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Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Pardon me, Miss, but I’ve never done this with a real live boy.

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for ToothDay, October Twoth, Twoth-ousand Twelve.  Happy birthday to Cute-Boi-In-Tights,  who turns twenty-four today.  Our SitOnOurFaceBook informs Us that he recently moved to the Windy City, aka The Hog Butcher of the World, apparently to avoid running into Us awkwardly once a year on the streets of the Gayborhood.

Here, because We are feeling nostalgic (and because We have absolutely nothing else to report)  are all of Our Cute-Boi-In-Tights birthday wishes since the beginning of Our acquaintance:

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Mundee’s Undies, October 3, 2011. Can anyone stand that it’s October already?  And, more to the point, nuclear winter?  Nevertheless, happy belated (and nipply) birthday to Cute-Boi-In-Tights, who turned twenty-four over the weekend.  Perhaps one day he will regale Us with a spellbinding recital of What We Ever Did To Him.  Or perhaps not. 

Here is your horoscope for Friday, October 01, 2010 (October, already!  Who knew?  Happy birthday in advance to CuteBoiInTights, who turns twenty-four over the weekend, and who isn’t reading this. 

Here is your horoscope for Friday, October 02, 2009 (Happy birthday to CuteBoiInTights, who turns twenty-four today.  Or something d@mn close to it.  (We STILL own tights that are older than he is, but whatevs.)

Here is your horoscope for Thursday, October 02, 2008 (Happy birthday to CuteBoiInTights, who turns twenty-four today. Again.  Some more.  Call me…your birthday spanking awaits.)

Here is your horoscope for Tuesday, October 02, 2007 (Happy birthday to M, who, to the best of Our knowledge, actually DOES turn twenty-four today. Some of you may better remember him as Cute Boi In Tights from some theatrical epic gone by. We have not laid Our two eyes upon his cuteness-in-tights in quite some time, but We did recently play Scrabble with him on SitOnMyFaceBook, so We know that he lives. And is, presumably, still cute. Whether in tights or not, We haven’t got any idea.)

Here is your horoscope for Monday, October 2 (Ah, Monday! And a brand new month! And the arrival of nuclear winter! Does it GET any better than this? And happy TWENTY-THIRD birthday to M. (Oh, I *KNOW*! How often do ya hear about a TWENTY-THIRD birthday in THESE Hallowed Pages?), aka Cute Boy In Tights. Who, much like his costar, MyNewStr8Boyfriend, doesn’t call, doesn’t write, doesn’t p33 on me when I’m on fire…sigh. (Okay, “on fire” is like a metaphor-thingie. But still.) Oh, well; happy birthday anyway.)

We are feeling a little trapped right now, both by the suddenly-ghastly weather, and by Our foolhardy efforts to cram all of the post-Fringe activities that would have been spread over last week and this week, had We (subjunctively) not been at Death’s Door, knocking on Death’s Door Knockers (heh…We said “knockers”), into this week.  We shall, however, boldly soldier on.  Mainly because were We (again, subjunctively) to boredly solder on, people would probably notice, and say things like, “What the fuck are you doing with that soldering iron?”  and “Ennui…it’s not just for breakfast any more”.  And THEN where would We be?

Speaking of complete non sequiturs (as opposed, presumably, to the incomplete kind), here is last year’s Libra video to compare with this year’s (see above):

Here’s the HorrorScope:

So Mahatma Gandhi and Kelly Ripa share a birthday.

We were kind of hoping that joke would write itself.

It didn’t.

You have got to deal with your financial situation today (Wait…We have a situation?  Could We get anything for it on eBay?)

— otherwise, things are sure to get stressful really soon!  (Of course they are.  Especially if you keep adding totally superfluous exclamation points.)

(Why is it “exclamation” instead of “exclaimation”?  What have clams got to do with it? (Meanwhile, if someone is “exClaymation”, does that mean he is now a Real Live Boy?))

The good news is that your mental state is perfect for that kind of thinking.  (Did anyone actually make it through that sentence with a straight face?)

One of your most important relationships are going through a transition right now, (Oh, it are, are it?  And yet, We are not being paid to proofread these dribblings.)

and while it might be uncomfortable and worrisome for a while, it will all work out for the best in the end. (But which end?)

(Didn’t think about THAT, didja?)

(Well, DIDJA?)

(Ninja, please.)

In the meantime, you should go out and start exploring other kinds of relationships.  (“Other kinds of relationships”, you say?  Of course, you didn’t put it in quotation marks…it looks much dirtier that way. Speaking of “other kinds of relationships”,  WorldWideInterWebNetzian sensation Chris Crocker (of “leave Britney alone” fame, in case you were struggling to recall) is releasing a porn fillum.   Being as We Our Own Self Personally are a WorldWideInterWebNetzian sensation, perhaps We should release Ourself a porn fillum.)

(We were going to come up with a funny title, but We thought We’d just let you party with the thought of Us in a porn fillum.)

(You’re welcome.)

Find out for yourself what it’s like to be an independent person without any alliances to hold you back. (We are woman, hear Us roar, and watch Us turn tricks like a whore…)

And no matter how wonderful an alliance is, it is still something that limits your freedom.  (So it’s a foundation garment, then?)

It might be time for you to get tough with yourself. (Ya know, if you do S&M with yourself, you have to do both S and M.)

You have enough stubborn determination to help you get past any habits that aren’t helping your love life. (We’re pretty sure We’re not wearing a habit. Although We can certainly see where that wouldn’t help One’s love life.)

Be honest and unmerciful with yourself.  (Kiss Us quick…We’re Ming.)


 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.