Come, they told me

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for GoodPieRupeeTuesday,  December Sixteenst, 2014.

Happy Birthday to Holly, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.

Happy Birthday also to Rebecca, who also turns twenty-four today, also right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.

And also as well too, Happy Birthday to Dylan, who and also as well too turns twenty-four today, all the way out on The Left Coast.

And, last but not Lee Strasberg, Happy Birthday to Nick, who also turns twenty-four today, also all the way out on The Left Coast.

So, to sum up, nobody lives anywhere funny, half the people live here, We still don’t get cake.

Moving on…

We spent most of yesterday doing the last of Our Christmas shopping.  This holiday season is completely cockeyed…We haven’t done a single holiday-related fun thing yet, (although We have entertained at other people’s holiday parties ad nauseum), no one’s seen Our tree (wuzzat a euphemism?), and We are headed for the hinterlands this weekend (in, We are informed, a blizzard).  Sigh.

(We may get to have a friend over for a drink on Thursday.  In between Our two days of daytime gigs at the Murder Mystery Factory.)

Meanwhile, today, We are off to a two-hour focus group, following which We must rush home to (probably miss) a one-hour online focus group (SEPTA…We’re Getting There).  Because, ya know, money.  Sigh. Sigh.

In other news, Our Google-O-Meter™ informs Us that, in addition to this week’s e-pisstles, people are hitting on Our e-ntry from December 14, 2013, in which We explained the inner workings of Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!, so We’re just gonna go right ahead and excerpt that for you here to save you time and trouble.  (You’re welcome.):

In other news, it is Day Fourteen of Holidailies(TM) (http://www.holidailies.org ), and while We have indeed penned fourteen e-pissodes of these E-ric’s!Daily!Horoscope! e-pisstles, We do not have fourteen Holidaily entries, because We have twice forgotten to upload the damn things.

What We clearly need up in this place is an e-fficiency e-xpert.  (Or perhaps We could just persuade OurPatrickWhoArtInBostonia (hi, Patrick!) to have Us declared mentally incompetent and commit Us. (Now THERE’S a commitment ceremony everybody’d wanna see…just picture the china pattern!))

Here’s how one of these e-pisstles is created:  first, We connect Our Etch-A-Sketch™ to Our eight-track tape player, and shove ‘em both into the Beta-Max™…

Okay, it’s not quite that bad.  But still…

We pull up yesterday’s e-pissode in Micro$oft Weird™ (because working in the Google blogspot environment is way too annoying), delete all the stuff We don’t want to go forward, and keep all the stuff We do.

We check SitOnMyFaceBook to see whose birthday it is, and wish them a happy birthday.  Then We share any pertinent information that comes to mind.  For example, this would be where We would tell you that We had a dream last night about rats.  But it was okay, because Chord Overstreet was in it.  And he was naked.  (We probably didn’t need to add that last part…who the hell has dreams about Chord Overstreet where he’s NOT naked?)

Then We go to astrology.com and pull up the three pieces of Kelli’s asshatted blatherings that We use (daily horoscope, daily extended, and daily singles) into Notepad (pulling them directly into Weird™ causes problems) and answer her simple ass back.

Once We have written the e-ntire e-pissode (are you sick of this e-crap yet?),  We think up a song lyric for the title, and doublecheck it for accuracy. (Oddly e-nough (heh), Our memory is not always 100% reliable.  Go figger.)

Then it’s time to move to Blogspot.  We choose a Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Gerard Depardieu Maya Angelou Boy Named Sue from Our archives, import (and re-space) the text, add celebrity names to the Labels index, and publish.  We also share, at that point, on Google+, as more and more people are pretending to use it, even though nobody has any idea what it’s for.

We send out an email alert to the 75-or-so people who still get a daily email alert, We update Our SitOnMyFaceBook status (with a quote fromhttp://www.textsfromlastnight.com ), and We tweet on Twatter.  Also, We send a SitOnMyFaceBook message to all the non-celebrity people who were mentioned in that day’s e-pissode.

Is it any goddamn wonder We forgot to post to Holidailies?  Jeebus!

We are leaving this holiday-related bit here, in case you missed it:

On a positive note, check out Our Best Of Holidailies™ Award  here:  http://www.holidailies.org/entries/bestof#entry-1286 and go to the e-ntry directly here:  http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2014/12/time-passages.html .

We have leapt recently into Sagittarius, Our video for which is above.  (If We had Our finger on Our ephemeris We could tell you exactly when.  (Dirty-minded Gentle Readers with limited vocabularies just went scurrying off to Google “ephemeris” on Wikipedia.  Quests for knowledge are HAWTT.))

