Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for JustAnotherManacledManEatingManateeMonday, November Tenst, 2014.
Happy Birthday to MizLOretta, who turns twenty-four today somewhere in suburbia.
Happy Belated Birthday to Angelique (because We are so cool that We know people named “Angelique”), and to Henrik, and to Keith, each of whom turned twenty-four this past weekend.
So there We were, one night this weekend, lying in Our bed, trying to go to sleep. Picturing Joseph Gordon Levitt. As One does. But We could not for the life of Us think of his name.
We knew it was a three-name name. Like James Earl Jones. Or John Wilkes Booth. Or Jada Pinkett Smith.
And We knew it started with a J. Like James Earl Jones. Or John Wilkes Booth. Or Jada Pinkett Smith.
Although We were fairly certain that it wasn’t James Earl Jones. Or John Wilkes Booth. Or Jada Pinkett Smith.
We knew that, in the very next room, there was a copy of both Mysterious Skin and Latter Days, which would have told Us Our answer, without having to go all the way to the WorldWideInterWebNetz, and wake Ourself up by Googling on Wikipedia. And eventually, the name just occurred to Us. As such things do. Like James Earl Jones. Or John Wilkes Booth. Or Jada Pinkett Smith.
Does this sort of thing ever happen to anyone else? Just Us? Alrighty, then.
Is anyone else amazed at how quickly #alexfromtarget has become Not A Thing Anymore? Although We were at the CVS yesterday, and if We could have thought of a polite way to take a picture, #lukefromCVS would totally be A Thing today.
Meanwhile, We have leapt feet first, nipples-to-the-wind and tits akimbo, into Scorpio, and Our Scorpio video is above. Here is the link with which you may share it with both of your friends:
Thank Gawd We didn’t stray from the point.
In celebrity birthdays, sorry, Celebrtiy Birthday Website, but part of the definition of “celebrity” is “somebody somebody has heard of”. If the biggest celebrity in your Top Ten for the day is Martin Luther (ya know, the guy who nailed his feces to some church door), it may be time to give it up for the day and start over again tomorrow. (Also, if your feces can be nailed to a church door, you might want to reconsider your diet. Just sayin’.)
· Aries Sometimes words are simply not enough to express how someone is feeling, which is why people keep insisting on defecating on your doorstep.
· Taurus Your quest to become the World's Greatest Lover will be derailed as you continue only meeting people who think you'd be a really great parent.
· Gemini Your old solution isn't going to work on your new problem. Try drinking twice as much of it.
· Cancer You've often said you'd like a word with whoever is responsible for all the bullshit, leaving you conflicted when you're promoted to manager of all the bullshit.
· Leo It will be nothing short of inspiring to see how quickly the community mobilizes once your profile goes up on the dating sites.
· Virgo You'll narrowly avoid an unlikely set of circumstances that almost sees you married to a horse, but you'll still be joined in matrimony to the two guys who were in the horse suit.
· Libra Although you'll admit you enjoy the new Doctor Who, you resent being referred to as "the kind of person who likes the new Doctor Who."
· Scorpio The attention will be nice and all, but until Thursday you'll have no idea there is a world record for Amount of Crap Put Up with in a Lifetime.
· Sagittarius Your inability to be spontaneous is well known, which will leave people struggling to put a name to what happens when you combust without warning next Wednesday.
· Capricorn This is an excellent time for romance in the workplace, leaving you wishing you hadn't signed that pesky form saying you wouldn't have any.
· Aquarius You'll experience a sense of bone-deep certainty that you have not lived in vain now that "lying down on top of things" has actually become a fad.
· Pisces You'll build a better mousetrap, all right, but your mousetrap will be so terrifyingly good that people will avoid beating a path to your door for the sake of their own mortal souls.
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.