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Friday, October 12, 2012

Bitchin’ in the kitchen and cryin’ in the bedroom all night

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Frisee, October 12, 2012.  Happy birthday to Liz, who turns twenty-four today in New Yawk New Yawk A Helluva Town The Bronx Is Up And The Stock Market’s Down.  Happy birthday also to Brendan, who also turns twenty-four today, albeit (did she say “albeit”?  Forsooth!  Also, odd bodkins!  (No, really…didja see ‘em?  They were very, very odd)) closer to home.

(Now that We mention Brendan, it occurs to Us to wonder if he is an Erix Daily Horoscope Gentle Reader…being the cunning linguist that he is, We feel certain he would appreciate some of the finer cunning linguistics that go on in these e-pisstles.)

Additionally also too, happy birthday to Ken, who also too additionally turns twenty-four today.  And happy birthday-in-advance to Catherine, who turns twenty-four tomorrow.

When We grow up, We are going to have Ourself a job where We charge $95 to walk into a client’s house.  We shall have a strapping young assistant, whose asscrack the client will be permitted to ogle for no extra charge as he fixes whatever ails the client with his (enormous) bare hands, while We chat the client up avuncularly (oh, shut up, Micro$oft Weird™…if One can be avuncular, One can do things avuncularly).   After five minutes time, said young assistant (did We mention he was strapping?) will announce, “Your frabnasticator was loose; I tightened it” (did We mention with his bare hands?  (did We mention they were ENORMOUS?)), and We shall move on to the next client’s $95 house.

You may think this sounds like a fantasy, but this all just actually happened in Our very HouseWhereWeLive.  (Although We may have made up the part where the strapping young assistant uttered a sentence with a semicolon in it. (Parenthetically (hence the brand spanking new parentheses), when a coupla str8 men from da hood walk into YourHouseWhereYouLive, you suddenly notice Just How Veddy Veddy Home-A-Sexual it really is.))

Heh.  “Home-A-Sexual.”  We kill Us.

In other news, Groupon sent Us ten free dollars, which We promptly used to buy a ten dollar Groupon for twenty-dollars worth of gourmet pizza.  So, while there is no such thing as a free lunch, there is apparently a free dinner in Our near future.

This just in from the WorldWideInterWebNetz, a casting call for models:

We are looking for the following for a Hospital Print Campaign:

A real amputee who can golf -or at least swing a golf club believably, adult.

A male surfer-18-24 with a good athletic body.
“Hospital Print Campaign”, Our Aunt Fanny!  We know a porno when We see one.  (As Neely  O’Hara would say, “Art films?  NUDIES!”)
(If anyone’s looking for Us, We’ll be in the other room, sawing Our leg off.)

Meanwhile, the following is just two weeks away:
The WaitStaff’s Halloween Match Game Extravaganza!

 The Real Housewives of South Philly join host Gene Rayburn and the usual assortment of ding-a-lings for a kreepy, kooky, mysterious and spooky, altogether ooky Halloween edition of The Match Game!

Friday and Saturday, October 26 & 27, and Wednesday, October 31 (that's Halloween!)  All shows are at 7:30.

Speaking of complete non sequiturs (as opposed, presumably, to the incomplete kind), here is last year’s Libra video to compare with this year’s (see above):

Here’s the HorrorScope:

(In other news, it’s Hugh Jackman’s birthday.  Now We are picturing him under Our kitchen sink.  Obviously, We’ll be getting nothing done for the rest of the day.)

You should stick with your routines today (So all of a sudden, We’re a majorette?)

— there’s just no need for you to improvise. (But should We sketch?  (That was a little industry joke (very little) for Our friends in da biz.))

That may not feel right to you, (That’s what SHE said.)

 but with today’s energy, it’s better to follow than it is to lead.  (But not necessarily better to swallow than it is to feed.)

(Think about it.)

Today it’s not about figuring out what other people can do to make you happy.  (Since they won’t do it anyway.)

It’s not even about figuring out what you can do to make yourself happy. (We know a euphemism when We see one.)

 It’s all about figuring out what you can do to make others happy!  (Where’s the fun in THAT?)

Be of service to someone who needs a hand.  (Hugh Jackman, to the white courtesy phone, please…your reacharound is ready.)

Send a sad friend into giggle fits, (It’s all shits and giggles till somebody giggles and shits.)

come to the aid of an overworked colleague, (Somewhere in there, there’s a joke about Twenty Thousand Colleagues Under The Sea.  Unfortunately, it’s not the least bit funny.)

or just surrender a great parking space to a haggard-looking mom. (We are trying to pixture Ourself, as a pedestrian, “surrendering” a parking space.  We are failing.)

Doing something nice for someone else will help you feel good about yourself in a whole new way.  (They always SAY that.  It never happens.)

You’re reflective today. (This would be why people keep looking at Us and straightening their ties.)

Where are you going? Where have you been? (No one expects the Spanish Inquisition.)

It’s a good time to take stock of your life and seek areas that scream for balance. (Is it just Us, or is screaming for balance a fairly clear sign of unbalancedness?  (Micro$oft Weird™ thinks “unbalancedness” is not a word.  Micro$oft Weird™ has apparently not met Us.))

Some shuffling of priorities will put everything back in harmony. (Every day We’re shufflin’. (Betcha thought We didn’t know that one, didn’t’cha?))

(Your Your-O-Scopes:


(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.