Feels so right…it can’t be wrong

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for  ThankDawgIt’sFriday, August Turd, 2012.

First off, a heaping helping of Erix Daily Horoscope gratitude to OurMizDonna who stepped up to the plate (that was a sportz reference…Erix Daily Horoscope knows sportz) yesterday and Answered Kelli back in Our absence.  If you nakedly skimmed yesterday’s e-pissode prior to OurMizDonna’s contribution, We shall wait here with bait on Our breath till you go read it now: http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2012/08/movies-were-movies-when-you-paid-dime.html  Of course, if you nakedly skimmed AFTER OurMizDonna’s contribution, then she saw you naked.  Because We have that power here.

This just in from Twitter: #InappropriateFuneralSongs:  “Highway to Hell”.

In other news, We are well aware that several of Our Nearest And Dearest are about to have a much worse day than We are about to have.  There being not a goddamn thing We can do about that, We are going to whine and complain anyway.  You’re welcome.

In still other news, when We left Our student fillum audition yesterday, We were under the impression that We had accidentally gotten the job.  Having not heard from them since, we are not so sure.  We are, however, entirely certain that We did NOT get the job for which We submitted Our pixtures.  Heigh-ho, the glamorous life!  (Who’s she callin’ “ho”?)

Also from Twitter: “Some people are so quick to judge.  I always notice this right away.”

Here’s the HorrorScope:

In honor of Martha Stewart’s birthday today, We shall be making an ottoman out of a dozen pine cones and a dead lemur.  It’s a good thing.  (It is also Tom Brady’s birthday today.  We’re not sure, but We suspect he was an offspring in one of the much-later Brady Bunch sequels.)

You need to share your vision with your people. (So you don’t see (heh) the fact that We can’t SEE these “people” as a problem?)

This could be at work, (Frayed knot.)

at home or almost anywhere else, but you can’t hold this one in.  (All together now:  FART JOKE!!!)

If you’re met with confused looks, just try to explain again.  (On the other hand, if you’re met with confused rooks, you’re either talking to a Chinaman or playing chess with stupid people.)

Keep busy in the morning, (What, you think this shit writes itself?)

but make sure to save some time this afternoon so you can daydream about your future. (Would it be too confusing to daydream about getting a present in the future?)

It might sound silly to schedule in some fantasy time, but it’s not. (Does it sound silly to schedule some Fantasy Island time?  “De plane, Boss, de plane!  Who’s on top tonight, Boss?)

(There’s just nothing like a little (heh) Hervé Villechaize joke.  Is there?  Well, IS THERE?)

 

Your imagination and creativity require maintenance, (Should We call a maintenance man?)

 

and today you will have the time you need to do it. (Honey, if We get to “do it”, We’ll MAKE the time.)

 

Think about where you want to go next in a new relationship — the future for you two will be greatly influenced by what you want it to be, so start imagining things in as much detail as possible.  (Yeah, yeah, yeah….viZZZualize.  Also, Shut. Up. Kelli.)

 

 It started out as fun and fancy-free, but suddenly, this person has turned into a huge albatross.  (We HATE when people turn into huge albatrosses.  Especially without any warning. Of course, better that than turning into a rabid lemur.  You think honey badger don’t give a shit?  Rabid lemur doesn’t give TWO shits.)

 

(That right there was a little pop culture reference.  Meanwhile,  Micro$oft Weird™ wants Us to change “shits” to “shifts”.  Micro$oft Weird™ is stupid.)

 

 The answer is simple: (Also, my friend, it is blowing in the wind.  The answer is blowing in the wind.)

 

You need a break, so take it. (Also, We need a cake, so bake it.   But don’t leave it out in the rain.  (Who would DO that?))

 

You’ll have more fun with friends right now anyway. (But you’ll have the MOST fun?  With frenulums.)

 

Relax and let it sort itself out — after all, you’re not in charge.  (Of course not.  Charles is. (Insert Scott Baio joke here.))

 

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

                            

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                    

Because We’re going to the chapel and We’re gonna get married

(OhMiGod, there is totally a Barbie™ doll ad over there!)

Greetings, Embittered Rasputin Imbibed Cyanide---


Here is your horoscope for Saturday, January 30, 2010 (Well, whatever the weather is like for today’s Floridian nuptials, We are pretty d@mn sure that it is warmer there than it is here. Jeebus! (It just occurred to Us that We have the sparkly, shiny WorldWideInterWebNetz right here at Our grubby little fingertips…We are told that it will be 72 degrees today in Tampon, with (unfortunately) a 70% chance of rain. Still, all things considered, much easier to carry an umbrella in one hand and a bouquet in the other than to carry a bouquet at all when One is wearing a muff.)):


(We would insert muff jokes here, but it is not a l3sbian wedding.)


