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Monday, November 29, 2010

There’s got to be a morning after…

Greetings, Everyone Relishes Icelandic Cuisine---

Here is your horoscope for Monday, November 29, 2010 (We trust that you have stuffed all your stuffing, pumped all your pumpkin pie, and masticated all the turkeys you’ve desired to keep you happy for another year.  (“Masticated all the turkeys you’ve desired” is, of course, a euphemism, but We’re not telling you for what.  (All y’all who had to run to your Funk & Wagnalls to look up “masticated” should probably be making a new year’s resolution to read more.  Cereal boxes, USA Today, and the Twilight series don’t count.))  We Our Own Selves personally have moved on to the next big holiday in the cavalcade.  No, We’re not talking about clutching Our pearls for Pearl Harbor Day (but extra credit for you if you thought of that before We did).  We are referring, of course, to Christmas, for which We have already trimmed Our tree, mailed Our cards, bought and wrapped most of Our gifts, and intercoursed Our penguin.  (We put that last bit in there just to see if you were paying attention.  Also because We were stuck on how dirty “trimmed Our tree” sounded.) You are all, no doubt, peeing green with envy, but, if you pause and reflect, you will realize that this is much better than being peregrine with ennui.):

(“Masticated”, “cavalcade”, “peregrine”, “ennui”…it won’t be long before high school students start being required to read Erix Daily Horoscope in order to prepare for their SATs.   Dibs on the boys’ swim team.  (Did he actually SAY that? (Oh, unclutch your pearls, Lavinia, those high school boys could probably teach Us a thing or two.))

(Meanwhile, if One can clutch, Micro$oft Weird™, why can One not unclutch?  Also, who the h3ll is Lavinia?)


Look up the word 'glib' in the dictionary, and don't be surprised to see your picture there. (Alternatively, if you look up the word ‘gullible’ in the dictionary, it’s not there.  (Heh.  That boys’ swim team will believe ANYTHING.))

Yes, your verbal skills will definitely be the stuff that legends are made of. (Surely We don’t need to point out to you that “verbal skills” and “oral skills” are two different things?  (This would be the juncture at which you reply, “No, and don’t call me Shirley.”  (You have heard that Leslie Nielsen died, haven’t you?  Leslie Nielsen was, of course, the captain of the SS Poseidon.  Which will make for a very sad New Years around these particular parts.)))

Now get busy making yourself a legend for other reasons. (Well, We’re gonna need a mink coat first.)

(See, you may THINK We are dating Ourselves (well, SOMEONE has to) with that joke, but We heard recently that they are bringing that ad campaign back, so, actually, We are on the cutting edge of pop culture, and nanny-nanny-poo-poo.)

(A rustle of Speedos™ as the boys’ swim team scurries off to look up “nanny-nanny-poo-poo”.  Which most likely will NOT appear on the SATs.  (Also, Speedos™ don’t so much rustle, but whatevs. (“Whatevs” will also most likely not appear on the SATs.)))

Any good reason will do. (If We shave it, you’ll swim faster.)

(This would be an excellent place for a joke involving Jeff Stryker, a submarine, and a periscope.  Unfortunately, We don’t know such a joke.  We are always grateful, however, for audience participation. (Those of you who are still mentally shaving the boy’s swim team should get a hobby.  (Or a hobby horse.  (Heh.  We kill Us.))))

Your ordinarily astounding memory has suddenly failed you. (That happened once before, but We forgot about it.)

All you can remember now is how great things were -- In The Old Days. (Mister, We could use a man like Herbert Hoover again.)

Stop that. (Hey, We’ve got pop culture up the @ssz around here.  Poop culture, that’s We.)

It's time to move on.  (Up, to the East Side, to a dee-luxe apartment in the sky-hi-hi.)

Admit your errors. (We thought We were wrong once, but We were mistaken.)

Smile, nod and shrug your shoulders -- a lot. (Then oil up the boys’ swim team and do the Hokey-Pokey. (Ooops…was that the outside voice?))

