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Thursday, October 18, 2012

I want my own dream so bad I’m gonna scream

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Thursday, October 18, 2012.  We are all about the word counts.  We just discovered that there are about 400 carried-over words here before We start, which means We are adding about 600-800.  Which includes the addition of Kelli’s ass(tromalogical) ho(roscopulations). Fascinating, no?  Meanwhile, in Murder Mystery Land, We had a bad day yesterday (must have been that full-night’s sleep), so Our four-day total is only about 3500 words, instead of 4000.  On the plus side, even though We didn’t feel like writing, We wrote, thereby producing…something, possibly crap, but at least We can re-edit it later.  It is difficult to edit nothing.

But enough about Us…what do YOU think about Us?

Not only did We not sleep through the night last night, but We are also up at the crack of ass.  Which means We should be able to blow through this e-pisstle and be killing people again by 10:30, 11 at the latest.  Our world and welcome to it.

We just got an email telling Us We could fly round-trip to New Orleans for $218.  That is a very dangerous thing to be telling someone in Our precarious mental state. (Our mental state is not, generally, Louisiana, but We would make an exception for a trip to New Orleans.)

We know what you’re thinking.  (Oh, yes, We do…We’re psychic.)  You’re thinking this isn’t nearly as much fun as The Night Of Margot Kidder’s Vaguina  Day was.  Screw you guys, We’re going home.

Meanwhile, the following is only about a week away:
The WaitStaff’s Halloween Match Game Extravaganza!

 The Real Housewives of South Philly join host Gene Rayburn and the usual assortment of ding-a-lings for a kreepy, kooky, mysterious and spooky, altogether ooky Halloween edition of The Match Game!

Friday and Saturday, October 26 & 27, and Wednesday, October 31 (that's Halloween!)  All shows are at 7:30.

Speaking of complete non sequiturs (as opposed, presumably, to the incomplete kind), here is last year’s Libra video to compare with this year’s (see above):

Here’s the HorrorScope:

Lest you think there is not a single ray of sunshine to be had today, it is Zac Efron’s birthday.  Which gives Us the opportunity to boost Our hit count by observing that somewhere in the universe, Zac Efron is wearing his birthday suit, thereby practically DEMANDING that We employ the phrase “Zac Efron naked”.

Just in case that is too much sunshine, We shall pee in your punchbowl by informing you that, on their birthdays today, Erin Moran of Happy Days and Joanie Loves Chachi fame is fifty-two, Pam Dawber of Mork and Mindy fame is sixty-one, and Dawn Wells of Gilligan’s Island fame is seventy-four.  In her defense, Dawn was apparently the youngest person on that island, and everybody else except Ginger and the professor is dead.

Did We mention Zac Efron naked?

You’re having some hard feelings about an old issue today (How dare you call Zac Efron an “old issue”!)

 — and you need to face them directly!  (Love to!  Although it’s awfully early in Hollywood…Zac is probably still in bed…)

Things are getting weird at home, (Well, DUH.  We live here.)

but you can still handle it all if you’re brave.  (So it’ll be the Home of the Brave, then?  Somebody should put that in a song.)

Difficult situations and touchy conversations are always made easier when you are frank and open about how you are feeling.  (Apropos of nothing, We have just learned that the guy who invented Mad Libs™ has died.  Doesn’t that just make you feel as ADJECTIVE as a NOUN?)

Facts and figures are indisputable, (Clearly, you haven’t listened to any Republicants recently.)

but feelings can be easily modified — and this is not a good thing.  (We have no response to that.  So We’re just gonna say: Zac Efron naked.)

Do not change how you express yourself out of fear that you will trigger a bad response. (Wow…is it just Us, or is this getting really heavy?)

Like it or not, there is no point in saying anything unless you say the truth. (Unless it happens to turn out that, if you say “Zac Efron naked” three times, he appears.)

(Zac Efron naked, Zac Efron naked, Zac Efron naked.)

(Our hit count just went through the roof.  Completely artificially, of course.  Sorry, Google.)

You’ll never be able to make real progress any other way.  (Pilgrim.)

(That was a little litter-hairy allusion.  Lest you think Zac Efron’s penis is the only thing on Our mind.)

If you’re not interested in introducing the person you’re currently dating to your family and friends, you’re probably wasting your time. (Oh, please.  If you think We’re going to all the trouble of inflating Our date just so Our family can meet him, you’ve got another think coming.)

(Zac Efron’s penis.)

 But since you’re so stubborn, (Grrr…)

you’ll continue to fit this square-pegged person into the round hole of your life. (Okay, now, that’s just vulgar.)

So be it. (Sometimes, the subjunctive sounds just like Ebonics.  And sometimes, you don’t.)

(Your Your-O-Scopes:


(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.