Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Friday, April 29, 2011. Happy birthday to Jim, who turns twenty-four today. Also happy birthday to Trish, who also turns twenty-four today. Also also, happy birthday to Stephanie, who also also turns twenty-four today. Coincidence? We think not. Must be something in the water.
Meanwhile, Happy The Royal Wedding Day to the rest of you. Being a British subject, We did actually receive an invitation, but We were unable to attend, as We discovered at the last minute that someone had shit in Our hat. So We had to watch it on the telly like the rest of you. Is it just Us, or does that girl look like a stone-cold bitch? Oh, well; no matter. At least the whole country had a lovely dress rehearsal for when We finally marry Harry.
What has actually been frosting Our cookies the most about all this Royal Wedding hoopla is the people whining about it on SitOnMyFaceBook. “Oh, how CAN they so callously report on Kate’s wedding dress when there’s been a tornado in Bumblefuck?” The same way YOU can post your whiny SitOnMyFaceBook status when there’s been a tornado in Bumblefuck, you stupid wanker. Jeebus.
In other news, tornados in Bumblefuck notwithstanding (for some reason, We are really enjoying saying “Bumblefuck” this morning. Are any of you out there reading aloud? Or at least saying “Bumblefuck” out loud in your heads? Isn’t that FUN?), We Our Own Self Personally callously went out to dinner last night. Yes, as tornadoes rampaged through Bumblefuck (heh), We were callously Dining Out For Life. And, in the interests of broadening Our culinary horizons, trying not one, but two new foods We had not tried before. Because, as you can clearly see from the size of Our ass, We definitely need MORE foods to eat. Obviously, at this point, the only thing We DON’T eat is less.
Oh, you wanted to know what the new foods were? Something called sweetbreads, and something called speck. Of course, it is unclear to Us whether We actually like these foods themselves, as the sweetbreads were stuffed into raviolis, and the speck was wrapped around sea scallops, and We’re pretty sure We would eat poop if you stuffed it into raviolis or wrapped it around sea scallops.
A psychic viZZZion just informed Us that one of you out there in ReaderLand just this very minute got the “shit in Our hat” joke.
And now, stuffed into a ravioli and wrapped around a sea scallop, the HorrorScope:
Your ability to spot what’s coolest (We are, after all, Too Cool For School. “Coolest”? Really, Kelli?)
and make other people see it for what it is should be totally energized right now, (Energized like a bunny? Speaking of food, is it odd that, ever since Easter, We’ve been craving rabbit? We certainly hope We’re not pregnant again. There’s only so many immaculate contractions a person can stand.)
so blaze a trail and let the others follow along if they want. (Well. How veddy, veddy democratic. How ‘bout “let the others follow along, or off with their heads” instead? How does THAT grab ya?)
(We figger We’ve already got the “princess” thing down, so We’re practicing to be Queen of England. After all, Elton John can’t live forever.)
Life should be more exciting! (Shouldn’t it though? Perhaps if We start randomly adding exclamation points like YOU do, Kelli, it shall be so. Asshat.)
(It just occurred to Us that earlier, when We were talking about sweetbreads and speck and such, We meant to do a joke involving “tastes like chicken” and “Prince Harry”. So just imagine that We did that, would you? Ta ever so.)
Finances and money in general will be a big force in your life today. (Only if We somehow stumble upon a second nickel, because otherwise, We’ve got nothing to rub together.)
If you’re in a saving mode, congratulations — this day will offer you an opportunity to make a great return on your investment and will plump up your rainy-day fund even more. (Haven’t We had enough rain recently? (How can they callously report on Kate’s wedding dress when it’s RAINING? WAAAAAHHHHH!!!))
If you’ve been spending freely for months, now is the time to pull back. (But if it’s free, you’re not spending anything. Did words suddenly lose all meaning again? We HATE when that happens.)
Your regular extravagances will have to become not so regular. (Meanwhile, Our IRRegular extravagances may be how We wound up with shit in Our hat.)
(Shit in Our hat in Bumblefuck, doo-dah, doo-dah, shit in Our hat in Bumblefuck, all the doo-dah day…)
And your taste for the finer things will have to be more balanced with less-expensive options. (Oh, stuff it in a ravioli. And stick it in the microwave.)
Talk is cheap, (Not as cheap as We are.)
but action is priceless. (Again, “priceless” = “free” = “the cheapest you can get”. Words, meanings…learn it, live it, love it.)
The next time you say you’ll do something, you need to make sure that you actually follow through! (Fine. We’re calling Prince Harry. As soon as We get a new hat.)
That goes for both work and your love life. (Since We don’t have either of those, may We go back to bed now?)
There’s no need to overanalyze things — just go for it! (We taste like chicken tonight, chicken tonight…)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.