I woke up in love this morning

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for WinesDay,  December Tenst, 2014.

Happy Hump Day to all of Our Gentle Readers who are camels.  Or who would walk a mile for a Camel™.   One hump or two?  Other pseudo-amusing camel-related bon mots.

Oh, cut Us some slack, bitches…We just found out that, in the midst of the Murder Mystery Factory destroying Our December, the one thing We were looking forward to, prior to going away for the holidays, has been cancelled. So if We want to natter on about camels, We fucking well will, and fuck you and the whore you rode in on, as well.

(Yes, We are aware that We said (almost) the exact same thing yesterday.  We were just so OVERWHELMED with the outpouring of concern over Our plight that We thought We’d say it again.  We did replace “Lois Lane” with “camels”, so everything old is new again.  Except Us. (And We would try to empathize with how Lois Lane might feel about that, but she’s a fucking cartoon character, so the hell with her.)

Meanwhile, who do We have to blow to get a dick pic sexted to Us?  Jeebus Cripes.

Speaking of the Murder Mystery Factory, We have A Very Special Private Murder Mystery today. Having Peter-Principled Our way into a position of (extremely limited) power there, it is so much fun to look forward to going in to work and wondering if today is the day they will catch on to the fact that We are completely unsuited to Our job.  Good times.

In other other news, as if the cancellation of the one thing We were looking forward to prior to going away for the holidays were (subjunctively) not enough, it has just occurred to Us that it is not even officially winter yet.  Gawd.

.

On a positive note, check out Our Best Of Holidailies™ Award  here: 

http://www.holidailies.org/entries/bestof#entry-1286 

and go to the e-ntry directly here:  

http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2014/12/time-passages.html .

We have leapt recently into Sagittarius, Our video for which is above.  (If We had Our finger on Our ephemeris We could tell you exactly when.  (Dirty-minded Gentle Readers with limited vocabularies just went scurrying off to Google “ephemeris” on Wikipedia.  Quests for knowledge are HAWTT.))

Here is the link with which you may share Our Sagittarius video with both of your friends:   http://youtu.be/6f1m5GLfk1Y  

And here, for your further edification, is Our very first Sagittarius video:

Moving on, didja know that We have been e-pisstling e-pissodes of these e-pisstles in one form or another since 2001?  And that the earliest dead-tree archival records from 2004 are now TEN YEARS OLD, and can be found (for a small fee) here: http://www.lulu.com/shop/eric-singel/erics-daily-horoscope-2004/paperback/product-300894.html  ? 

Thank Gawd We didn’t stray from the point.

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In celebrity birthday news, somebody called Xavier Samuel was born today.  He is, per Our celebrity birthday website, a “movie actor”.  It seems to Us as though every time there’s a pretty boy movie actor of whom We’ve never heard, he’s been in one of those Twilight fillums.  We may have to rent one of those and watch it with the sound off…

Also, in case you were mistakenly feeling young, Susan Dey of Partridge Family fame?  Is 62 today.  (David Cassidy?  Is 64. (You’re welcome.))

Aries

While innovative, your plans for a solar-panel-powered sex machine will fall victim to a wave of scorn and derision.

Taurus

It may be time to get help for your fear of public speaking now that it's tragically prevented you from yelling "Look out!" to yet another group of innocent bystanders.

Gemini

Somehow, exclaiming "Someone in this very room is the murderer!" lacks dramatic weight when everyone just saw you beat a guy to death with a tire iron.

Cancer

It's not as if you have an insatiable thirst for blood. You're just insatiably thirsty and blood happens to be what's around.

Leo

You'll meet your own mortality face-to-face this week and be completely disarmed by his boyish smile, nice suit, and career as an environmental lawyer.

Virgo

You'll be frustrated and mortified when it turns out there's no such thing as a professional snipe hunter, but the pay's good and you get to work a four-day week.

Libra

You'll be faced with the choice of either investing in apartment insurance or getting rid of your cat and her thus far undetected fascination with candles.

Scorpio

The idea that nothing can offend you anymore is shattered when you find out what atrocities George Lucas has in store for the 35th anniversary of Star Wars.

