Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for WinesDay, November Fivest, 2014.
In what appears to be the only Happy Post-Erection Day news, Olga Korbut will no longer be governor of Pennsyltucky.
American politics are weird.
Happy Birthday, meanwhile to Aubrey, who turns twenty-four today. In Colorado. (Is anyone else now imagining getting high and fashioning a birthday cake out of Doritos™ and bean dip? Just Us? Alrighty, then.)
Happy Birthday also to Kevin, who also turns twenty-four today. Kevin, SitOnOurFaceBook informs Us, lives in Media. Honey, it’s The Digital Age…We ALL live in Media.
Happy Birthday also too to Rachel, who also too turns twenty-four today, right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.
In other news, maybe it’s just Us, but NO ONE at Our Target looks anything remotely like #alexfromtarget . Not the employees, not the customers, not the homeless people who live out front. (On the other hand, We can WALK to Target from OurHouseWhereWeLive. You are jealous of Us, we know. Jell-USSSS.)
In completely unrelated news, here’s a little ditty by Stephen Sondheim, sung by Jeremy Jordan. It is completely safe for the workplace, assuming, of course, that bursting into tears is acceptable in your workplace. (But then, it’s a workplace…how could bursting into tears NOT be acceptable?) This video is actually an example of an extremely rare genre entitled “Heterosexual Men Doing Musical Theatre”. We’re going to send it out to all the heterosexual men We know who do musical theatre. Both of whom are very nice. (You know who you are.):
Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!: the WorldWideInterWebNetz’s only official source for “Elih Tani naked” and “Elih Tani’s penis”. (If you have no idea what We’re talking about (lord knows, We don’t), please see here:
Meanwhile, We have leapt feet first, nipples-to-the-wind and tits akimbo, Jonathan Lipnicki’s penis (ooops) into Scorpio, and Our Scorpio video is above. Here is the link with which you may share it with both of your friends:
Thank Gawd We didn’t stray from the point.
In celebrity birthday news, confusingly, singers Bryan Adams and Ryan Adams were both born today. We, however, are not as confused as some of you, because We have no clue who Ryan Adams even is.
Meanwhile, Natalie Schafer, who played Lovey Howell on Gilligan’s Island, would be a hundred and fourteen years old today. If she weren’t (subjunctively), ya know, dead.
Also, in sad quasi-celebrity birthday news, Happy Birthday to Kevin Jonas, the oldest, least attractive, and least successful of The Jonas Brothers. The Jonas Brothers being, of course, no longer a thing. Joe Jonas was a thing for a minute, and Nick Jonas looks like he’s gonna be a thing for quite a little while now, but Kevin…enjoy that cake, Bro.
Step right up and volunteer for service today — you can tell that you’ve got what it takes to make a real difference. (Oddly enough, just one week ago today, AssHatt Kelli’s opening sentence was as follows:
Self-confidence may be in unusually short supply today, (Nervous is why…there’s new Soft-and-Dri™.)
but you can still make a real difference. (A real difference? As opposed to an imaginary difference? Is an imaginary difference actually a thing, or is it just a longer way of saying the same?)
Does no one proofread/edit this crap?)
It’s a good time to show others exactly what you are capable of and lead the way. (Will everyone here kindly step to the rear and let a wiener lead the way?)
The encouragement you’ve been waiting for arrives — although you’ll have to find it. (Words have meanings, AssHatt…if it has “arrived”, it’s HERE, and, thus, FOUND. Jeebus.)
Relax, though (That’s what Frankie said.)
— if you can’t quite connect with it today, you will get another chance when you are ready. (Mmm-hmmm. Because The Universe is just chock full of second chances.)
People are looking out for you and are waiting to give you a leg up if you need it. (A leg up where? (That’s gonna HURT.))
You are in many people’s hearts, and today you may really start to understand how deep. (Hey, We didn’t buy this chainsaw for nothing.)
Group activities will encourage some exploration. (Did that sound dirty to you? Because it sure sounded dirty to Us.)
Be a team player and give new challenges the old college try! (Twenty-three skidoo! (What the fuck is she talking about?))
The hotties will be out in full force (Jeremy Jordan? Nick Jonas? Elih Tani? Alex from Target? Be SPECIFIC, Bee-Yotch!)
— don’t be surprised if you run into that neighbor of interest. (You have clearly never been to Our neighborhood.)
Now’s the time to chat it up. (“It”? Honey, if We can’t tell “its” gender, We ain’t chatting “it” up.)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.