Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for TellMeWhy(IDon’tLikeMondays), November Turd, 2014.
Happy Birthday to Michael, who turns twenty-four today, right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.
Happy Birthday also to John, who also turns twenty-four today, somewhere in the suburbs of The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.
And, last but not Lee Strasberg, Happy Birthday to The Lovely And Talented Sean, who turns twenty-four today in Greater Bostonia. We first met Sean on Our very first visit to Greater Bostonia, almost ten years ago. (Which means, naturally, that We were both fourteen at the time. (Do the math, Barbie.))
Here he is performing (brilliantly) on that very occasion. (Check out the whole 15-minute video when you have the time. The video quality is not the best (it is pre-SitOnMyFaceBook (remember MySpace?) and pre-YouTube; it may, in fact, have been recorded using an eight-track-tape player hooked up to a geriatric courtroom artist, but it is still well worth the watch):
Sean is one of those str8 bois that you wanna do just once, because (A.) he’s a Scorpio, so ya just know he’d be wicked awesome at it (“wicked awesome” is Greater Bostonian for “H-A-W-T-T Hottie McHottHott With Hot Sauce”) and (2.) it would be fun to watch his toes curl up when you did That Thing He’s Only Ever Read About And Didn’t Think Was An Actual Thing.
(We are hoping to make it to Greater Bostonia after the holidays, and We are sure We shall have an evening free.)
Happy Belated Birthday, meanwhile, to Amanda, and Beth, and Charlie, and David, and Jen, and John (sigh), each of whom turned twenty-four somewhere in The Known Universe this past weekend.
And what did We do this past weekend, you ask? Well, on Saturday, We managed to somehow pull the murder mystery out of Our ass with two (out of six) new people in the cast and only one (also new) out of what should have been three additional servers for a sold-out house at the Murder Mystery Factory. (We truly should be paid more.)
Then, because when The Universe giveth, it promptly and definitively taketh away, We awoke on Sunday to discover the unfortunate demise of Our hot water heater, which has, as of this writing this morning, been replaced by a shiny NEW water heater, because who DOESN’T want a shiny new water heater?
(Parenthetically, should anyone in Our vicinity require the services of a plumber, We have The Very Best Plumber In The Entire Universe, and will be happy to acquaint you with him. (Also from The Glass-Half-Full Department, We are ever so glad that Our water heater chose to expire when We were actually on the premises, as opposed, say, to away on one of Our upcoming holiday jaunts, which would have resulted in water pouring into Our basement for three days to a week. (We are such a fucking Zen Buddhist these days, Lex In China would hardly recognize Us. (Hi, Lex In China!))))
In between all of THAT excitement, We watched the terrorist-on-a-plane thriller Non-Stop with Liam Neeson and Julianne Moore. We were sorely disappointed…ghastly, misguided script, more plot holes than…something with a whole lot of plot holes. We won’t give anything away, in case you’re going to ignore Our advice and watch it anyway, but We will just say…Julianne Moore must have desperately needed to pay for a new water heater, and as far as Liam Neeson goes…could they just go ahead and make the live-action Mister Potatohead movie already?
(Why We don’t have a job reviewing fillums for the Inquirer, We’ll never know.)
Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!: the WorldWideInterWebNetz’s only official source for “Elih Tani naked” and “Elih Tani’s penis”. (If you have no idea what We’re talking about (lord knows, We don’t), please see here:
Meanwhile, We have leapt feet first, nipples-to-the-wind and tits akimbo, Jonathan Lipnicki’s penis (ooops) into Scorpio, and Our Scorpio video is above. Here is the link with which you may share it with both of your friends:
Thank Gawd We didn’t stray from the point.
And heeeeerrrre’s the HorrorScope:
You need to be extra careful when it comes to frustration (Yeah…We wouldn’t want to accidentally wind up with less than Our share.)
— it’s way too easy to get caught up in your own emotional reactions to practical problems. (WE DO NOT HAVE EMOTIONAL REACTIONS TO PROBLEMS!!! HOW DARE YOU??? SHUT UP!!! WE’VE HAD JUST ABOUT ENOUGH OUT OF YOU!!!)
(Heh. See what We did there?)
Try to relax and breathe deeply when it comes. (On a scale of One to Filthy-Dirty, how Filthy-Dirty was that sentence?)
Like a neon arrow flashing and sirens blaring, what you need to do today is terribly obvious. (And here, We thought We were being so suBtle. Because We are NOTHING if not suBtle.)
The fact is, if you’ve been waiting for push to come to shove, your wait is over. (Actually, We’ve been waiting for push to come to push-push-in-the-bush.)
(That there was a little disco joke. Because who doesn’t miss disco?)
Push has definitely grown into shove by now. (Ladies and genitals, Miss Disco Pushove!)
(That joke sounded WAAAAY funnier in Our head.)
You’ll be sure about your actions, but they might require you to step out of your personality comfort zone. (Apparently, you haven’t met Us. The whole point of Our personality is that it HAS no comfort zone.)
It’s true: Being more aggressive or domineering isn’t easy. (But it’s really, really fun!)
But it’s something you simply must do if you want to get somewhere or get something started with someone. (I Said You Wanna Be Startin' Somethin' You Got To Be Startin' Somethin')
(Michael Jackson in da house.)
Work on your love karma by treating others with extra TLC, regardless of how annoying they might be. (Plus, with every five karmas, you get a chameleon.)
(Boy George in da house.)
If someone asks you out, though, give a gentle ‘maybe’ — now’s not the time to agree readily. (Are you fucking KIDDING Us? We cannot recall the last time someone asked Us out. And We guara-fucking-tee We won’t be able to say “YES” fast enough.)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.