Here is the link with which you may share Our Sagittarius video with both of your friends:   http://youtu.be/6f1m5GLfk1Y  

And here, for your further edification, is Our very first Sagittarius video:

Moving on, didja know that We have been e-pisstling e-pissodes of these e-pisstles in one form or another since 2001?  And that the earliest dead-tree archival records from 2004 are now TEN YEARS OLD, and can be found (for a small fee) here: http://www.lulu.com/shop/eric-singel/erics-daily-horoscope-2004/paperback/product-300894.html  ? 

Thank Gawd We didn’t stray from the point.

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In celebrity birthday news, it is Theo James’s 30^th birthday.  Most people know him from the fillum Divergent. We recently read the first book in the Divergent series, which, as near as We could tell, was the exact same book as the first book in the Hunger Games series, which We also read. We haven’t seen any of the fillums in either series, although We appear to be missing out on a good bit of eye candy by giving them a miss.  In one of those odd co-inky-dinks that happen from time to time, We were just informed that Our 13-year-old cousin has a huge crush on Mister James, whom it turns out We have seen in his guest appearance on Downton Abbey, where (spoiler alert) he deflowered Lady Mary and promptly died.

Now is the perfect time to get started on something new — maybe a new business venture, or maybe a new relationship. (Yeah, We’ll just head on over to the new relationship tree and pick one.)

You feel more connected to the world, (We are the world, We are the chirren…)

(Oh, shut up.)

and should be able to make real progress.   (At this point, We’d settle for imaginary progress.)

A recent encounter that began somewhat playfully turned out to be highly-charged — and quite passionate, even. It’s also tough to forget, which may or may not be a good thing. In fact, you may even have to reluctantly admit that you’re obsessing.  (Okay who the hell replaced Kelli with an actual Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist)?)

So if someone close asks you what’s wrong, don’t be surprised to learn that you’re more in the mood to shout than speak softly. (Insert “big stick” joke here.)

You believe the best of others, especially in romantic matters, but sometimes you’re less than completely selfless when it comes to getting what you want. (Is it just Us, or wouldn’t “less than completely selfless” kind of be part of the definition of “trying to get what you want”?)

(Words have meanings.  AssHatt.)

Put someone else first for best results. (Well, since it’s his birthday and all, We’ll put Theo James first.  (And Chord Overstreet behind.  (Then We’ll switch.)))

(Who wants cake?)

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                    

Been called a pinko, Commie tool; got through it stinko, by my pool

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for FriedEgg, May 30^rd , 2014.

Happy Birthday to Jennifer, who turns twenty-four today all the way out on The Left Coast, in someplace that purports to be neither El Lay/WeHo nor Fran Sancisco, where they think Rice-A-Roni™ is a treat. Having had no personal experience of such places We are unsure as to whether We believe in them or not, although We have certainly also heard repeated anecdotal mentions of the state of Oregano, as well as the city of Seattle, which is in some Canadian province or another.

Speaking of Oregano, herewith Our recent treatise on same.  (Hey, if We have no idea if you’re reading, you’re gonna wind up with some reruns.):

[Cue WayBackMachine sound effects:]

Happy Birthday to Ginger, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.  Thereby causing Us to reflect upon people named after herbs and spices. Like Ginger. And Rosemary.  And Cinnamon on Mission:Impossible. (Although We can’t think of another example of a person named Cinnamon.)  And Angie Dickinson as Pepper Anderson on Policewoman. (Now THERE’S a brain cell We’ll never get back.)

This led, naturally (We being We), to speculation on ethnically-related herb-and-spice namesakes.  Are there, for example, Indian women named Curry?  That would probably depend upon the attractiveness, mellifluence-wise, of whatever the Indian word for “curry” is. Of course, the English word “Curry” is pleasant enough to be someone’s name (although We can’t think of anyone named Curry right off the top of Our head(s)), but if the Indian word for “curry” is “phlegmschmutz” or some such, they probably won’t be naming people that anytime soon.

We shall have to research this further the next time We need to call a customer service hotline.

Although, come to think of it, We know a lot more Italian women than We do Indian women, but We don’t know any named “Oregano”.  (Parenthetically (hence the parentheses), focusing on the word “Oregano” (which One does a lot less frequently than One might imagine) always makes Us think of Glenda Jackson, in some movie whose name escapes Us, going on and on about “ore-uh-GAH-no”, instead of “ore-RAY-guh-no”, making Us wonder if that’s an actual Britlandish pronunciation or just Glenda Jackson being a big ol’ freak.)

