(OhMiGod, there is totally a Barbie™ doll ad over there!)Greetings, Embittered Rasputin Imbibed Cyanide---
Here is your horoscope for Saturday, January 30, 2010 (Well, whatever the weather is like for today’s Floridian nuptials, We are pretty d@mn sure that it is warmer there than it is here. Jeebus! (It just occurred to Us that We have the sparkly, shiny WorldWideInterWebNetz right here at Our grubby little fingertips…We are told that it will be 72 degrees today in Tampon, with (unfortunately) a 70% chance of rain. Still, all things considered, much easier to carry an umbrella in one hand and a bouquet in the other than to carry a bouquet at all when One is wearing a muff.)):
(We would insert muff jokes here, but it is not a l3sbian wedding.)
(Dear Micro$oft Weird™, We realize that We probably confuse you in Our efforts to circumvent Our Gentle Readers’ place-of-employment SP@M filters by using spellings such as “l3sbian”. However, even though you do not recognize the word “l3sbian”, surely you can perceive that it begins with a consonant, and thus refrain from suggesting that We change “a l3sbian wedding” to “an l3sbian wedding”, which would clearly sound foolish. Unless, of course, We changed it to “Ann’s l3sbian wedding”, but then, neither of the gentlemen in question is named Ann.)
(In other news, We did Our weekly grocery shopping at Our friendly neighborhood Ack-A-Me yesterday. Spent: fifty-five dollars. Saved: eighty-eight dollars. When We asked where Our eighty-eight dollars was, the check-out person actually understood the joke. (We are pretty sure that all of the check-out persons at Our Ack-A-Me want to marry Us, Our couponic legend having spread so. (Don’t even get Us started on the one who’s a heavier version of Charles Nelson Reilly. To that wedding, We shall wear Our muff over Our head.) Of course, the bloom will be off this particular rose in six months’ time, when We have become a check-out person at Our Ack-A-Me.))
(“Couponic” is, apparently, not so much a word. Who knew?)
(Despite frequent accusations of negativity, We do so strive to be optimistic and upbeat (which, for some reason, The Universe persists in misreading as Us striving to be beat up, and promptly obliges Us in). Why, We started off this very week (despite what Our records tell Us was the onset of monsoon season) by attempting to contact three, count ‘em, three of the folks who have somewhat fallen off of Our radar (and, by “fallen off of Our radar”, We mean “stopped answering Our phone calls and emails”) and doing A Very Nice Thing for some other folks. Here it is, almost a week later, and We have yet to hear a peep. And Easter is on the way, boyz and gurrlllz, there are peeps-aplenty in the stores…WHERE ARE OUR FU(KING PEEPS?)
(Meanwhile, is Peeps Aplenty a really cool stripper name, or what?)
(We now return you to your regularly-scheduled Our-O-Scope, already in progress.)
Your love life sees an extreme boost today. (What, We’re gonna switch hands?)
Maybe you meet someone new, maybe your partner takes time off to be with you or maybe you just feel the influence much more acutely than usual. (Or maybe We’re just finally gonna blow up that doll.)
Ready to show the world what you're made of? (Is the world ready for last week’s lasagna?)
Bet you are, and they're ready to see it all. (The mind fairly boggles.)
Expect one of your new admirers (Jigga WHAT?)
to possibly even bridge the gap between friend and lover -- or to at least give it a shot. (Have you seen Us lately? They’re gonna need a couple of shots. And make sure it’s the good tequila, Mockingbird.)
If you're interested, this could be the beginning of a bee-yootiful friendship. (Yeah. We’ll do the wordplay around here, @sshat.)
If you're not, try to let them down easy. (Is it just Us, or should this horoscope totally have started out “Once upon a time…”?)
Spare their feelings and don't mention that you've got so many admirers to choose from that you can afford to be picky. (Yeah. We’ll try real hard not to mention that.)
A measure of stature is the quality of your competition. (Also, a bird in the hand is worth sh1t on your palm, and nothin’ says lovin’ like shovin’ ‘em in the oven, so push-push in the bush. (We do so love Our Old Sayings and Adages here at Eric’s Daily Horoscope. We would have written fables, but Aesop beat Us to it. On the other hand, (the one with the birdsh1t on it), who would read something called “Aesop’s Daily Horoscope”? ExACTly.))
So your potential romance has a lot of very interesting people vying for his or her attention (No doubt, if they can’t even figger out their d@mn gender.)
-- this is actually great. (So We are now gonna date Tony the Tiger? Which is either b3stiality, or We’ve become a plushie. Yeah. We’ll just be staying home and having a w@nk, if it’s all the same to you.)
It means you have to be on top of your game. (“De plane, Boss, de plane! Who’s on top tonight, Boss?”)
(Hervé Villechaize jokes just never get old, do they?)
(YOUR-O-Scopes:
http://www.humorscope.com
rich cowgrassian leather…)
No comments:
Post a Comment