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Thursday, November 6, 2014

Which is how I saved Roosevelt

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for Friday’s Eve (for that “not-so-fresh” feeling),  November Sixst, 2014.

Happy Birthday to OurAmericanCousin Monica , who turns twenty-four today in O Hai, Ohio.

Happy Birthday also to Peter, who also turns twenty-four today in Delawhere.
Far-away birthdays mean We don’t get any cake.

In other news, maybe it’s just Us, but NO ONE at Our Target looks anything remotely like #alexfromtarget  . Not the employees, not the customers, not the homeless people who live out front.  (On the other hand, We can WALK to Target from OurHouseWhereWeLive. You are jealous of Us, we know.  Jell-USSSS.)

In completely unrelated news, here’s a little ditty by Stephen Sondheim, sung by Jeremy Jordan.  It is completely safe for the workplace, assuming, of course, that bursting into tears is acceptable in your workplace.  (But then, it’s a workplace…how could bursting into tears NOT be acceptable?) 

This video is actually an example of an extremely rare genre entitled “Heterosexual Men Doing Musical Theatre”. We’re going to send it out to all the heterosexual men We know who do musical theatre.  Both of whom are very nice.  (You know who you are.)

Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!: the WorldWideInterWebNetz’s only official source for “Elih Tani naked” and “Elih Tani’s penis”.  (If you have no idea what We’re talking about (lord knows, We don’t), please see here: 

and/or here:

Meanwhile, We have leapt feet first, nipples-to-the-wind and tits akimbo, into Scorpio, and Our Scorpio video is above. Here is the link with which you may share it with both of your friends:

Thank Gawd We didn’t stray from the point.


In celebrity birthday news, it is John Philip Sousa’s birthday.  And it’s not even March.

(Heh…see what We did there?)

Also, it is someone called Xabiani Ponce de Leon’s twenty-first birthday.  If you are called “Xabiani Ponce de Leon”, you pretty much HAVE to end up famous.  Either that, or they find your decaying corpse stuffed into your gym locker on the last day of school. (Based on pictures of Mister Xabiani Ponce de Leon, “famous” was a much better option.)

Meanwhile, were it (subjunctively) not for Xaviera Hollander (The Happy Hooker), Xabiani Ponce de Leon would be Our first indexed celebrity over there to the right whose name begins with X.  (We Our Own Self Personally cannot imagine how Xavier Cugat (Charo’s husband) wasn’t there until We just mentioned him now.)

Sometimes words are simply not enough to express how someone is feeling, which is why people keep insisting on defecating on your doorstep.

Your quest to become the World's Greatest Lover will be derailed as you continue only meeting people who think you'd be a really great parent.

Your old solution isn't going to work on your new problem. Try drinking twice as much of it.

You've often said you'd like a word with whoever is responsible for all the bullshit, leaving you conflicted when you're promoted to manager of all the bullshit.

It will be nothing short of inspiring to see how quickly the community mobilizes once your profile goes up on the dating sites.

You'll narrowly avoid an unlikely set of circumstances that almost sees you married to a horse, but you'll still be joined in matrimony to the two guys who were in the horse suit.

Although you'll admit you enjoy the new Doctor Who, you resent being referred to as "the kind of person who likes the new Doctor Who."

The attention will be nice and all, but until Thursday you'll have no idea there is a world record for Amount of Crap Put Up with in a Lifetime.

Your inability to be spontaneous is well known, which will leave people struggling to put a name to what happens when you combust without warning next Wednesday.

This is an excellent time for romance in the workplace, leaving you wishing you hadn't signed that pesky form saying you wouldn't have any.

You'll experience a sense of bone-deep certainty that you have not lived in vain now that "lying down on top of things" has actually become a fad.

You'll build a better mousetrap, all right, but your mousetrap will be so terrifyingly good that people will avoid beating a path to your door for the sake of their own mortal souls.

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne
 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.