Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Wednesday, April 13, 2011. Happy birthday to Dana, who turns twenty-four today. We, of course, could not possibly bestir Ourselves to celebrate, having not quite fully recovered from the concept of David Cassidy’s SIXTY-FIRST birthday yesterday. Not that We were invited to a party for same, conceptual or otherwise, but still. Birthdays notwithstanding (and isn’t “notwithstanding” a peculiar word? It feels like it should be hyphenated, like some pretentious hipster parents who gave their spawn both of their last names…”Yes, this is our beautiful daughter, Felicity Utopia Notwith-Standing”), Happy Hump Day to the rest of you. Except David Cassidy, who probably didn’t even have the decency to save Us any cake. Greedy old bastard.
Oh, well. Let Us get off of David Cassidy, and give someone else a chance. We have precious little to report this morning, it being just another boring day at Casa de CurlingIron. A bit of WorldWideInterWebNetzian wisdom: You don’t know how long you’re going to live. Which makes it extremely hard to budget.
Let’s just get right to the HorrorScope, shall We?
Your creative juices are flowing in a big way, (But it’s okay…We’re wearing Depends™.)
(Remind Us again why Erix Daily Horoscope doesn’t have corporate sponsors?)
and you should find that at least one person close to you is in sync with your thought processes.
(Unless that person is Justin Timberlake, We don’t wanna hear what sync they’re ‘N.)
(See what We did there? (Oh, please. Ray Charles could see what We did there. And he’s blind. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Also, he’s dead. Not that there’s anything wrong with that either. Far be it from Us to dump on dead dudes. (How the hell did We get from Justin Timberlake to scatological corpse references? There are CHILDREN reading this HorrorScope, fercrissakes. Well, EX-children, but still. (Not to mention, Justin Timberlake’s reading it to David Cassidy. Just to bring everything into a fully self-referential circle.))))
Collaborate on something big, bold and new! (How about a Partridge Family movie? With David Cassidy as Reuben Kinkaid, and Justin Timberlake as Shirley Jones. With Willow “I Whip My Hair Back and Forf” Smith as all five children, and Kirstie Alley as the bus.)
(Yes, people, We made a fat joke. Don’t holler at Us, or We’ll sit on you.)
Have you been itching to build a new kitchen cabinet? (Unless “itching to build a new kitchen cabinet” is a euphemism for something involving Justin Timberlake and the asstromalogical position of Uranus, then no.)
Or is it something less concrete that’s calling you to action? (Sorry…what? (We got distracted, imagining Justin Timberlake’s “kitchen cabinets”.))
Maybe you want to build a new relationship? (Do We really need ANOTHER future ex-husband?)
Or a new knowledge base? (We could cheerfully live the rest of Our lives without ever again hearing the words “knowledge base”. KThxBye.)
Or develop a talent or two that you’ve let languish? (But languishing IS Our talent…)
(Our other talent is making things like “kitchen cabinets” sound dirty by putting them in “quotation marks”.)
Whatever it is, heed this call to action and get going. (Alternatively, have some prune juice and get going.)
Find a pickup Frisbee game or a local rowing club today, (Now try it OUR way: Find a “pickup Frisbee game” or a “local rowing club” today…See? Better, no? Euphemismania!)
and you could get quite a bit more than a just a good workout! (A “good workout”. Now YOU try it.)
If you’re not really athletic, (We are actually more of an athletic supporter. (That joke just never gets old. (Unlike David Cassidy. (To say nothing of David Cassidy’s athletic supporter. (No, really…say NOTHING.)))))
try a dance class or even swimming lessons (Or, better yet, try putting ‘em both in quotation marks.)
— exercise is the key to romance for you now. (We much prefer when romance is the key to exercise. We’re just sayin’. (Excuse Us while We go “put the dishes away” in Justin Timberlake’s “kitchen cabinets”.))
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.