns twenty-four today.  Also also, happy belated May The Fourth Be With You Day.  (People on the WorldWideInterWebNetz were saying that all day yesterday.  We STILL don’t get it.  You Yanks and your wacky, zany, madcap fleeting pop culture references.) Also also also, happy belated Hump Day. (Although any hump’ll do…better late than never, We always say.) Also also also also, happy Cinco de Mayo to Our Mayan friends who like mayonnaise.

Whew!  That’s a whole lotta alsos! Also also also also also like an alto lhasa apso eating Alpo™.

Our mind.  It’s terrible that it’s not bigger than Our waist.  This is your brain; this is your brain on drugs.  Any questions?  (Yes!  Why are drugs so fu(king expensive?)

So We have been terribly remiss in forgetting to remember to post these pixtures that We took recently in a Souf Philly churchyard.  (Why is it so easy to forget to remember, and yet so difficult to remember to forget? (That’s a little existential humor, for Our Zen Buddhist readers.  Keep ‘em busy till Memorial Day, that will.))  Yes, today’s Erix Daily Horoscope Pixtures Du Jour Au Jus Jeebus Lubs Me Dis I Know ‘Cause He Made Mark Ruffalo (We have, as We recall, discussed previously in these pages the fact that We do not find Mark Ruffalo particularly All That.  However, he was the only even remotely appealing male celebrity whose name ends in -O that We could think of on short notice and who fit the meter of the song.  Other suggestions are welcome) were taken shortly after Zombie Jeebus Day in a churchyard near Us.  Now, leaving off the question as to why said churchyard did not immediately burst into flames when Our Jimmy Choos first set foot upon it, One still has to wonder how a zombie found its way into a Catholic churchyard.  And why said zombie looks so remarkably like Bart Simpson in a Halloween costume.

The pixtures in question were taken with Our SmartAss Phone.  It’s nice for the phone to have a skill to fall back on, since it so dislikes making phone calls.  And, whatever your religious persuasion, you should be grateful for these pixtures, because they are once again sparing you graphic pixtures of Our maimed big toe. (They are also sparing you pixtures of Our maimed big toe doing Mame. (We have now put Our two big toes together.  The maimed one is Bea Arthur, and the other one is Angela Lansbury, and they are singing “Bosom Buddies”.))

You know We’re just kidding, right?  We aren’t really sitting here with Our big toes together, singing a Jerry Herman duet.  Do you have any idea how difficult it is to teach harmony to a toe?

(Insert “one toe clapping” joke here.)

That was a little something for all of Our foot fetishist readers.  Although One does have to stop to ponder just how many readers One could possibly have with foot fetishes involving Bea Arthur.

And, while We ponder, going blonder, as absinthe drunkens Henry Fonda, the HorrorScope:

Events are moving rapidly today (Oh, We know!  Why, it’s barely ten AM, and already Our toes have staged a Broadway musical!  Just imagine if We were (subjunctively) naked.)

— so much so that even you might have a hard time keeping up!  (That, as they say, is what she said.)

As long as you stay focused, (Sorry…what? (Our Bea Arthur toe just segued into “The Man In The Moon Is A Lady”.))

(All of Our gay boi readers are currently picturing this in vivid color.  They are, unfortunately, somewhat flummoxed by the fact that they cannot imagine what Our toe is wearing.)

all should go as planned, (This is Broadway, Missy; all should go as REHEARSED.)

and you may end up further ahead.  (Well, you know what They say: any head in a storm.  Let a smile be your umbrella, and don’t forget to wear your rubbers.)

(What?)

 They say that only two things are certain: Death and taxes. (And the corollary: dicks in Texas.)

Fortunately, you won’t be dealing with either of those now. (Well, We should hope not.  It’s not even intermission yet.)

Unfortunately, you will have to deal with a lot of uncertainty. (oh, We’re not so sure about that.)

(Heh.  See what We did there?)

Changes will be popping up all day long (Do you pop out at parties?  Are you unpoopular?)

— expect continually revised schedules or postponed social appointments. (Expect to be mistakenly crowned Queen of Norway.)

Just go with the flow and enjoy the fact that change is constant. (You know what They say: the more things change, the more your toes do Mame.)

(Heh. We kill Us.)

In a way it’s freeing (In Norway, it’s freezing.  That’s why nobody wants to be Queen.)

(Is it really funny in here this morning or is it just Us?)

 — don’t let yourself get worried about a certain delay. (Tom Delay?  We DO worry….is he still in prison?  Is he getting laid more than We are?)

When the time is right, it will happen!  (No. No, it won’t.  People will just continue to waste Our time, and annoy Us to within an inch of the Days of Our Lives.)

For once, you’re not tongue-tied. (Hummmanna-hummmannna-hummmanna…)

(Oh, go back and do it like Jackie Gleason.  You KNOW you want to.  (Those youngsters who do not recall Mister Gleason might want to take this opportunity to teach their toes to sing “We Need A Little Christmas”.))

Let your talent for communication do all the work. (Also, let your pages do the walking through the yellow fingers.)

Open, easy communication is sure to clear up any misunderstandings that could get in the way of a true connection. (Alternatively, We could have Our toes sing ‘em a song.)

(Who coaxed the blues right outta the horn?  MA-AME!)

*****************************************************************************  

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.