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Friday, October 26, 2012

Don’t trust a ho

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Friday, October 26, 2012.  Happy Eid al-Adha to Juan Anne Dahl.  (We had no idea what that meant (Our Dilbert calendar told it to Us), until We Googled it on Wikipedia.  Turns out, it’s a Muslim feast (which We had already surmised), and it’s not the least bit interesting, particularly in terms of mining humor from it.)

We were given to reflect, however, how people can possibly speak all these foreign languages when they all consist of random collections of letters but no actual words.

Speaking of Googling things on Wikipedia, We just learnt that We are the only writer on the entire WorldWideInterWebNetz who has ever referenced Juan Anne Dahl.  We feel We should get a prize of some sort.

Once We have finished this e-pisstle, We have to make six people confess to murder.  Which would not be a bad day’s work if We were (subjunctively), say, the District Attorney, but, alas, We are just finishing up Our murder mystery.  Which has been enthusiastically accepted by those who commissioned it, We might add, so More On That Story As It Develops.

Consequently, moving right along, here are some inappropriate tweets from Twatter to make up for the lack of original material:

The second worst thing about dating a panda is never being able to have bamboo furniture.

Next time someone asks, "Do you like impressions?", grab 'em by the shoulders, look into their eyes, and whisper, "I fucking LOVE impressions."

One time I was driving & I thought this woman was trying to casta spell on me but she was really just trying to tell me I had books on my car roof.

You haven't lived until you've tried to make a bed and the sheets get caught by a ceiling fan and destroy all the lamps in the room.

We are so close to living in  an age where someone will say, "Oh, no!  Grandma Brittany died!"

Straight marriage, gay marriage, whatever.  Just stop showing me pictures of your kids and we're cool.

Being full of energy for five hours sounds horrible.

My favorite part of the turkey is its jive ass.

Ever since my friend came back from her New Orleans tirp she's been pronouncing all her French wordss with herpes on her mouth.

When your limbs fall asleep that's Death seeing how far he can get without you noticing.

I hate evrything I've ever said at the end of a  phone call.

I always cry when I see a dog with three legs because I only have two legs.

My Internet is so slow, it's just faster to drive to Google headquarters and ask them shit in person.

Don't stare at me during sex!  I don't know you !!!

Your vagina should not be lower than the hem of your shorts.

Here is the link with which you would share Our new Time of the Month Horoscope video with your friends, if you were (subjunctively) so inclined.  Like the plane. .  Enjoy!

Meanwhile, the following is happening tonight, tomorrow, and next Wednesday (assuming (thereby making a sumo wrestler out of Uma Thurman’s ass) We have not all been killed by FrankenStorm).  We will see you there, won’t We?  For those who know him, Our Sistah Ovella (aka Bob Mason) will be playing Charles Nelson Reilly at all three performances.  Also, A Very Special Guest Star will be playing Brett Somers at Saturday’s performance …be afraid, be very afraid.:

The WaitStaff’s Halloween Match Game Extravaganza!

 The Real Housewives of South Philly join host Gene Rayburn and the usual assortment of ding-a-lings for a kreepy, kooky, mysterious and spooky, altogether ooky Halloween edition of The Match Game!

Friday and Saturday, October 26 & 27, and Wednesday, October 31 (that's Halloween!)  All shows are at 7:30.

Speaking of complete non sequiturs (as opposed, presumably, to the incomplete kind), here is last year’s Scorpio video to compare with this year’s (see above):

Here’s the HorrorScope:

In one of those bizarre co-inky-dinks that only seem to happen here at Erix Daily Horoscope, Hillary Clinton, Jaclyn Smith, and Pat Sajak are all turning sixty-five today.  Leading Us, naturally, to the question…have We ever seen the three of them together in the same place at the same time?  What are the odds that they are actually all three the same person?  And how freaked out would that make Bill Clinton and Vanna White?

Avoid any new business today, (How is Our business any of your business?  We’ve had just about enough of you!)

no matter how tempting it may seem to be. (You know  what’s not tempting?  Your horoscope, Kelli.  We just wandered off to the InterNetz for a good ten minutes.  AssHat.)

You have got to focus (Sorry…did you say something?)

on the projects and chores that have been languishing before you can look forward to new things.  (“Languishing”?  Seriously?)

You have been all smiles with one of your foes lately, (The name’s Foe.  Edgar Allan Foe.)


and this trend is likely to continue for some time. (Yeah, because they don’t call it a trend if it’s over real fast.  Moron.)

The two of you have much more to gain by getting along than you do by pushing against each other’s interests.  (The term “lovemuffin” just leapt, all unbidden, into Our consciousness.  We have no idea why.)

This isn’t exactly going to be a lovefest, though. (Sez YOU.  (Why “lovemuffin” and not “lovebiscuit”?  “Lovebaguette”?  “LoveKaiserRoll”?))

There is still a real problem, (“LoveAmericanStyle”?  “LoveIsAManySplendoredThing”? “LoveSidney”?)

(We have no idea why she thinks there’s a problem.)

(Did anybody actually ever WATCH Love, Sidney?)

and it will not go away until they grow up and start to accept responsibility for their actions.  (We’re confused.  Who are “they”?)

You should be aware that this peace is probably only temporary.  (ViZZZualiize whirled peas.)

Everything changes — that’s simply the nature of life, and especially the nature of love. (But if the fact that everything changes doesn’t change…)

If you keep clutching at what you think you have, (Our pearls? Our purse? Jonathan Lipnicki’s ass?)

(How did THAT happen?)

you’re sure to miss out on what’s just about to arrive. (And We’d sure hate to sleep through FrankenStorm.  (Anybody got a hottie handy who’d like to come and keep Us company through the hurricane?))

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:


(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.