Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for FriedEgg, November Twenny-Onest, 2014.
We have still not even read Our Sunday paper yet. At this rate, We might as well wait till this Sunday and read that one twice.
Happy Birthday to Donny, who turns twenty-four today. In North Carolina. (Apex, North Carolina, to be precise. (There’s a smutty geography joke in there somewhere, If you manage to ferret it out, let Us know.)) If Donny is not the prettiest boi in all of Carolina, he is certainly in the top five. (As, of course, is Skye. In fact, if Donny and Skye were (subjunctively) to be in the same place at the same time (say, for instance, Apex), We are fairly certain that jewel-encrusted unicorns would leap into existence and commence farting cinnamon-scented rainbows.)
(How poetical was THAT? And some people think We’re just a pretty face…)
Happy Birthday also to Joseph, who also turns twenty-four today. In New York. New York, New York…The City That Doesn’t Sleep (With Us). And to Beth, who also too turns twenty-four today in WeHo, El Lay. And to Dave and John, who also also tutu turn twenty-four today, right here in The City Of Brotherly Love handles.
Whew…We’re exhausted already, and We’re just getting started.
Thanks to Our most recent efforts, Googling “Grayson Coats naked” and “Grayson Coats’ penis” on Wikipedia now returns hits, much like “Elih Tani naked” and “Elih Tani’s penis”. You’re welcome, Grayson Coats. And Elih Tani.
In other news, non-naked-skimmers will recall that, two days ago, the following happened:
And then, as if Our real-life problems were (subjunctively) in some way insufficient/insignificant, Our sleeping brain decided to regale Us with a totally unrelated nightmare, which promptly woke Us up at an hour far too early for human habitation.
Of course, once awake, Our actual problems began conspiring to keep Us that way, and We quickly realized that We required some sort of diversion. We thumbed (metaphorically) through Our mental file of Gentle Readers Whom We’ve Seen Nekkid, and soon embarked on a pleasant diversionary fantasy which lulled Us back to sleep for an hour or so.
So, Allen in Mississourontanasota, if your ears were burning this morning long about six AM Our time, that would be why.
(And, by “ears”, of course, We mean “not so much your ears at all”.)
And then, yesterday, it happened again. We imagined that, a la Beetlejuice, were it (subjunctively) to happen a third time, We would awaken to Allen’s actual presence in OurBedWhereWeSleep….
What happened instead was this…
…mostly the exact same story as before, except that where Allen had been, there was now…Donny Osmond. And not geriatric AARP Donny Osmond, neither, but twenty-something young-dumb-and-full-of-cum Donny Osmond.
We’re not quite sure how to process that information.
Meanwhile, We are leaving this bit here….
And on this front…
Meanwhile, cold enough for ya? We keep Our friend Doh’s current location on Our weather.com page, to remind Us that, no matter how cold it gets here, it is always colder somewhere else. May We please just tell you that the temperature in Milwaukee, West Wisconsonomington is only five degrees colder than it is right here? At this rate, that poor boy won’t be seeing his testicles till he gets back here in the new year. (For the record, We Our Own Self Personally have never seen his testicles neither. But We believe in them, and that’s what counts.)
…We are happy to report that, as of this morning, it is again TWENTY degrees warmer here than it is in West Wisconsonomington, so all is once again right with the world.
…to remind Us to say, “Check your snail mail.” (Even though today is only twelve degrees warmer than there. (Although they say on Monday, it’s going to be SEVENTY-ONE DEGREES here. We may run nekkid down Warnock Street.))
Is no one going to comment on how adorable this is? Or at all? (Is this thing on?):
Moving on, didja know that We have been e-pisstling e-pissodes of these e-pisstles in one form or another since 2001? And that the earliest dead-tree archival records from 2004 are now TEN YEARS OLD, and can be found (for a small fee) here: http://www.lulu.com/shop/eric-singel/erics-daily-horoscope-2004/paperback/product-300894.html ?
Meanwhile, We have leapt feet first, nipples-to-the-wind and tits akimbo, into Scorpio, and Our Scorpio video is above. Here is the link with which you may share it with both of your friends: http://youtu.be/UiJLA4MRNNg?list=UUtq4ffsQ_xGu4T5NSA2HfaQ
Thank Gawd We didn’t stray from the point.
In celebrity birthday news, Carly Rae Jepsen’s birthday is today. We were going to make a joke about her birthday finally being on a Friday-Friday-Friday, but then We realized We were confusing her with Rebecca Black. Which tells you exactly how “celebrity” they both are.
In actual celebrity birthday news, Chris Bourne’s birthday is today. He plays bass for…oh, who gives a shit….just Google up a picture of him.
· Aries You'll show the world just how good an infant car seat can be once you cast aside petty concerns like cost and safety.
· Taurus It's not true that opening the dictionary to "loser" shows your picture, but for some reason they're still using it for "anteater," "caisson," and "dumbass."
· Gemini Sadly, it turns out that of all the people you've ever known, the only one who has your best interests at heart is comedian Katt Williams.
· Cancer For some reason, all your plans for life boil down to "In the confusion, we get away with both the money and the girl."
· Leo We don't get to choose the person we fall in love with, as is obvious from the human pile of garbage you'll be following around with roses and candy this week.
· Virgo They say if you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything, which is good enough for people who aren't going to have their legs taken off by a road grader this week.
· Libra Now that you take a closer look at what's on display, you can tell exactly why the emperor has no clothes. I mean, Jesus Christ.
· Scorpio You'll be ruled unfit for trial, but they seem to think you're just fine for sentencing and execution.
· Sagittarius You said you'd retired, but $45 and a free bag of groceries isn't something a person can just walk away from.
· Capricorn You have to stop worrying about what everyone else says, especially nonsense like "You should dress better," "Nice people don't do that," and "Put down the gun and release the hostages."
· Aquarius You've always thought of yourself as the ultimate cat person, but you'll change your mind this week after meeting the 7 feet of man and whiskers that is Big Meow Johnson.
· Pisces You will soon make a comfortable living exploiting other people's deep-seated anxieties and crippling fears.
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.