I met the Devil in Poughkeepsie, New York

Hello, Ducks!

Before We begin e-pisstling all over your petunia patch (and before We begin the beguine, because nothing says “Dear Jeebus, you’re GAY” like knowing who Cole Porter is), from The Department Of People On The WorldWideInterWebNetz Who Actually Give A Shit About Us, please note that Our beloved colleague and future ex-cyberhusband AstroGeek, who looks damn good in a leather thong (We assume (thereby shoving Uma Thurman up Hume Cronyn’s ass), as We have no photographic evidence of same), is peddling his papayas at a new InterWebNetzian address, to wit, here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/ .  He is extremely well-versed in cosmic orbs of all sizes, colors, and weights, and knows, dare We say it, even more about Uranus than We do, so do please go and check him out.

Tell him Starzina sent you…maybe he’ll show you his thong.

And now, today’s e-pissode.  Brought to you by Zombie’s Eve™…for that not-so-fresh, rotting-flesh feeling.

(Did We just do a zombie joke?  It’s a cry for help, people!  (At least it wasn’t a FUNNY zombie joke…))

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for WinesDay, October 2^th, 2013.  Happy birthday to Susan, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.  Also, Happy Birthday to Dean, who also turns twenty-four today, also right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.

In further-flung news, Happy Birthday also to Davon, who turns twenty-four today in New York.  New York, New York, that is.  Davon and We were, apparently, in a student fillum together once.  Although that is another thing of which We have no photographic evidence.  One wonders how these fillum students ever learn anything, when they never seem to finish their fillums.  Sigh.

Also, last but not Lee Strasberg, Happy Birthday to CuteBoyInTights, all the way out in The Windy City.

In other news of importance (as opposed to other news of imPOtence) We are  remounting (ooooohhhh!) Our show, LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour, the best-kept secret of the 2013 Philadelphia Fringe Festival, so that everyone who was too busy Fringing can have a chance to see it.  So get your tickets now, kidz; We’re doing it one night only, Sunday, October 13 at 7:30 at L’Etage:

http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/478137

And here is the HorrorScope:

In celebrity birthdays, Mahatma Gandhi was born today.  As was Sting.  (Were We the only one who didn’t realize that they were two different people?)  Also, Kelly Ripa and Groucho Marx were born today; you will, of course, remember them from their talk show, Groucho and Kelly.

It’s a day of routines for you and your people  (Oh, damn…and here, We left Our baton in Geometry class.)

— but try not to grumble or express your boredom. (We do not GRUMBLE.  People might not HEAR Us.)

It’s a great time to get things done, and there’s really only one way to do that effectively.  (An Uzi.  Or a flamethrower.  Oh, wait…that’s TWO ways.)

Today you should put ‘good conversation’ at the top of your priority list!  (And here, We’ve already put “cunning linguist”.  But that’s sort of the same thing right?  Speaking in tongues…)

But in order to make it happen, you have to be ready to take things to a deeper level than you usually do — with people you don’t usually talk to. (Okay, now We’re bored.)

Small talk is for small minds, right now, and since you certainly are not one of those, why not prove it? (Never mind.)

(See, that right there?  Was an existential joke.  (Existential jokes are the kind that aren’t funny.  (Well, ONE of the kinds.  Also, zombie jokes.)))

Instead of asking about someone’s weekend, ask them how they feel about, say, international politics. (Or, say, the International House of Pancakes.)

You might get an odd look, (Wait…We could look odder than THIS?!?)

but you’ll also get great insight into another person.  (A chainsaw has that same effect.)

A snap judgment could close off an avenue that is much better left wide open.  (And a snapping turtle could make soup.)

Just ask one more question, or give them one more chance — even if they’re not quite right, they can introduce you to the one. (Yeah. ‘Cause that? ALWAYS happens.)

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

Pardon me, Miss, but I’ve never done this with a real live boy.

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for ToothDay, October Twoth, Twoth-ousand Twelve.  Happy birthday to Cute-Boi-In-Tights,  who turns twenty-four today.  Our SitOnOurFaceBook informs Us that he recently moved to the Windy City, aka The Hog Butcher of the World, apparently to avoid running into Us awkwardly once a year on the streets of the Gayborhood.

Here, because We are feeling nostalgic (and because We have absolutely nothing else to report)  are all of Our Cute-Boi-In-Tights birthday wishes since the beginning of Our acquaintance:

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Mundee’s Undies, October 3, 2011. Can anyone stand that it’s October already?  And, more to the point, nuclear winter?  Nevertheless, happy belated (and nipply) birthday to Cute-Boi-In-Tights, who turned twenty-four over the weekend.  Perhaps one day he will regale Us with a spellbinding recital of What We Ever Did To Him.  Or perhaps not. 