Sagittarius

You said you'd retire after one last job, and 40 years after accepting a minor actuarial position with Amalgamated Loan and Trust, you're honoring your word.

Capricorn

Constantly seeking approval is unhealthy, but you should still consider the opinions of those nice folks from the Secret Service.

Aquarius

The verb "tear" is somewhat misleading here, but certain people and circumstances in your life will in fact combine to give you a new asshole.

Pisces

You thought you were over her, but the memories keep flooding back as the scars heal and your brain tissue repairs itself.

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                    

Found a peanut, found a peanut, found a peanut just now

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Monday, May 09, 2011. We trust that all you mothers had lovely Mothers’ Days. (You will get a much better sense of the preceding if you go back and snarl it bitchily.  Sigh.  Print is such a two-dimensional medium.  Would that there were (subjunctively) a video version of Erix Daily Horoscope.) Other than having spoken to Our Own Personal Sainted Mother, the less said about Our day, the better.

From the WorldWideInterWebNetz:  the difference between kinky and freaky is, kinky teases with a feather, while freaky uses the whole chicken.

See how right away We changed the subject there, rather than wallowing in the misery that is Our daily existence?  That there is the mark of a Highly Trained Professional.

Once again changing the subject (you’re welcome), in Our ever-vigilant pursuit of truth (to say nothing of justice and what Americans weigh), We are here to disabuse you of a persistent, prevalent notion.  To wit, there are still those people, possibly even some amongst Our very readers, who believe that the saying is actually, “Find a penny, pick it up, and all the day, you’ll have good luck.”  Nothing could be further from the truth.  (Well, actually, that’s not true; many things could be further from the truth.  However, Our point is, this particular thing is far enough from the truth that it is patently false.) Why, in the month of April alone, We Our Own Self Personally found not one, not two, but THIRTY-FIVE pennies.   Also, seven dimes, a nickel, a quarter, a Canadian dollar, and a Chuck-E-Cheez™ token.  And We picked them all up.  And Our “luck” in the month of April?  Our Pay-Pal account was hacked, Our invitation to the Royal Wedding was lost in the mail, and We discovered that they no longer make Chicken Tonight™ in this country. Also, We learned that David Cassidy had turned sixty-one, Our Conchata Ferrell support group failed, and We obtained Satan’s SmartAss Phone From The Left Side Of Hell, which has been plotting against Us since it was brought onto these premises.

“Find a penny, pick it up, and all the day, you’ll have good luck”?  Not so much. The ACTUAL saying is, “Find a penny, pick it up, and all day long, you’ll fuck a duck.”

Meanwhile, do any of YouPeople know where We can trade in a Canadian dollar for real money?  Or what a Chuck-E-Cheez™ token is worth?

Duckfuckers.

It has, naturally, come to Our attention that there are those Gentle Readers who doubt the verisimilitude of Our anecdotes here at Erix Daily Horoscope.  And, while We certainly are not averse to the occasional exaggeration for comic effect, We would like to point out that virtually every story told within these pages has its roots in truthiness.  For instance, in the month of April, We did in fact find on the street every single coin mentioned above, including the Chuck-E-Cheez™ token.  Our Pay-Pal account WAS hacked, We did NOT receive an invitation to the Royal Wedding, and they DO NOT any longer make Chicken Tonight™ in this country.  Further, David Cassidy DID turn sixty-one, what could a Conchata Ferrell support group do BUT fail, and the less said about Our phone, the better.

In other news, for those Trusting Gentle Readers who believe everything We say, bless your hearts, lest you have read the preceding paragraph in vain, We shall point out that “verisimilitude” is the Erix Daily Horoscope Word Of The Day Du Jour, and also that We are as shocked as you are that Micro$oft Weird™ accepted “truthiness” as a word.

See how well We are keeping the subject changed from those things that are making Us want to climb a belltower with an Uzi?  Well, except for, ya know, mentioning it now…

Oh, look!  The HorrorScope!