Then go back to your room, lock yourself in a closet (Have you met Us?)

and have a tantrum, (And a Pamprin™.  Also, an egg roll, Mister Goldstone.)

with no expletives deleted. (@#@%@#$^%@.)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes: )

Monday, November 22, 2010

Mocha chocolatta ya ya, Creole Lady Marmalade

Greetings, Eggplantine Remoulade Invigorates Cornbread---

(Okay, We may have coined “eggplantine” as a stretch based on the existence of aubergine Ovaltine™.   But “remoulade” is so too a word, Micro$oft Weird™.  You don’t get out much, do ya?  (Micro$oft Weird™ is now telling Us that neither “aubergine” nor “Ovaltine™” is a word.  Right after We finish up this Erix Daily Horoscope, We’re gonna kick Micro$oft Weird™’ s @ss at Scrabble™.))

Here is your horoscope for Monday, November 22, 2010 (Happy Kennedy Assassination Day to all you assassins out there. (Didja notice there were four asses in that sentence?  (Four asses are, of course, what you see if you look at Mount Rushmore from the back. (Vacation time shares in Our mind are still available for this holiday season.  The skiing is supposed to be great this year.))));

(But enough about politics, and politicians’ assasses.  ‘Tis the season to run around like a chicken who won’t give head. (Not only is Micro$oft Weird™ pooh-poohing “assasses”  (heh…see what We did there?), it is also looking askance at “’Tis”. And, as We all know, One can’t have a holiday season without “’Tis”.  If We can’t say “’Tis the season”, then ‘twon’t be. (A note to the “taking Christ out of Christmas” wingnuts:  we say “holiday season” because it is a season of holidays, only ONE of which is Christmas.  It starts with Thanksgiving, and includes Black Friday, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Christmas, Boxing Day, New Year’s Eve, New Year’s Day, the Feast of Epiphany and Sucretia, and Mary Todd Lincoln’s birthday (seriously…look it up).  You will note that only ONE of those holidays is Christmas, and most of them haven’t got a blessed (heh) thing to do with Christmas.  (Although We did once hear a story about Mary Todd Lincoln getting laid in a manger, but that’s neither here nor Nair™.)  So if We wish you “happy holidays”, We are wishing for you to be happy from November 25th through about the middle of January.  Whereas if We only wish you “merry Christmas”, We are wishing for you to be merry (whatever the h3ll that is) for twenty-four hours in December.   Pretty d@mn stingy, especially when wishing doesn’t cost anything.)))

(Whew!  The way We’re going on in here this morning, you would think We DIDN’T have a list of things to do that’s as long as John Dillinger’s d1ck.  (Quite a bit of history going on in here today, no?  Of course, those who don’t remember history are doomed to teepee tits.  (In addition to being a play on words, that’s a viZZZual joke.  So we’ll pause here for a mo-mo while you viZZZualize.  Go!)))


(Micro$oft Weird™ accepted “mo-mo” without batting an eye. (To be fair, it may have been distracted by the viZZZualization of teepee tits.)  Turns out, a mo-mo is a Tibetan dumpling.  Which isn’t what We intended at all, but which sound yummy nonetheless. (“Nonetheless” is, of course, a word One uses to express the fact that One would always be happier if there were (subjunctively) one less nun.))


If you’ve been thinking about getting a new phone (What?  And give up Our rotary cell phone that still takes nickels and whose number is BUtterfield-8? (Yes, that IS a leftover joke.  But We’ve been keeping it in a green bag in the crisper, so it hasn’t started to stink yet.))

 or diving into some new pool of techno-geekery, (Yes, indeedy-doo, a pool of techno-geekery.  We are not particularly well-versed in the cultural phenomenon that is Harry Potter, but We are pretty sure “pool of techno-geekery” was coined for the fifth book in the series, Harry Potter and the Vibrating Anal Beads.)

