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Thursday, October 25, 2012

Let’s run away and don’t ever look back, don’t ever look back

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for ThurstonHowellTheThirdsDay, October 25, 2012.   Happy birthday to Blaine, who turns twenty-four today.  Also, happy birthday to TJ, who does NOT turn twenty-four today.  Because We’re hip like that, and know young people.  Also also, happy belated birthday to John, who turned twenty-four yesterday, and who now, consequently, is older than that.

Life is complicated.

From The Things That Are Pissing Us Off Department:  We live in Philadelphia, people.  The City That Loves You (On Your) Back, The City Of Brotherly Love Handles….there is no reason on God’s Green Earth that We should have to know when Hurricane Season is, or even acknowledge its existence.  Jeebus.

In other news, Our inner iTunes shuffle (doesn’t EVERYONE have an inner iTunes shuffle?)  has, for the past two days, been alternating Katy Perry’s Teenage Dream with Betcha By Golly Wow by the Stylistics.  This morning, it added in I Hate Men from Kiss Me, Kate. Which may explain why we have been awake since the crack of ass, but which does NOT explain how We manage to maintain any vague illusion of sanity, or how We keep from digging Our Own brain out of Our skull through Our ear canal with an immersion blender.

(We are desperately hoping for some madd youngster props from somebody out there for the fact that We remembered to call it “Our inner iTunes shuffle” instead of “Our inner CD shuffle”, even though We all know good and well that it’s an 8-track tape player.)

Our coffee this morning tastes like ass.   And not in a good way.  (We just thought you ought to know that.)

Here is the link with which you would share Our new Time of the Month Horoscope video with your friends, if you were (subjunctively) so inclined.  Like the plane. .  Enjoy!

Meanwhile, the following is happening tomorrow, Saturday, and next Wednesday.  We have already been writing Halloween-themed questions this very morning…be afraid, be very afraid.:

The WaitStaff’s Halloween Match Game Extravaganza!

 The Real Housewives of South Philly join host Gene Rayburn and the usual assortment of ding-a-lings for a kreepy, kooky, mysterious and spooky, altogether ooky Halloween edition of The Match Game!

Friday and Saturday, October 26 & 27, and Wednesday, October 31 (that's Halloween!)  All shows are at 7:30.

Speaking of complete non sequiturs (as opposed, presumably, to the incomplete kind), here is last year’s Scorpio video to compare with this year’s (see above):

Here’s the HorrorScope:

From The What A Co-Inky-Dink Department, today is Katy Perry’s birthday.  We just found that out this very minute.  ShutTheFuckUp, Katy Perry.  Also, it is Helen Reddy’s birthday.  She is woman, hear her roar, make her scrub the kitchen floor.  (Sorry…apparently We were channeling Republicants there for a second.  Good thing We stopped before God gave somebody The Gift Of Rape.)

Also also, it is Barbara Cook’s birthday.  She is notable for having given the first public performance of Leonard Bernstein’s Glitter and Be Gay.  Obviously, We did not have to be told twice.

You need to deal with something real today — so (Take the wheel of your auto-mobile and swing on down to…Ideal?)


 make sure that you’re ready and willing. (Cain and Abel, Mack and Mabel.)

(Fucking Tourettes.)

(Heh.  See what We did there?)

Things could get pretty weird (Wait…weirder than they are already?)

if you don’t tackle it directly, so just ignore everything else.  (Sorry…did you say something?)

(Heh.  We kill Us.)

Sometimes, new ideas pop into your head that seem so nutty that you have an immediate urge to toss them right out again. (But then We wind up the gramophone and they get stuck on Our Victrola shuffle, and…)


But today, when an it’s-so-crazy-that-it-just-might-work scheme shows up in your grey matter, hang onto it for a while. (Betcha by golly wow.)

Mull it over. (Mulligatawney, here We go round the mulberry bush, Mulberry RFD.)


Look again a few hours later and see if it doesn’t actually seem do-able!  (Is this “it” the same “it” We were supposed to tackle directly earlier?  Because before We tackle “it”, then do “it”, We feel as though We should ask “it” “its” name.)

Right now you need distance to gain clarity. (Yeah, We don’t have any of that.  We do, however, have plenty of Aunt Clarity.)

(That was a little Bewitched joke.  It being Halloween season, and all.  You’re welcome.)

So if something is unclear, (In Our life?  Are you kidding Us?)

give it time and give it space. (It’s about time, it’s about space, it’s about time to slap your face.)

Because by the end of the day, it may surprise you.  (SURPRISE!!!)

Watch out for problems with rose-colored glasses. (The ones that are half empty, or the ones that are half full?)

Optimism is vital, (Oh, the half full ones.)

but you don’t want to end up so idealistic (Yeah, THAT could happen.)

that you blind yourself to the warning signs when it comes to a current romantic prospect. (Why is it that they keep making Us inflate Our Own romantic prospects?)

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:


(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.