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Tuesday, April 26, 2011

I will follow him, follow him wherever he may go

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Tuesday, April 26, 2011.  It has just come to what passes for Our attention span that today is Raechal’s birthday.  So happy birthday to Raechal, who turns twenty-four today.

In keeping with Our promised Royal Wedding tribute, today We bring you yet another Erix Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Sucretia Epiphany Mitochondria Saliva Gonorrhea of a happy couple.  And, in Our never-ending efforts to be inclusive and non-discriminatory, today’s couple is a same-sex couple. (At this juncture, Astute Readers (and why YouPeople sit around reading stutes, We’ll never know) will point out that so was yesterday’s.  The difference, of course, is that, with yesterday’s couple, One could tell which sex they were the same as.)  Said Pixture is also doubling as a Public Service Announcement, as the questionable couple in question are clearly picking up some ointment to deal with a particularly nasty bout of It Itches Down There.

Suddenly, Prince William seems ever so much less unattractive.

That’s really all We’ve got, save for this quote We found on Our WorldWideInterWebNetz yesterday: “I don't know why the library got so upset at me for masturbating. I was in the self help section.‏”

Spunky, no?

(Heh. “Spunky.”  We kill Us.)

Garcon? One HorrorScope, over easy.  Hold the mayo. And make it snappy. (Suddenly, We are Humphrey Bogart.  How the hell did that happen?)

Your visionary nature (We have a viZZZion!)

is making life quite a bit more interesting for at least one of your people (Again with this delusion that We have “people”.  Where are these people, and why do they do nothing for Us?  Tote that barge, lift Christian Bale…you know, the things One expects One’s people to do, if One has people, people, Soylent Green is people, are the luckiest people in the world…(Who let Barbra Streisand in here?))

— and you could acquire new followers if you talk up your plans. (While We may not actually have people, We do in fact have followers.  In Google, at any rate.  Twelve of ‘em. Followers, that is.  We would feel just like Jeebus with His twelve apostles, except that two of Our followers are Us Our Own Self. Don’t any of the rest of YouPeople use Google Reader?  Subscribe to Our blog!  Follow Us!  All the Kewl Kidz are doing it!)

Good social energy is yours!  (To say nothing of good social diseases!  Complete with random exclamation points!  Bangs, if you will!  Or even if you won’t!  (“Complete with random bangs!” sounds like much more fun, doesn’t it?  That being, of course, how One obtains social diseases.  Or, in some cases, social climbing diseases. (That’s when you get sick of your old friends because you only like people who can do things for you.)))

(Social energy, social diseases, and now social commentary as well. Is there ANYTHING We can’t do here at Erix Daily horoscope?)

This may sound counterintuitive, (Or, alternatively, counterintelligent.  Which is just plain stupid.)

but the stars say you should seek out conflict today. (Should not.)

(Heh.  That there was a double helping of “See what We did there?”.)

You’re not one for confrontation, but it is sometimes a necessary evil, and it’s something you should perhaps work on becoming more comfortable with. (As is the Spanish Inquisition.  Because nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition.)

The future holds some battles for you, and practicing on some easy skirmishes will help you later on. (Well, fine, but We don’t want to fight about it.)

You will be always be able to see the problems at hand, (Because there’re so damn many of ‘em!)

but you should develop more skills that allow you to do something about them.  (What happened to all these “people” We were supposed to have?)

Go right ahead and ask for whatever you need. (A winning PowerBall™ ticket, a do-it-yourself liposuction machine, and Johnny Depp’s home phone number.  But We’re pretty sure We’ve asked for this all before.)

Your people are there for you (Where? WHERE???)

and can provide you support and assistance in your search for love. (Oh, please.  Just bring Us the winning PowerBall™ ticket.  We’ll BUY the damn love.)

Rely on them — they can’t let you down! (Mainly because there’s only so much further down We can get.)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes: )
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.