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Thursday, October 4, 2012

All you need is Lug! Nuts! Lug is all you need.

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Fursday, October Forf, 2012.  Happy birfday to OurDaughter, who clawed her way out of Our vagina twenty-four years ago today.  What the hell she was doing up Our vagina in the first place, We haven’t got any idea. (This will no doubt remind Gentle Readers Of A Certain Age of a Sandy Dennis movie from the 60s entitled Up the Down Vagina.  That is not Our fault.)  Happy birfday also to Jill, who also turns twenty-four today.  And happy birfday also as well to Ben, who also as well turns twenty-four today.  Ben holds the distinction of having been present for Starzina’s stage debut, wherein We audience-participated upon him.  Sat on his lap, We did.  He had a woody.  He’s Italian.  (You knew to pronounce that “EYE-talian”, right?  That’s how you say it when you mean “has a really big dick”.)

Ben… the two of us need look no more
We… both found what we were looking for…

Sorry…just having a moment.  In other news, happy birfday also to Juli and Alex, who don’t each get their own sentence because they’re not EVEN turning twenty-four today.

In random news form the WorldWideInterWebNetz, Leonardo DiCaprio, whom We follow on Twatter (because We’re hep to the jive like that), wants Us to know that it is Animal Action Week.  ROWRRR, Leo!  C’mon-a Our house and We’ll SHOW ya some “animal action”.  (Leo is Italian.  (You knew to pronounce that “IT-alian”, right? That’s how you say it when you mean “doesn’t have a very big dick”.  (Which see: )  We still wouldn’t kick him out of bed for eating crackers.  He IS Leonardo Di-Fucking-Caprio, fercrissakes.))

No matter how many times it happens, We are still always amazed that Micro$oft Weird™ is not hep enough to know the word “hep”.

So how many of you just got back from looking at the picture of Leonardo DiCaprio naked?  Perverts.

In still other news, We broke Our bathroom waste basket last night.  And now We have no idea what to do with it.  #ExistentialistProblems

Forgive Us if We are rambling.  It has dawned upon Us that We are a little Depressed.  (Yes, with a capital D.)  Whether this is post-plague-related or seasonal We have not yet ascertained. This despite the fact that We have spent each of the past three nights in the company of a different Hottie Gentleman Caller.  Sigh.  (Please don’t get the mistaken idea that We had such a thing as a “date” or anything.  Surely you would have noticed had the Earth (subjunctively) started spinning in the other direction.)

In addition to being Depressed, it is entirely possible that We have lost what has been passing for Our mind, or did today’s e-pisstle’s title not even phase you?

Meanwhile, in the Witch City of Salem, Massachusetts, THIS is happening:

And here’s a sample:

Speaking of complete non sequiturs (as opposed, presumably, to the incomplete kind), here is last year’s Libra video to compare with this year’s (see above):

Here’s the HorrorScope:

We know what you’re thinking.  You’re thinking, how could anyone possibly be Depressed when it is not only Susan Sarandon’s birthday, but also Rutherford B. Hayes’s?  We guess We’re just special like that.

You’re not moving at your typical quick pace today, (That was Uncle Joe, he was movin’ kinda slow…Extreme Unction.)

(Not every day you hear an “extreme unction” joke, izzit?  That one goes out to all of Our Catholic readers.)

which could mean almost anything (Way to prognosticate specifically, biz-natch.)

— you could be getting sick (Bite your damn tongue.)

or you could be distracted by some weird news that comes in this morning. (OurPatrickWhoArtInGreaterBostonia just informed Us via SitOnOurFaceBook that it is National Taco Day.  Do you mean weirder news than that?)

It gets better soon!  (Define “soon”.)

The actions of other people will be very unpredictable today, (Pigfuckers.)
so you need to be prepared for anything. (Again with the specificity.)
And although this day may test your flexibility (We should be so lucky.)
and your patience, (Our what?)

it will still be quite enjoyable. (Alrighty, then.)

You like it when things are interesting, (Which they so rarely are.)

and unpredictability is part of the price you pay for ‘interesting.’ (Leonardo DiCaprio’s penis.)

(Sorry…Our attention wandered…were you still talking?)

One of your friends might have an interesting social opportunity for you, but you need to have them explain things in more detail before you say ‘yes.’  (Well, doesn’t THAT just sound all murky. (Murky Murk:  Mark Wahlberg’s retarded rapper brother.  His career never quite took off.  There wasn’t a whole lot going on in his Calvin Kleins, if you know what We mean.  And We think you do.))

(Is it just Us, or is there a whole lotta crap about dick in here today?)

 You may feel like romantic progress is slow or fading, (Or, in fact, non-existent.)

but think of this time as a building phase. (We would, if We had any idea what the hell that meant.)

Make friends with someone new, update your online profile and let people know you’re on the market. (To market, to market, to buy a fat pig. (Clearly, We are bringing sexy back.))

(Your Your-O-Scopes:


(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.