Use that creative energy you’ve got going on right now (Jigga WHAT?)

to make a serious dent in your to-do list (Oddly enough, this is one of those days when the first thing on Our to-do list, if We had one, would be “make a to-do list”.  Which is why We don’t have one.  Because there’s no to-do list to tell Us to make a to-do list, so We have nowhere to write “make a to-do list”.)

(How many Zen Buddhists does it take to change a light bulb?  Strawberry.)

— or to blow it off entirely (NOW you’re talkin’!)

and try something new!  (Like sentences ending with exclamation points!  Yay!  False senses of excitement!  Kill Us now!)

(Since when is “yay” not a word?  Shut up, Micro$oft Weird™.)

You should feel great about whatever you decide to do. (So We SHOULD climb a belltower with an Uzi?)

 Another spurt of creativity hits you today (Not in the eye, We hope.  That shit BURNS.)

— this could be the beginning of a very productive period, (Always™.  Have a very productive period…nope, just doesn’t have the same ring to it.)

so make the most of it. (Is that like making a mountain out of a molehill?  Is that the most you could make out of a molehill?  Or is there more?  Could you make a VOLCANO out of a molehill?  Or would you have to make a volcano out of a volehill?  Is there even such a thing as a volehill?  If there is, Micro$oft Weird™ is obviously insisting that it be “vole hill”, unlike “molehill”, which is all one word.)

(And We wonder why We spend entire weekends alone.)

Concentrate on output (Everybody poops.)

 — quantity is more important than quality. (Then We may already be the winner.)

Resist the temptation to edit yourself, (Have you READ an Erix Daily Horoscope recently?)

because the nuttier the idea, (The more likely you heard it here first?)

the more likely it will spawn another, more doable plan. (Or that.)

A family member may have an unusual request  (Clearly, you have met Our family.)

— is this a battle you really want to fight? (That depends…do they have an Uzi as well?)

Give them what they need for now and you’ll be paid back later.  (Well, tomorrow IS Tuesday, so they could have a hamburger today.)

(Did We really just make a Popeye pop culture reference?  Have you sent someone over to kill Us yet?)

If you feel stressed, you’re not taking good care of yourself. (Oh, sure.  We have to do everything Ourselves.  Stick a broom up Our ass and We’ll sweep the floor while We’re at it.)

(We’ll pause here, for those of you who like to viZZZualize.  You’re welcome.)

Carve out a chunk of time to do absolutely nothing. (We already have.  It’s called “this century”.)

Just lie on the floor and stare at the ceiling. (Don’t tell Us what to do.)

Think about what comes next and then make your move. (Pawn to Queen’s Bishop Seven. (Don’t ask Us where that came from.  We haven’t played chess since David Cassidy was a boy. (And Chastity Bono was a girl. (Ba-DUMP-bump.))))

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(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

Baby, baby, baby, oh

                                        

                                                                                                                                                           

                                                                                                                                                           

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Thursday, April 14, 2011.  The sun is shining, the birds are chirping, the shun is signing, the chirds are burping, and clearly once again here at Casa de Campbell’s™SoupCasserole, We haven’t got any damn idea what the fu(k We’re talking about.  But then, what else is gnu?  (Micro$oft Weird™ is suggesting that We change “gnu” to “new”.  Shut the fu(k up, Micro$oft Weird™.  We are a Poetess, but We don’t knowituss.)

(What’s gnu, PussySnatch? Woe, woe, woe.)

That was a little musical interlude to help you start your day. Now if We could just find a little musical Quaalude to start Ours…

What the hell ever happened to Quaaludes, anyway?  (We just Googled them on Wikipedia…the reference included a story about Roman Polanski and a thirteen year old girl.  Of course, that thirteen year old girl is now a hundred and seventy-two, so We’ll be moving on now.  (Her name, in case you hadn’t yet guessed, is David Cassidy.  This being, for some inexplicable reason, David Cassidy Week here at Erix Daily Horoscope. (Hey, the guy who invented Tiger Beat died this week….maybe We’re taking over for him.   After all, SOMEBODY needs to publish pictures of Justin Bieber’s Underoos™.)))