(Dear Micro$oft Weird™, We realize that We probably confuse you in Our efforts to circumvent Our Gentle Readers’ place-of-employment SP@M filters by using spellings such as “l3sbian”. However, even though you do not recognize the word “l3sbian”, surely you can perceive that it begins with a consonant, and thus refrain from suggesting that We change “a l3sbian wedding” to “an l3sbian wedding”, which would clearly sound foolish. Unless, of course, We changed it to “Ann’s l3sbian wedding”, but then, neither of the gentlemen in question is named Ann.)


(In other news, We did Our weekly grocery shopping at Our friendly neighborhood Ack-A-Me yesterday. Spent: fifty-five dollars. Saved: eighty-eight dollars. When We asked where Our eighty-eight dollars was, the check-out person actually understood the joke. (We are pretty sure that all of the check-out persons at Our Ack-A-Me want to marry Us, Our couponic legend having spread so. (Don’t even get Us started on the one who’s a heavier version of Charles Nelson Reilly. To that wedding, We shall wear Our muff over Our head.) Of course, the bloom will be off this particular rose in six months’ time, when We have become a check-out person at Our Ack-A-Me.))


(“Couponic” is, apparently, not so much a word. Who knew?)


(Despite frequent accusations of negativity, We do so strive to be optimistic and upbeat (which, for some reason, The Universe persists in misreading as Us striving to be beat up, and promptly obliges Us in). Why, We started off this very week (despite what Our records tell Us was the onset of monsoon season) by attempting to contact three, count ‘em, three of the folks who have somewhat fallen off of Our radar (and, by “fallen off of Our radar”, We mean “stopped answering Our phone calls and emails”) and doing A Very Nice Thing for some other folks. Here it is, almost a week later, and We have yet to hear a peep. And Easter is on the way, boyz and gurrlllz, there are peeps-aplenty in the stores…WHERE ARE OUR FU(KING PEEPS?)


(Meanwhile, is Peeps Aplenty a really cool stripper name, or what?)


(We now return you to your regularly-scheduled Our-O-Scope, already in progress.)


Your love life sees an extreme boost today. (What, We’re gonna switch hands?)


Maybe you meet someone new, maybe your partner takes time off to be with you or maybe you just feel the influence much more acutely than usual. (Or maybe We’re just finally gonna blow up that doll.)


Ready to show the world what you're made of? (Is the world ready for last week’s lasagna?)


Bet you are, and they're ready to see it all. (The mind fairly boggles.)


Expect one of your new admirers (Jigga WHAT?)


to possibly even bridge the gap between friend and lover -- or to at least give it a shot. (Have you seen Us lately? They’re gonna need a couple of shots. And make sure it’s the good tequila, Mockingbird.)


If you're interested, this could be the beginning of a bee-yootiful friendship. (Yeah. We’ll do the wordplay around here, @sshat.)


If you're not, try to let them down easy. (Is it just Us, or should this horoscope totally have started out “Once upon a time…”?)


Spare their feelings and don't mention that you've got so many admirers to choose from that you can afford to be picky. (Yeah. We’ll try real hard not to mention that.)


A measure of stature is the quality of your competition. (Also, a bird in the hand is worth sh1t on your palm, and nothin’ says lovin’ like shovin’ ‘em in the oven, so push-push in the bush. (We do so love Our Old Sayings and Adages here at Eric’s Daily Horoscope. We would have written fables, but Aesop beat Us to it. On the other hand, (the one with the birdsh1t on it), who would read something called “Aesop’s Daily Horoscope”? ExACTly.))


So your potential romance has a lot of very interesting people vying for his or her attention (No doubt, if they can’t even figger out their d@mn gender.)


-- this is actually great. (So We are now gonna date Tony the Tiger? Which is either b3stiality, or We’ve become a plushie. Yeah. We’ll just be staying home and having a w@nk, if it’s all the same to you.)


It means you have to be on top of your game. (“De plane, Boss, de plane! Who’s on top tonight, Boss?”)


(Hervé Villechaize jokes just never get old, do they?)


(YOUR-O-Scopes:


http://www.humorscope.com


rich cowgrassian leather…)