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Wednesday, October 3, 2012

What’s so funny ‘bout peas?

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for WinesDay, October Turd, Two Tousand Twelb.  Happy birthday to Dawn, who turns twenty-four today in ArizonaWynonnaMySharona, which is, We believe, A Western State Which Is Not California.  Which, now that We type it out, would seem to be a textbook definition of “superfluous”, but what the hell do We know? Also, happy birthday to Karen, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back, no doubt draped across a grand piano somewhere.  Which, now that We type it out, sounds really dirty, which was not Our intention in the least.


Also, Happy Hump Day to the rest of all y’all.  (It was Our intention for that to sound every bit as dirty as it possibly could.  How’d We do?)

In still other news, tonight is opening night for the Arden’s Next to Normal (or, as We like to call it, because We’re hep that way, Nine Inch Nails), about which We have already waxed poetic (which did not amuse Maya Angelou in the least) here:  It is also opening night for 1812’s This Is (Or Was) The Week That Is (Or Was), which We saw last night in previews.  It is essentially the WaitStaff with a five-figure budget, better costumes, and musical numbers, which is to say, a very good time.  So, to Alex, Greg, and Michael at TI(OW)TWTI(OW), and to Rachel and Michael (aka Justin Bieber) at NIN, warm kisses on all of your openings!

Because that Justin Bieber reference never gets old (at least, not to Us), here is Our video with the Biebster:

Meanwhile, in the Witch City of Salem, Massachusetts, THIS is happening:

And here’s a sample:

Speaking of complete non sequiturs (as opposed, presumably, to the incomplete kind), here is last year’s Libra video to compare with this year’s (see above):

Here’s the HorrorScope:

In random sad birthday news, it is Gore Vidal’s birthday.  But he died earlier this year.  So no cake for him.  Meanwhile, the folks at TI(OW)TWTI(OW) may be interested to know that it is Al Sharpton’s birthday as well.

You have to do something about your clutter — or maybe all that empty space in your house!  (Ya know, Kelli, it’s really easy to be an Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist) if you predict that ANYTHING can happen.  Yeah, Uranus is in your other house, so it might rain, or it might not rain.  Shut. Up. Kelli.)

You’ve got to balance your possessions with your needs, (What she is not making clear is that she is talking about demonic possessions.)

and if it takes all day, so be it. (Oh, please.  It’s 1:30 in the afternoon, and We haven’t even published the damn horoscope yet.  Good luck on Us accomplishing anything else.)

Putting restrictions on yourself isn’t fun, (But Johnny Depp in a leather harness is a really good time.)

but it is a heck of a great way to strengthen your values. (Yeah.  Because what We’re striving for is to be walking down the street and have people say, “Oooohhh!  Look how strong her values are!”)

Make sure that your actions are following your principles today — you have to walk the walk, not just talk the talk. (They always say that, but They never follow it up with “caulk the caulk”.)

(Why is that?)

It’s not always easy to be a consistent person, (And yet, We are a consistently easy person…just try Us.)

but it is necessary if you want to be a quality person that people admire. (Again, this does not exactly sound like the path to sexual fulfillment.  We’re just sayin’.)

Being a hypocrite is a lot easier, but who likes a hypocrite? (People who have taken The Hypocritic Oath?)

And don’t forget that you are a role model for others. (Dammit…We thought you said “roll model”.  We never shoulda had that second bagel.)

Paradoxes are all around right now.  (That may or may not be true.)

(Heh.  See what We did there?)

Pretending to know something you know nothing about makes you look smarter, while playing hard-to-get makes your romantic prospects come closer.  (Also, absinthe makes you shart Jane Fonda.)

You’ll get the hang of it soon.  (When you get to the end of your rope, tie a noose in it and hang on.)

(Your Your-O-Scopes:


(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.