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Friday, October 19, 2012

The day my mama socked it to the Harper Valley PTA

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Friday, October 19, 2012.  We trust you have all recovered from your Zac Efron naked birthday festivities yesterday.  Here at Erix Daily Horoscope, We have been having a spike in Our hit count, which always makes Us wonder what is going on (since We know We don’t have any more naked skimmers than We had before).

(It just occurred to Us to Google “naked skimmers” on Wikipedia, to see where We might perchance acquire more.  For the most part, the results were Erix Daily Horoscope e-pissodes.  How gratifying.)

At any rate, We consulted Our trusty Google-O-Meter™, which informed Us that, in addition to the usual assortment of “fat bellies”, “fat man”, and “fat men” (and why that horrible naked fat guy picture holds such fascination for all y’all, We’ll never know), people still have no idea that, if you want to search a phrase accurately, you need to put it in quotes.

To wit, the folks who arrived here looking for Buster Posey shirtless.  Now, We Our Own Self Personally had to look up this Buster Posey to see if there was actually such a person.  Apparently, he plays that American sport that’s like cricket.  And, having seen him, We are perfectly amenable to having him appear within these hallowed pages shirtless.  Imagine his fans’ disappointment, however, when they realize that, due to their lack of quotation marks, they have arrived here due tour predilection for discussing Buster Keaton and Parker Posey, neither shirtless, and whole bunches of other non-Buster-Posey gentlemen, shirtless.

Our next example requires, mercifully, even less explanation, as, while We have certainly mentioned Ms. Diana Rigg in these e-pisstles (most recently, if We recall correctly, in a dissertation on the fact that, when WE say The Avengers, We mean something completely different from what You Chirren mean when you say The Avengers), We are certain beyind doubt that We have never employed the phrase “Diana Rigg cameltoe”.

We actually had high hopes for the last search phrase, but when We put it in quotes, We came up empty.  What, however, is not to love about a “duck dressed up as Justin Bieber”?  We also tried it the other way around, because if Justin Bieber dressed up as a duck, specifically Donald, he’d be wearing a shirt and no pants, which would give Us an excuse to say “Justin Bieber’s penis”, and put the following video in here again:

Before We conclude this portion of Our program, We must just give honorable mention the person who arrived here by searching OMFG.  We must also point out that We did not make any of this up; these are actual search statistics supplied by Google.

We are taking the day off from writing (other than this e-pisstle…you lucky, lucky, people!), as We have other things to do.  Meanwhile, yesterday, some home repair project going on next door was so loud that We thought We would lose what passes for Our mind.  We did, however, keep writing, and still look to be on schedule for completing The Murder Mystery That Would Not Die by the end of the weekend.

Despite the back-alley abortion that is The Weather, We must needs go to the Ack-A-Me.  And, it being Spirit Day, whereon One must wear purple to show One’s opposition to bullying, One has a problem.  Because, while One can think of at least three purple dresses in One’s wardrobe, One cannot think of a single stitch of purple boy clothing.  And One is NOT wearing a dress to the Ack-A-Me.

After all, it’s raining.

Meanwhile, the following is happening in one week:
The WaitStaff’s Halloween Match Game Extravaganza!

 The Real Housewives of South Philly join host Gene Rayburn and the usual assortment of ding-a-lings for a kreepy, kooky, mysterious and spooky, altogether ooky Halloween edition of The Match Game!

Friday and Saturday, October 26 & 27, and Wednesday, October 31 (that's Halloween!)  All shows are at 7:30.

Speaking of complete non sequiturs (as opposed, presumably, to the incomplete kind), here is last year’s Libra video to compare with this year’s (see above):

Here’s the HorrorScope:

It is Jeannie C. Riley’s birthday.  How sad that that’s the best We can do.  Sorry if you’re gonna have Harper Valley PTA  stuck in your heads for the rest of the day.

You are having an easier time with meetings, (Our last “meeting” was a week ago.  And the one before that was probably a week before that.  Sigh.)

brainstorming (Take an umbrella!  And wear your rubbers.)

and other activities that require leadership and forward-thinking. (Leadership requires followers.  Penmanship requires penguins.  The Good Ship Lollipop requires Shirley Temple tapdancing.)

(There.  How “forward thinking” izzat?)

Your great mental energy ensures that you impress all the right people.  (As long as they’re imaginary.)

Get ready for one of your biggest emotional walls to come down — or rather, be torn down by a very compassionate person who wants to get to know you a little bit better!  (Is it just Us, or did every ho-ma-seck-shull in the place just say, “Tear DOWN that bitch of a bearing wall…”?)

They won’t accept shallow small talk from you this time. (And We can’t do Shallow Hal talk, because We never saw it.)


They want to know your true thoughts and are interested in what you really want out of life. (Well, pudding’s nice.)

(We have no idea where that came from.  Please send help.)

 Exploring your feelings in front of another person doesn’t need to make you feel uncomfortable.  (At least, not as uncomfortable as that sentence made Us feel.)

You can trust this person with all of your vulnerabilities.  (What about Our velociraptors?)

Now this is more like it!   (That would seem to depend on what exactly “this” and “it” are, don’t you think?)

Pack your social schedule for all of the day and all of the night — you’ll love meeting new people and developing deeper bonds with a certain someone new.  (Did someone say “bondage”?  Dinner is going to be interesting…)

(Your Your-O-Scopes:


(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.