Here is your horoscope for Friday, October 01, 2010 (October, already!  Who knew?  Happy birthday in advance to CuteBoiInTights, who turns twenty-four over the weekend, and who isn’t reading this. 

Here is your horoscope for Friday, October 02, 2009 (Happy birthday to CuteBoiInTights, who turns twenty-four today.  Or something d@mn close to it.  (We STILL own tights that are older than he is, but whatevs.)

Here is your horoscope for Thursday, October 02, 2008 (Happy birthday to CuteBoiInTights, who turns twenty-four today. Again.  Some more.  Call me…your birthday spanking awaits.)

Here is your horoscope for Tuesday, October 02, 2007 (Happy birthday to M, who, to the best of Our knowledge, actually DOES turn twenty-four today. Some of you may better remember him as Cute Boi In Tights from some theatrical epic gone by. We have not laid Our two eyes upon his cuteness-in-tights in quite some time, but We did recently play Scrabble with him on SitOnMyFaceBook, so We know that he lives. And is, presumably, still cute. Whether in tights or not, We haven’t got any idea.)

Here is your horoscope for Monday, October 2 (Ah, Monday! And a brand new month! And the arrival of nuclear winter! Does it GET any better than this? And happy TWENTY-THIRD birthday to M. (Oh, I *KNOW*! How often do ya hear about a TWENTY-THIRD birthday in THESE Hallowed Pages?), aka Cute Boy In Tights. Who, much like his costar, MyNewStr8Boyfriend, doesn’t call, doesn’t write, doesn’t p33 on me when I’m on fire…sigh. (Okay, “on fire” is like a metaphor-thingie. But still.) Oh, well; happy birthday anyway.)

We are feeling a little trapped right now, both by the suddenly-ghastly weather, and by Our foolhardy efforts to cram all of the post-Fringe activities that would have been spread over last week and this week, had We (subjunctively) not been at Death’s Door, knocking on Death’s Door Knockers (heh…We said “knockers”), into this week.  We shall, however, boldly soldier on.  Mainly because were We (again, subjunctively) to boredly solder on, people would probably notice, and say things like, “What the fuck are you doing with that soldering iron?”  and “Ennui…it’s not just for breakfast any more”.  And THEN where would We be?

Speaking of complete non sequiturs (as opposed, presumably, to the incomplete kind), here is last year’s Libra video to compare with this year’s (see above):

Here’s the HorrorScope:

So Mahatma Gandhi and Kelly Ripa share a birthday.

We were kind of hoping that joke would write itself.

It didn’t.

You have got to deal with your financial situation today (Wait…We have a situation?  Could We get anything for it on eBay?)

— otherwise, things are sure to get stressful really soon!  (Of course they are.  Especially if you keep adding totally superfluous exclamation points.)

(Why is it “exclamation” instead of “exclaimation”?  What have clams got to do with it? (Meanwhile, if someone is “exClaymation”, does that mean he is now a Real Live Boy?))

The good news is that your mental state is perfect for that kind of thinking.  (Did anyone actually make it through that sentence with a straight face?)

One of your most important relationships are going through a transition right now, (Oh, it are, are it?  And yet, We are not being paid to proofread these dribblings.)

and while it might be uncomfortable and worrisome for a while, it will all work out for the best in the end. (But which end?)

(Didn’t think about THAT, didja?)

(Well, DIDJA?)

(Ninja, please.)

In the meantime, you should go out and start exploring other kinds of relationships.  (“Other kinds of relationships”, you say?  Of course, you didn’t put it in quotation marks…it looks much dirtier that way. Speaking of “other kinds of relationships”,  WorldWideInterWebNetzian sensation Chris Crocker (of “leave Britney alone” fame, in case you were struggling to recall) is releasing a porn fillum.   Being as We Our Own Self Personally are a WorldWideInterWebNetzian sensation, perhaps We should release Ourself a porn fillum.)

(We were going to come up with a funny title, but We thought We’d just let you party with the thought of Us in a porn fillum.)

(You’re welcome.)

Find out for yourself what it’s like to be an independent person without any alliances to hold you back. (We are woman, hear Us roar, and watch Us turn tricks like a whore…)

And no matter how wonderful an alliance is, it is still something that limits your freedom.  (So it’s a foundation garment, then?)

It might be time for you to get tough with yourself. (Ya know, if you do S&M with yourself, you have to do both S and M.)

You have enough stubborn determination to help you get past any habits that aren’t helping your love life. (We’re pretty sure We’re not wearing a habit. Although We can certainly see where that wouldn’t help One’s love life.)

Be honest and unmerciful with yourself.  (Kiss Us quick…We’re Ming.)

 

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

                            

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.