Our goodness, that was all just wildly inappropriate, now, wunnit? Lettuce move on, shall We? Before you perverts get all caught up in images of Roman Polanski chasing David Cassidy around Justin Bieber’s Underoos™.   So, anyway, it’s a beautiful day in the neighborhood.  (Somehow, child molestation and Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood just go together, don’t they?  Even as a child (actually, ESPECIALLY as a child), you couldn’t have paid Us enough money to be alone in a room with that cardigan-sweatered freak.  Keep your damn shoes ON, wanker, and don’t open that closet door! (Parenthetically, wouldn’t it have been a whole different neighborhood if it had been (subjunctively) Mister KENNY Rogers’ Neighborhood?  “Alright, now, chirren, you gotta know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold ‘em…now show us on Dolly Parton here where the other Mister Rogers touched you.”))

It’s just a musical extravaganza in here this morning, innit?  Life is a cabaret, old chump.

What were We talking about?  Oh, yes…it’s a beautiful day.  Unfortunately, whether the weather is cold, or whether the weather is hot, somebody peed in the porridge in the pot, and Himself is rolled up in His bed, depressed.  It would seem that, one year ago today, He was winging His way to a fabulous Southern Californian getaway.  This year, despite several half-baked ideas, He decided it would be fiscally prudent to stayathome instead of gettingaway, and He’s not especially happy about it.  Oh, well; it sucks to be Him.

Perhaps His HorrorScope will cheer Him up. (Himself and We Our Own Self Personally are both Arieses.  Which is about the only thing We have in common.  Well, that, and We wear the same shoe size.):

Sometimes one day is much like the one that preceded it, (Gee, We hadn’t noticed. Asshat.)

and while you usually crave excitement, (Indeed. Often, We jump out from behind closed doors just to startle Ourselves.  Because We?  Know how to have a good time.)

right now you are content with the same-old, same-old. (Actually, We Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist)s have a technical phrase for that: “same shit, different Uranus”.)

Don’t stir up any new trouble!  (NOW you tell Us!  Fine, somebody give Justin Bieber a Quaalude before he starts pointing to Dolly’s Partons.)

If you’ve got a project at work that’s wrapping up, (Then you work at the gift wrapping counter in a department store.  And how very, very sad for you.)

 today is the day to attend to all the details. (We always get confused: is it God who’s in the details, or the Devil?  We’re pretty sure it’s the Devil who has the blue dress, blue dress on, because God doesn’t have the legs for it.  (But don’t tell Him We said so.)  Good golly, Miss Dolly.)

If you’re developing a new donut, start testing the sprinkles. (If you’re developing a new euphemism, check out YESTERDAY’S Erix Daily Horoscope, where Euphemismania was in full swing, and have some fun “putting the dishes away” in Justin Timberlake’s “kitchen cabinets”.  There is nothing euphemismistic about Justin Bieber’s Underoos™, although there are those who would say that the contents of same are 100% vaginal. (Ask Ethel Merman you happen to see…what smells like tuna? Justin Bieber’s pee.))

(Only Erix Daily Horosocpe Gentle Readers Of A Certain Age were able to sing that last line with the correct jingle melody. Poor Justin Bieber, one the other hand, is completely confused.  On the plus side, he’s all a-tingle form being included in the same paragraph with both Justin Timberlake AND Ethel Merman.)

Don’t go back to the cutting board for a whole new batter recipe! (Also, don’t go back to the mixer for your metaphors, because they’re muddled enough as it is.)

Whatever you’ve got, batter-wise, you’ve tested it enough to know it’s good — don’t let doubt distract you from the important questions: (Do We, or do We not, want fries with that?)

Glaze or frosting? (Yes, please.)

Pink sprinkles or coconut shavings?  (Clearly, it’s audience participation time.  Because, when they’re THIS easy, the highly-trained professionals just sit back.  Okay, here We go: sexual innuendoes involving “coconut shaving”: BEGIN!)

Keeping your social calendar organized is a challenge today, but at least it’s fun! (You say “fun”, We say “Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder”.  Let’s call the whole thing awful.)

For the best results, bump up anything involving lots of new places and new faces! (And flying aces with suitcases at twenty paces!  And exclamation points for no reason! And Justin Bieber’s vagina!)

