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Wednesday, April 27, 2011

If you’re crackin’ up from having lack of shackin’ up…

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Wednesday, April 27, 2011.  Happy birthday to Israel (the person, not the country) who turns twenty-four today.  Also, happy birthday to Dena, who turns twenty-four today somewhere in the vicinity of Our Nation’s Capital.  No doubt with a birth certificate and everything.  (Up yours, Donald Trump…like anybody who’s stupid enough to let a casino…A CASINO!...go bankrupt should be allowed to run a country.  (Do you ever suspect that some of these Repugnicant shenanigantics are just to make The Whore From Wasila look smart by comparison?  FAIL!))  Also, Happy Hump Day to the rest of you, who are no doubt humping away without Us somewhere.  And, in honor of the Royal Wedding, We bring you yet another Erix Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Luke Streetwalker Hand Solo Princess Come-On-I-Wanna-Lay-Ya of an alternative yet clearly blissfully happy couple, who double as a shout-out to Our Faithful Readers who are also fans of those Battle Star Trek Wars Lost In Intergalactical Space thingies. We bet THIS pixture wasn’t amongst the bubblegum cards you collected back in the day.

Speaking of the royal wedding (and aren’t your nether regions just starting to tingle as it draws ever nearer?  We know Ours are.  Thank god for broad-spectrum antibiotics), here’s this, which is, oddly, Safe For Work (whatever THAT is):

Welcome, meanwhile, to Our 13th Google Reader Follower, Raechal.  We have gone form having twelve apostles to having a coven.  Somehow, that seems fitting.  Unlike most of Our wardrobe.

We started Our day here at Casa de Chamberpot with a power outage, which, although brief, was ill-timed in that it interrupted a particularly lewd dream that Himself was having.  He, of course, promptly went back to sleep, leaving Us to reprogram every electrical device known to man, woman, and Manfred Mann.

Meanwhile, Micro$oft Weird™, you need to acknowledge that “chamberpot” is in fact a word, or We shall come to your house and poop on your sheets.

Having said that, there’s clearly nowhere else to go but up, so herewith the HorrorScope:

Try not to tackle any new business today (How about monkey business?  Can We tackle some monkey business?)

— things are going fine, better than you know, (Ignorance is blistered.)

but you are stretched more thinly than you realize. (Honey, We are not doing ANYTHING “thinly”.)

Step up and take care of whatever you’ve got going on right now.  (Wasn’t it just yesterday that you were telling Us that We had people for that?)

 Today, don’t feel an iota of guilt if you want to ignore the outside world. (What about a scintilla of guilt?  A smidgen?  A jot? A whit?  A soupcon?)

(Some of the jokes are for YOU; some of the jokes are for US…pee porridge in a pot, nine dazed Olds.)

Let your phone ring off the hook, (And put your chamberpot in your 8-track tape player, next to the BetaMax™ and your buttonhook and buggywhip collections.  Forsooth, odds bodkins, and what the fu(k are you talking about?)

and don’t stress out about the contents of your email inbox. (But Ed McMahon told Us We may already be a Winner.  And he should know, being, ya know, dead, and all.)

You are important, (Oh, you have NO idea.  Don’t you know who We think We are?)

but the folks in your daily life can get along without you for just one day. (Alternatively, they could work really hard to make sure that We feel like something stuck to the bottom of their shoe.  Which one do YOU think they’ll do?)

It’s time to step back from constant interaction. (Also from instant contractions.  Whatever that means.)

Do you really need to have your cell phone turned on all day? (Do you really need to keep using precious oxygen that’s meant for the rest of Us?)

Make yourself incommunicado for at least a couple of hours. (We would, but Thai food doesn’t agree with Us.)

(Some of the jokes, meanwhile, are existential.  Why did the chicken cross the road?  Strawberry.)

You’ll feel amazingly free.  (That’s what they said when We burned Our bra.  Of course, they neglected to mention that We should take it OFF first.)

Karma is tricky, yet rewarding. (Caramel, on the other hand, is sticky yet rewarding.  And yet, oddly, We rarely get the two confused. You?)

Your actions now could directly affect someone later. (Well, that’s good.  Otherwise, what would be the point?)

Keep that temper in check (We are now imagining a jawb as Temper Check Girl, much akin to Hat Check Girls of old.  The comic possibilities of same being severely limited, We shall now move on.)

and put out positive energy by doing good deeds for anyone who comes your way.  (Oh, We gotcher “good deed” right HERE.)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes: )
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.