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Monday, April 25, 2011

It was an itsy-bitsy, teeny-weenie hot pink polka dot bikini

(Yes, folks, We said ‘weenie’.  It’s an entendre.  Not quite a double entendre, more like an entendre and a half.  Deal and cope, people, deal and cope.)

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Monday, April 25, 2011.  Happy birthday to Our Manhattanese sister, Asphyxia8, who, if the beads on Our trusty abacus do not misinform Us, turns twenty-four today. And Happy Anniversary to Us here at Erix Daily Horoscope, as Google informs Us that today We are publishing Our three hundredth installment in Bloggonia. (Of course, the actual number of Erix Daily Horoscopes ever published is unknowable, many of the initial offerings since 2001 having been lost.  A few of Our Faithful Readers will no doubt recall when these epistles were delivered by carrier pigeon, who travelled barefoot uphill both ways in the snow (why they didn’t fly, We’ll never know).  And here We are, ten years later, still undiscovered, still poor as a church mouse (whatever the hell a church mouse is), and cranky as ever.  Plus ça change, plus c'est la même chose. (We would point out that that last bit was Frawnch, but We’re pretty sure the two of you who are actually reading this are already aware of that.))

Hidden in the preceding paragraph is an Erix Daily Horoscope Movie Trivia Quote.  (Well, okay, it’s “Why we didn’t fly, I’ll never know”, so not so much with the hidden.) Name the fillum, win a prize.

Today is also, of course, the kickoff of Royal Wedding Week.  They really need to speed these nuptials along quick, fast, and in a hurry.  Not because What’s-Her-Face is preggers, but because, if they wait any longer, poor Prince William will have lost his hair entirely.  Poor thing, he showed such promise in late adolescence, resembling his mother as he did. Then he took that unfortunate left turn into Prince Charles-dom, and it’s been all downhill ever since.   He should have taken a cue from his brother, Prince Ginger…er, Prince Harry, who’s looked like the milkman all along.

In honor of Royal Wedding Week, We shall be featuring pixtures of happy couples as Our Erix Daily Horoscope Pixtures Du Jour Au Jus Artist Formerly Known As Prince Hal Prince Prince Albert In The Can Nine Days Old.  In today’s pixture, for instance, We are particularly intrigued by the way Our Viking friend’s tasty beverage seems to perfectly match his blue-headdressed companion’s Speedo™, even as We attempt to ignore the incipient alien about to emerge from his navel. You’re welcome.

Apropos of nothing, Can. Not. One. God. Damned. Thing. Be easy?  (Sorry…just had to get that off Our chest(s).)

And now, the muumuu you’ve all been weighing for, Le Scope de Horreur:

Your ambitious nature is making life quite a bit more interesting for you. (We are going to pause at this juncture to coin a neologism (did that sound dirty?  Was it because it had gism in it?), as We do.  We have always felt that there should be a better word than “ambitious” to describe an ambitious person, such as Ourselves, with an atty-tood.  And that word is: “ambitchous”.)

That could mean that your energy is ready for a new level of activity, (Indeed. “Zero” has become so predictable. (Why “PREdictable”?  It’s not like it means “dictable in advance”.  And there’s no such thing as “POSTdictable”….))

or that you are taking on the whole world.  (Right now, We’re just trying to come up with a definition for “dictable”.)

 If you have too many ambitions, (“Ambitchions”.)

you run the risk of having too many disappointments!  (And again We say, “Huh?”  “Disappear” is the opposite of “appear”, yes.  But “disappointment”….)

(Actually, all of these cunning linguistics are just a desperate effort to distract Ourself.  It’s like when They tell you not to think about pink elephants, and then all you can think about are pink elephants.  Well, earlier, We happened to think about Prince Harry’s boner…)

(Micro$oft Weird™ is now objecting to the possessive form of “Harry”, and suggesting all sorts of ludicrous things (“Hurry’s”, “Hardy’s”, “Harpy’s”, “Ghurry’s”, Carry’s”), none of which would be as common as a guy named Harry who owns something.  (Not that We are at all suggesting that Harry is common.  Harry is, as We all know, a PRINCE.  (Harry, if you’re reading this, CALL US.)))

Pare down your long list of things to do before a big milestone in your life (See, one of the problems with Our life is that Our metaphors are constantly getting mixed.  So milestones and millstones are often muddled, and one or the other generally winds up around Our neck.)

— so you aren’t setting yourself up for feelings of inadequacy. (Prince Harry’s boner. (Sorry.  It just slipped out. (OOOOOOHHHH!!!)))

Just take each day as it comes. (Now you’re just being mean.)

Work on your important goals when you can, but let go of outlandish (More than landish?  The opposite of inlandish?  Words are weird.)

predictions (See above.)

and unrealistic retirement fantasies. (Why is it so unrealistic to retire now, then go back to work once We’re senile?)

Instead of dreaming about the future, enjoy all the wonderful things that the present has to offer.  

(Fine.  Name one.)

(No, really. We’ll wait.)

(Are those crickets?)

Volunteering is an excellent way to meet like-minded and cute people. (Actually, volunteering is an excellent way to do a lot of work and make absolutely no money.)

Pick your favorite organization and dive right in. (This advice works best if your favorite organization happens to be the Swedish Olympic men’s Swim Team.)

You’re making a difference — and making new connections while you’re at it. (Prince Harry’s boner.  (Sorry…she said “connections”.))

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes: )
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.