Bay-Bee, it’s cold outside

Greetings, Eccentric Rapist Instigates Chastity---

Here is your horoscope for Monday, January 04, 2010 (Well, happy d@mn new year, y’all. And happy Monday. Poised though We are to go all New Millennium on yo’ @sses and enter the Blog-O-Sphere, We just couldn’t ask you to cope with one more new and different thing on this heinous back-to-the-office Monday. Particularly as We lolled about (which, We should point out, is not at all the same thing as “LOLed about”) in Our ever-so-cozy bed while all y’all slogged through the frigidity. You’re welcome.):

(We would make some effort to recap Our Christmas shenanigans at this juncture, but that would be a week and a half’s worth of updates. Why, the bizarre dreams alone would be a novella. A telenovella. Stella’s telenovella. Stella’s telenovella, with some fella’s umbrella, smell a vanilla patella, Stella.)

(You DID sing that last bit, didn’t you? If not, We’ll wait while you go back. (To the tune of “The Name Game” for the musical ‘tards amongst you…ready, set, go! (See? Isn’t your Monday just a little bit brighter already? You’re welcome…AGAIN. (And what have YOU done for US lately?))))

(Those of you who are unwilling or unable to accept the bastardized pronunciation of “vanilla” as “vanella” can just go back and rewrite the whole thing for Us, starring Magilla Gorilla. Also, you can kiss Our grits. Which have been conveniently shoved up Our @ss. (Hey, it’s a new year, and We have turned over a new leaf. Unfortunately for you, it was poison ivy.))

(Also, We know you are waiting with bated breath (and, parenthetically (hence (say it with Us) the parentheses), We are aware that long-time Eric’s Daily Horoscope readers have certainly assimilated the correctness of “bated breath” versus the incorrectivity of (and, indeed, disgustingancigation of) “baited breath”. Indeed, We are WELL aware, as We recall just how very long a time We had to wait for you to master “bated breath”.)…

(We’re gonna pause right in mid-parenthetical for a rousing SEE WHAT WE DID THERE?)

…for Our promised revitalization (there were no parentheses at the beginning because it was a continuation of the preceding parenthetical. Try to keep up. Jeebus!) of Our archival versions. Soon, Glasshoppah, velly soon. But if you’d like to whet your appetite (or wet your whistle, or whittle your…well, never mind), go here: http://www.lulu.com/epsingel .)

(And now, like sands through the hourglass, (or, alternatively, like sh1t through a goose), these are the Dayz of Our Livez…)

Your work, health and daily routines are highlighted by the Moon today. (Well, when the Moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, what the h3ll does that even MEAN?)

Take a moment to consider how fulfilled you are from one day to the next. (Mmm-hmm. NOT a good idea. One moment, We’re “taking a moment to consider”; next thing ya know, We’re “heading to the belltower with an Uzi”.)

Are you getting enough time to eat well (Oh, please…have you SEEN Our @ssz lately? (Well, clearly it’s impossible to see it all at the same time. We now have a tattoo on it that says “To be continued”. We had hired a midget to follow Us about with a wheelbarrow, but We forgot Ourself and sat down. Fortunately, the midget was able to get out, but he left the wheelbarrow up there. (We’re a little pressed for time…if We just tell you that there’s supposed to be a “valet parking” joke here, can you fill it in your own selves? KThxBye.)))

and rest deeply? (Well, not as deep as the wheelbarrow.)

(Heh. We kill Us.)

Does your current schedule give you space to enjoy quality time with those you love? (Clearly, “quality time” is a euphemism. You decide for what.)

Efficiency is the name of the game today (No. No, it isn’t. As We have clearly already established, the name of the game today is either “Stella” or “Magilla Gorilla”, depending on how you choose to pronounce “vanilla”. Try to pay some g0dd@mn attention.)

so if you need time or space to rework a more practical routine, take it. (Somehow, that makes Us think of baton twirling. There’re two brain cells We’ll never get back.)

Colleagues are more supportive of your shifting priorities than you realize. (Well, maybe, but We sure did p1ss off the midget.)

(Heh.)

(YOUR-O-Scopes.)

Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You will become unwittingly embroiled in a turf war between rival Chinese restaurants, today, as you step off the sidewalk to avoid a person wearing an extremely large hat. Before the day is over, you'll find yourself angrily hurling potstickers at people you've never met.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
In the grocery store, you will see quite a few people with infants in their shopping carts. Try though you might, however, you will not be able to find the bin with the children. Perhaps they're sold out? Important Safety Tip: do not stop one of the women with an infant and ask her to show you where her baby came from.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Itchy nose day, again. Just be glad you don't have to wear a spacesuit!

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
A new love affair will have you all misty-eyed. Either that, or it's the onset of glaucoma, in which case you should seek immediate medical attention.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)
In an unfortunate turn of events, someone sitting across from you will have a peculiar variant of a bad hair day...a bad nosehair day.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You are being watched by a large penguin. Act normal.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)
Tomorrow when you wake up, you'll make an unpleasant discovery. Sometime during the night, you'll have been visited by the nostril hair fairy.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Strange things continue to happen. Today you will put on a long-sleeved shirt, only to discover that the sleeves now extend past your fingertips. You didn't say anything inappropriate to an elderly British gentleman with strange green eyes, recently? Let's hope not.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Excellent day for a bubble bath. If you don't have a little yellow rubber ducky, you'll need to get that first, of course.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Avoid alternative music, today. Also, try to find what's making that nasty smell in the fridge, before it gets worse.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
While cracking your knuckles today, you will be a bit startled to hear a "ping" sound rather than a "pop". That's a bad habit, anyway.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
You've about had it with one particular fool in your life. Have you considered investing in a tranquilizer gun? Mine comes in very handy, especially at work.
cowgrass...just do me

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