Shaun?

Of course, if it is pronounced Glenda Jackson’s way in Britland, it is much more likely that there are Italian women there named Oregano (Ore-uh-GAH-no)…

Shaun?

[/Cut WayBackMachine sound effects]

Also, Happy Treinta de Mayo to everybody. (We’ve kept this joke going since Mayo was Stinko, and no one’s mentioned it.)

Today’s e-pissode, you may have already noticed, is virtually content-free. (Much like yesterday’s, but who’s counting?)  SorryNotSorry.  If you want content, check out Wednesday’s tribute to Maya Angelou.  We’ll wait:

 http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2014/05/to-leather-to-dildos-to-curry-vindaloo.html

In still other news, congrats to OurMikeDoh on a damn-near flawless review in the Inquirer for his production of InAGaddaDaVida at the Arden: 

http://www.philly.com/philly/entertainment/20140530__Incorruptible__a_fine_fit_of_script__cast.html (Naturally, more people will see it because of the link here.  But none of them will mention it to Us.)

Speaking of birthdays, We are awaiting with bated breath (because We are nothing if not a master breath-bater) the arrival of Our birthday gift of tickets to see Hedwig and the Angry Inch starring Neil Patrick Harris and Len Cariou.

(We are just going to keep right on saying that until that show closes, thereby demonstrating the utter futility of Creative ViZZZualization.  (Although apparently We have viZZZualized well enough that one poor deluded Gentle Reader actually imagines that We already HAVE said tickets.))

(How many of you are now picturing Len Cariou as Yitzhak?  (How many of you would know where to begin if you had to picture Len Cariou to save your life? (How many of you are now saying, “That stupid bitch Starzina can keep doing this gag all the way till August, ain’t NOBODY buying her no damn Hedwig tickets”?)))

In other news, We find Ourselves (not that We were looking for Us, but it’s a figger of speech) in the sign of Gemini, Our video for which is above …and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends: http://youtu.be/Yj7enrUk6js ))).

Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is Our previous Gemini video, which is the first Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video We ever made.  Just look how far We’ve come! (Ooops…did that get in your eye?):

And here’s the HorrorScope:

In celebrity birthday news, Our celebutard birthday website informs Us that Justin Bieber has a sister named Jazmyn (no, really) whose birthday is today.  She is six. How this makes her a celebrity, We haven’t got any idea.

You could coast through the day if you feel like it (Well, We could.  Except that, in addition to going to the murder mystery factory this evening, We’ve actually got people We know coming to be in the audience.  So We may actually have to not suck.)

— or you could take advantage of the frictionless surface you’re gliding on (ExSQUEEZE Us?!?)

to make amazing progress toward an important goal. (Okay, whatevs.  Apropos of absolutely nothing, We recently learned that every single day of the year is some sort of National Some-Food-Or-Other Day.  Our Own Personal birthday, for instance, is National Cheese Ball Day.  (We are NOT making this up.)   We have misplaced the original website that allowed One to enter any day and find out what National Some-Food-Or-Other Day it is, but We just now received this, which outlines some of the more bizarre ones.  And which gives Us all plenty of time to make Our holiday plans for August 3^rd.  Which is, of course, National Grab Some Nuts Day:  http://www.thrillist.com/eat/nation/lima-bean-respect-day-something-on-a-stick-day-and-more-dumb-food-holidays?ref=facebook-868  .)

Your call!  (Didja ever notice that, whenever someone tells you it’s “your call”, they’ve already restricted the choices in such a way that renders all “calling” on your part futile and pointless?)

It’s tempting for you to answer email, talk on your cell and check your messages all at once today. (Those things are not the least bit tempting, either singularly or as a group.)

You might actually be able get away with all of it, too!  (If only We had a getaway car!)

However, make an effort to check in with yourself even during the height of your multitasking, rather than trying to seek new heights. (We have read and re-read that sentence several times now, and the only meaning We can discern is, “Have sex with tall people”.)

It’s vital to see how you’re doing, especially now that your energy is running high.  (Have you met Us?)

Challenge, challenge, who wants a challenge?  (Nobody. Shaddup.)

Talk to someone hotter than you, smarter than you or generally better than you — it’ll totally boost your confidence. (Yeah.  Thinking about all the people who are “generally better than” Us will have that effect.  Except, ya know, NOT.  AssHatt.)

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.