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Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Grind your behind till you’re banned

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for ToonsDay, October 23, 2012.  Happy birthday to AJ, who turns twenty-four today!  Which means We have entered Scorpio.  Which means there’s a brand spanking (oooohhh!!!) new Time of the Month Horoscope video above for your viewing pleasure.  (Although why it says "Aquarius", We haven't got any idea.) Here is the link with which you could Cher it with your friends, if you were (subjunctively) so inclined and if you had (subjunctively) friends: .  Enjoy!

Here at Casa de CrazyPants, We are embroiled in a boner fried mystery.  And not just the one We recently penned.  Of course, We shan’t go into detail, as it is always at least remotely possible that We are simply being dense, and that there really is no mystery at all.

How wuzzat for a whole lotta vague?  And right away We give you some more…

Yesterday, We were the victim of such a display of blatant rudeness that We almost cannot believe it even happened.  We MUST be mistaken, We said to Ourself as We kept right on walking in Our best Miss Manners Mince, because no one could possibly have such shocking disregard for taste, breeding, and The Feelings Of Others.

On the other hand, she wore a white glove.  On the other other hand (because she’s tricky that way, with her three hands), since We were meant not to see what We pretended not to see, the other party thinks they got away with it, so We can plot Our revenge in peace.

Meanwhile, the following is happening this Friday and Saturday, and next Wednesday:
The WaitStaff’s Halloween Match Game Extravaganza!

 The Real Housewives of South Philly join host Gene Rayburn and the usual assortment of ding-a-lings for a kreepy, kooky, mysterious and spooky, altogether ooky Halloween edition of The Match Game!

Friday and Saturday, October 26 & 27, and Wednesday, October 31 (that's Halloween!)  All shows are at 7:30.

Speaking of complete non sequiturs (as opposed, presumably, to the incomplete kind), here is last year’s Scorpio video to compare with this year’s (see above):

Here’s the HorrorScope:

It is Weird Al Yankovic’s birthday.  Just so ya know.

Your goals are within reach — in fact, you can basically blow (ExSQUEEZE Us?)

past that next milestone today, if you feel like it! (What if we feel like Chicken Tonight™, Chicken Tonight™?)

(We know We had a Chicken Tonight™ discussion in these e-pisstles at one point, so We went and looked it up.  It happened here:

Apparently, We used to be a lot funnier, before We started getting embroiled in mysteries and treated rudely.  To wit:

Because We are indeed an inquiring mind who wants to know, We just looked up that old “Chicken Tonight” product to see if it still exists.  (For those too young to recall (and, seriously, if you’re too young to recall that, back the hell away from Mommy’s computer and get back in your playpen) Chicken Tonight™ was a jar of high fructose corn syrup designed to ruin an entire pan of perfectly good chicken.)  And it does, in fact, still exist, just not in this country. They have it in the UK, amongst other places, where they also have (and We SWEAR We are not making this up) a related product called “Sausages Tonight™”.
We feel like sausages tonight, sausages tonight…

Has a certain ring to it, no?  Although One must, philosophically, come to terms with the greed inherent in feeling like more than one…

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Meanwhile, how is it possible that it is already April Twenty-Twoth, and We have just this very minute discovered that April is National Poetry Month?

Two Siamese twins from Salinas 
Were conjoined from birth at the penis.
“We’d enjoy a good fu(k,
But we’re sh1t outta luck,
‘Cause there’s only one penis between us.”

Kiss Us quick, We’re Robert Frost in drag as Maya Angelou.


Make sure that you’re not leaving your friends or coworkers behind, though! (What’s all this about Our friends’ behinds?)

What visions do you have for your future? (Well, if We ever finish this stupid horoscope, We’re going shopping.)

If you haven’t given thought to where you want your life to be in the next five, ten or twenty years, today is a great day to put your mind to the task. (Way to cheer up the joint.  Bee-yotch.)

It’s more important than ever for you to understand what you want for yourself, and it won’t take long for you to put together some fantasies about what you’d ideally like to have. (Indeed.  We have no shortage of fantasies.  In fact, We venture to say, We have so many fantasies, they should have their own island.)

(De plane, Boss, de plane!  Who’s on top tonight, Boss?)

And fantasies can be the blueprint for your reality if you’re ready to put in the necessary efforts.  (If you’re gonna start in with that “viZZZualize The Secret” crap, count Us out.  We can viZZZualize all We want, We ain’t never gonna conjure up Johnny Depp’s phone number.)

Someone in your group — or maybe just one degree removed  (Kevin Bacon?)

— has something to offer in the way of romance now. (Would it be rude to call Kevin Bacon and ask him for Johnny Depp’s phone number?  Inquiring minds want to know.)

Maybe it’s an introduction to something or someone new. (Or maybe We’re hoping that none of all y’all noticed that We were too lazy to look up how to spell Hervé Villechaize.)

Find out. (YOU find out.  We’re still trying to figger out the part about Our friends’ behinds.)

(Your Your-O-Scopes:


(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.