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Monday, October 22, 2012

Shake your new maracas and you’re fine!

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for JustAnotherMaxiPadMonday, October 22, 2012. Happy birthday to Darren, who turns…well, not quite twenty-four today.  Yes, We actually know people who are Not Quite Twenty-Four.  (We were just on the verge of a joke about making face cream out of them, but Darren blushes easily.  Sorry, Darren.)

Also, Happy Labour Day to Our New Zealandish readers.  (If We do, in fact, HAVE any New Zealandish readers, that would be outlandish, indeed. (We just, for one brief moment, chanced to wonder where Old Zealand might be, but We decided there’s no need to give Ourself a headache so early in the morning. Geography not being Our strong suit.  (Our strong suit being, of course, a Chanel.)))

In other news, yesterday We finished the first draft of three of the four acts of the dreaded murder mystery, and shipped them off to the producer for notes on revisions.  We are also awaiting notes on how best to present the multiple endings for the exciting fourth act, so today, all We have to write is this e-pisstle.  We have decided that, while We enjoy Having Written, We hate Actual Writing.  Which is problematic for One such as Ouself, who has so many Vitally Important Things To Say.  Sigh.

For example, the WorldWideInterWebNetz want you to know that there is only one logical place to hide your butt plug when your parents come to visit for the weekend.

Orange  you glad We keep you informed?

Orange you glad We didn’t say banana?

Especially in the same paragraph with “butt plug”?

Meanwhile, the following is happening this Friday and Saturday, and next Wednesday:
The WaitStaff’s Halloween Match Game Extravaganza!

 The Real Housewives of South Philly join host Gene Rayburn and the usual assortment of ding-a-lings for a kreepy, kooky, mysterious and spooky, altogether ooky Halloween edition of The Match Game!

Friday and Saturday, October 26 & 27, and Wednesday, October 31 (that's Halloween!)  All shows are at 7:30.

Speaking of complete non sequiturs (as opposed, presumably, to the incomplete kind), here is last year’s Libra video to compare with this year’s (see above):

Apropos of absolutely nussing, here is this, which is about a minute nad a half long, and Safe For Work:

Here’s the HorrorScope:

In case you weren’t feeling old enough yet this morning, Annette Funicello is seventy years old today.  That’s thirty-five years per boob.  And Jonathan Lipnicki, the little kid from Stuart Little, who uttered the immortal line “You said ‘fuck’” to Tom Cruise in Jerry Maguire?  His picture is up above.  He’s twenty-two today.

You’re welcome.

A big opportunity comes knocking, (Is it just Us, or does Kelli at least once a month trot out all this tired crap about Opportunity’s knockers?)

(Now We are imagining a stripper whose first name is Opportunity.  What is her last name?  Contest, anyone?)

probably fairly early in the day  (It is indeed fairly early in the day.  We may have to wrap this nonsense up and go frolic in the sunshine.)

— so go for it!  (Okay…We will!)

You need to be ready for anything, (Well, that certainly narrows it down.)

(We would get ready for the Spanish Inquisition, but nobody expects that.)

so make sure that you can move (Get. Down. Boogie-oogie-oogie.)


when the situation calls for action.  (Or when Opportunity’s knockers.)

Today you will finally start to see signs that your latest business or career plans are finally coming together!  (And yet, We have once again failed to win PowerBall™.)

Once again, your drive for success has not let you down (Have you SEEN Us drive?  Not pretty.)

— it’s taken you to a really nice place in your life, and you have many options. (None of which, of course, is VIABLE, but still…)

Use this day as a sort of rest stop on the road to your goals, (So you’re saying pee all over it?  We don’t think so.)

and kick back with one of your favorite people. (Why are they Our favorite people if We have to kick them back?)

Take a long lunch with them and talk about something other than what you have been working on for so long.  (Can We make that dinner instead?)

 You know that friend who’s always making negative comments about your choices in romantic partners?  (Wait…We have romantic partners?  What’d’We, miss something?)

Well they may be on to something. (Alternatively, they may be on something.)

So instead of ignoring what they say, inquire and prod. (How rude!)

Amid the dissention, you may find a kernel of truth in there you can use.  (Something something, Opportunity’s knockers.)

(Your Your-O-Scopes:


(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.