(Daniel Radcliffe just shivered and got all damp in his panties. (What?  You didn’t know that Daniel Radcliffe was an Erix Daily Horoscope reader?  Honey, We are HUGE in Great Britain.  They’re still chortling over “teepee tits”.))

today is the perfect day to go for it. (Oh, please.  We have so many places to go today, We don’t know whether We’re Alan Cumming or Joanna Going. Seriously.  But We suspect We’d better decide before We get dressed.)

You’re totally in touch with your inner cyborg!  (Dunno ‘bout DAT, but, if you’ve seen Our @ss lately, you know We’re in touch with Our inner smorgasbord.)

Unpredictability is the name of the game now. (Well, it’s a good thing you told Us, ‘cause now We’ll be ready for it.  Oh, and, by the way, after We finish all of Our errands, We’re planning to be spontaneous.  From about 6:30 till 7:45.)

Fortunately, that’s a condition you adore. (Well, We have a kabillion errands to run, and it’s NOT pouring down rain.  We’ll take what We can get, but We’re not sure We’d go all the way to “adore”.)

Does this mean you’ll be inspired to be even more impulsive, eager and enthusiastic than usual? (Don’t hold your breast.)

It certainly does — and that could make it tough for you to concentrate, (Sorry…what?)

and even tougher for you to sit still long enough to finish up any of the projects you’ve got going.  (Fortunately, all of today’s projects are pretty much one-step.  Granted, with a lot of steps in between them, but still.)

Once it’s set down on paper, (We have a To-Do List, on which one of the Things To Do is “look at other list”.  Our world, and welcome to it.)

you should have no trouble moving forward.  (Taxi!!!)

(Anybody else look over at the index and realize that this is not the first Erix Daily Horoscope to mention Mary Todd Lincoln?  Just Us?  Alrighty then…)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes: )

Friday, November 19, 2010

Nothing you can say can stop me going home

Greetings, Echinoderms Reveal Insectuous Connection---

(Yes, We said “insectuous”, Micro$oft Weird™.  Put on your high heels and get over yourself.  We blinded you with science.)

Here is your horoscope for Friday, November 19, 2010 (Happy Friday to all you denizens of the working world.  (Does the working world have denizens, or is that just the underworld?  (Is there a working underworld?  And who exactly are they working under? (Linguisticisms are complexicated.  Fortunately, We are cunning, linguistically.  Our tongues, let Us show you how We speak in them.)))):

(We have precious little to report.  We shall attempt to disguise that fact with luscious prattle.  It may be a specious battle, but We are in facetious fettle, eating delicious Skittles™ while listening to sumptuous heavy metal.)

(How are We doing so far?  Alrighty, then; moving on…)


A little extra patience can pay off in a big way today, (See also:  Aries, Definition Of.  Patience?  Not so much.)

so make sure that you’re letting others see your quieter, more tolerant side. (Jigga what? (We were going to put a Monty Python joke here.  But then We realized We were conflating Monty Python’s “I’d like a license for my pet fish, Eric” sketch with their “dead parrot” sketch, and suddenly Our joke just wasn’t funny anymore.  Sigh.))

It’s a really good day for you to let others take the lead.  (Oh, fine.  Let ‘em have the d@mn lead, then.  Also the zinc, the cadmium, and the molybdenum.  But tell ‘em to keep their greedy hands off the fu(king tungsten.)

(That was a little “heavy metal” joke.  (Very little.)  Kiss Us quick, We’re My Chemical Romance.)

You’ve got a lot of living to do (Bye-bye, Birdie.)

and you may have been going a little overboard lately (Mostly, however, We’re just board.)

— but knowing impulsive you, (Impulse me, my sweet impulsable you…)

(It’s just a riotous musical smorgasbord in here this morning, innit?)

it’s probably surprising (SURPRISE!!!)

that you haven’t gone further than you have! (Don’t tempt Us.)

