Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for WinesDay, November Twelvest, 2014.
Happy Hump Day to all of Our humpy Gentle Readers. (“Humpy”, in this instance, means, of course, “desirable for the activity of humping”, NOT “possessing one (or more) humps”. (But then, you probably knew that already.))
(Parenthetically (hence the parentheses), didja know that We have been e-pisstling e-pissodes of these e-pisstles in one form or another since 2001? And that the earliest dead-tree archival records from 2004 are now TEN YEARS OLD, and can be found (for a small fee) here:
Happy Birthday, meanwhile, to OurAmericanCousin Ethan, who turns twenty-four today (for REALZ!) , somewhere in the Poconos. (We were thinking that “the Poconos” sounded ever-so-much more glamorous than whatever the name of the actual town was, until We Googled it on Wikipedia and learned that “Poconos” comes from some Native American word meaning “creek between two hills”. Way to be poetical, Native Americanz.)
Also, Happy Birthday to MizLiz, who also turns twenty-four today. In Harrisburg. (See? Wouldn’t “the Poconos” sound ever-so-much more glamorous than “Harrisburg”? (Except, of course, for the fact that Harrisburg is not IN the Poconos. (But since when did We ever let facts get in the way of glamour here at Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!?)))
Also too, speaking of glamour, Happy Birthday also too to Lisa, who also too turns twenty-four today. In Vermont. Which, since We’re busy displaying Our geographic acumen (gesundheit (thank you)), is the state out of the two states “Vermont” and “New Hampshire” that is NOT New Hampshire.
(It pains Us to relate that We actually spent many years of grade school studying Geography for one period a day. That’s a whole damn lot of wasted hours We’ll never get back…)
In still other semi-geographical news, Our actronic friend Doh (whose performance as Justin Bieber see here (We never tire of dragging this video in neck-and-crop):
...is currently somewhere called Milwaukee, preparing to frutt and strett his hour upon the stage as the titular character in A Christmas With Carol Channing: The Musical!
(Heh…We said “titular”.)
Milwaukee is in some big square Midwestern state called West Wisconsonomington. The word “Milwaukee” comes, per a Wikipedial Googling, from a Native American word meaning “gathering place by the water”. (Seriously, Native Americans? Take a fucking creative writing course, fercrissakes.)
Our point (oh, yes, We do indeed have a point (it is on the top of Our head, next to the hole)), is that the temperature in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles today is currently 66. Gathering-Place-By-The-Water’s current temperature? 27. (Which, weather.com would have Us know, “feels like 14”. (So it would probably be cruel to point out that it was 70 here yesterday, right?))
We have precious little else to report (Precious Little is, of course, Chicken Little’s slutty sister. (Else is her married name. (Vacation time shares are still available in the windmills of Our mind for January and most of February.))), so We suggest that, if you’re in the mood for Our usual humor with a side of smut, you check out yesterday’s Joseph Gordon-Levitt Day here:
or any of the “Elih Tani naked”/”Elih Tani’s penis” chronicles, somewhere in the vicinity of here:
Meanwhile, We have leapt feet first, nipples-to-the-wind and tits akimbo, into Scorpio, and Our Scorpio video is above. Here is the link with which you may share it with both of your friends:
Thank Gawd We didn’t stray from the point.
In celebrity birthdays, it is Anne Hathaway’s birthday, and that is all the motivation We need to direct those of you who may not have seen it (or those of you who may wish to refresh your memories) to Our review of her “performance” in the fillum version of Less Miserable: http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2013/02/everybody-raise-glass-raise-it-up.html
You need to spend some energy on digging into your heritage. (Well, one thing’s for sure: based on Our propensity for poetifically waxing verbostic, based on what We’ve learned today, Our heritage sure as hell ain’t Native American.)
You are sure to learn something cool if you make the effort. (We are guessing that probably WON’T be geography, yes?)
There’s quite a sociable day on your agenda, thanks to an affable astrological assembly, (Shut. Up. Kelli.)
unanimously intent on making things as easy on you as possible. (Yeah. ‘Cause THAT’S a frequent goal, here in The Universe.)
If you’ve missed out on any of the good gossip that’s been going around lately, here’s your chance to catch up. (Anne Hathaway is really a man…pass it on.)
Do keep in mind, however, there’s far more than chatting on the menu: Say, more than just a touch of intense romance, for example? (Does anyone else think that sentence really needed to have the word “soupcon” in it, or was it just US? Just Us? Alrighty, then.)
Pay attention to family matters (Sorry…did you say something?)
(Heh…see what We did there?)
before tending to any personal business. (What about monkey business? Where does that fit in?)
Something’s not exactly right or good amongst your kin (Kith?)
and it’s up to you to unravel the strife before it gets out of hand. (Oh, yes, indeedy-doo, We are a Master Strife Unraveler, We are. (Also a Master Bater, but that’s a whore of another collar.))
Be kind, but be firm. (How ‘bout kind of firm? Will that work for you?)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.