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(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

I woke up in love this morning

                                        

                                                                                                                                                           

                                                                                                                                                           

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Wednesday, April 13, 2011.  Happy birthday to Dana, who turns twenty-four today.  We, of course, could not possibly bestir Ourselves to celebrate, having not quite fully recovered from the concept of David Cassidy’s SIXTY-FIRST birthday yesterday.  Not that We were invited to a party for same, conceptual or otherwise, but still.  Birthdays notwithstanding (and isn’t “notwithstanding” a peculiar word?  It feels like it should be hyphenated, like some pretentious hipster parents who gave their spawn both of their last names…”Yes, this is our beautiful daughter, Felicity Utopia Notwith-Standing”), Happy Hump Day to the rest of you.  Except David Cassidy, who probably didn’t even have the decency to save Us any cake.  Greedy old bastard.

Oh, well. Let Us get off of David Cassidy, and give someone else a chance. We have precious little to report this morning, it being just another boring day at Casa de CurlingIron.  A bit of WorldWideInterWebNetzian wisdom:  You don’t know how long you’re going to live.  Which makes it extremely hard to budget.

Let’s just get right to the HorrorScope, shall We?

Your creative juices are flowing in a big way, (But it’s okay…We’re wearing Depends™.)

(Remind Us again why Erix Daily Horoscope doesn’t have corporate sponsors?)

and you should find that at least one person close to you is in sync with your thought processes. 

(Unless that person is Justin Timberlake, We don’t wanna hear what sync they’re ‘N.)

(See what We did there?  (Oh, please.  Ray Charles could see what We did there.  And he’s blind.  Not that there’s anything wrong with that.  Also, he’s dead. Not that there’s anything wrong with that either.  Far be it from Us to dump on dead dudes. (How the hell did We get from Justin Timberlake to scatological corpse references?    There are CHILDREN reading this HorrorScope, fercrissakes.  Well, EX-children, but still. (Not to mention, Justin Timberlake’s reading it to David Cassidy.  Just to bring everything into a fully self-referential circle.))))

Collaborate on something big, bold and new!  (How about a Partridge Family movie? With David Cassidy as Reuben Kinkaid, and Justin Timberlake as Shirley Jones.  With Willow “I Whip My Hair Back and Forf” Smith as all five children, and Kirstie Alley as the bus.)

(Yes, people, We made a fat joke.  Don’t holler at Us, or We’ll sit on you.)

Have you been itching to build a new kitchen cabinet? (Unless “itching to build a new kitchen cabinet” is a euphemism for something involving Justin Timberlake and the asstromalogical position of Uranus, then no.)

 Or is it something less concrete that’s calling you to action?  (Sorry…what?  (We got distracted, imagining Justin Timberlake’s “kitchen cabinets”.))

Maybe you want to build a new relationship? (Do We really need ANOTHER future ex-husband?)

Or a new knowledge base? (We could cheerfully live the rest of Our lives without ever again hearing the words “knowledge base”. KThxBye.)

Or develop a talent or two that you’ve let languish?  (But languishing IS Our talent…)

(Our other talent is making things like “kitchen cabinets” sound dirty by putting them in “quotation marks”.)

Whatever it is, heed this call to action and get going. (Alternatively, have some prune juice and get going.)

Find a pickup Frisbee game or a local rowing club today, (Now try it OUR way: Find a “pickup Frisbee game” or a “local rowing club” today…See?  Better, no?  Euphemismania!)

and you could get quite a bit more than a just a good workout!  (A “good workout”.  Now YOU try it.)

If you’re not really athletic, (We are actually more of an athletic supporter.  (That joke just never gets old.  (Unlike David Cassidy.  (To say nothing of David Cassidy’s athletic supporter.  (No, really…say NOTHING.)))))

 try a dance class or even swimming lessons (Or, better yet, try putting ‘em both in quotation marks.)

 — exercise is the key to romance for you now. (We much prefer when romance is the key to exercise.  We’re just sayin’. (Excuse Us  while We go “put the dishes away” in Justin Timberlake’s “kitchen cabinets”.))

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(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.