It’s time now to sit down and look things over, though, with an eye toward creating — and sticking to — a nice, stable budget. (We ain’t got a d@mn JAWB, We are pretty sure We can’t afford a stable.  Fu(k you, and the wh0re you rode in on.)

Now stop giggling. (“Giggling”?  “GIGGLING”?!?  We assure you, (thereby making an ass of you and Uri Geller) that We are far too serious to giggle. Oh, sure, We may chortle or guffaw.  We may even titter from time to time. But giggle?  No sir.)

(Heh.  “Titter”.  Funnier than “butter”, almost as funny as “dicker”, all according to Cocker.)

You can do it. (Obviously.  We’ve been doing quite a lot of it this morning.)

(You DID notice that We’d slipped into a British accent a few paragraphs back, didn’t you?)

Besides, aren’t you trying to save up for a vacation?  (Actually, We’re saving up for a winning PowerBall™ ticket.)

You’ve got lots of friends (And still, We have to pay for Our own d@mn therapist.)

— you can’t be the only single one among them! (And yet, We never have a date.  Go figger.)

Get down to the basics and start networking in earnest. (We’re not a hundred percent sure, but We suspect that might be a little disconcerting for poor Earnest.)

Even if you don’t find your soulmate, (How telling is it that Micro$oft Weird™ doesn’t think “soulmate” is a word?)

you can find like-minded pals for a new P.O.V.  (Also, We could put Our IUD in the VCR.  LOL.)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes: )

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Fat as I am, who wants to see a diva fat as I am?

Greetings, Exchequer Reimburses Itinerant Chimneysweep---

Here is your horoscope for Wednesday, November 17, 2010 (Happy D@mn Humpty Dumpty Day!  (Hey, if We can’t get humped, We’re gonna start pushing people off of walls. (If you want to make an omelet, you’ve got to break some legs. (Four parentheses in, and We already have no idea what the fu(k We’re talking about.)))):

(You would have been so proud of Us yesterday.  Despite the weather in Clement (wherever the h3ll THAT is), We were a veritable whirlwind of outdoor activity and errand running.  We got to cross so many picayune little items off of Our list that We were forced to write “make a new list” at the bottom.  Upon which We promptly made a new list, and then crossed off “make a new list”.  Oh, the sense of accomplishment!  (Although it now occurs to Us that We failed to put “cross off ‘make a new list’” on the new list, and consequently missed out on that particular accomplishment.  Oh, well.  Just one more star on Our crown in Heaven.))

(Speaking of Heaven…Jeebus loves the little children/‘Specially in a tuna casserole./Baked or broiled; breaded, fried/With some coleslaw on the side/Jeebus loves the little children of the world…(that was a little religious song, to set the tone for the rest of this paragraph)…you will all no doubt be ecstatic to learn that Our Jeebus video has over 1000 hits.  Four months after We posted it.  To put that in perspective for you, here’s MC Escher.  (Just kidding…MC Escher’s been dead since 1972.) .  To put that in perspective for you,  the lovely and talented Willam Belli’s Vagina Song video, which was posted three weeks ago, is closing in on 200,000 hits.  Of course, he is a celebrity, a star of stage and screen, and a h3ll of a lot more lovely and talented than We are (and did We mention lovely?).  Also, he shaved his legs for HIS video.)

(And here, for your Humpty Dumpty Day amusement, are both videos.  Have a great Fall!)

(And, with no fanfare or hoopla (“hoopla”?) whatsoever, We just made WorldWideInterWebNetzian history by creating the first paragraph in the history of written history to contain Willam Belli, MC Escher, and Jesus.  And YOU were THERE.)

(If Micro$oft Weird™ didn’t tell Us that We had spelled “Willam” wrong, We would never be sure We had spelled it right.)

(How many of all y’all haven’t even recovered from “To put that in perspective for you, here’s MC Escher” yet?   We’ll wait.)

(Just kidding.  Erix Daily Horoscope waits for nomads.)


You need to step up and show them how it’s done today (See, We always heard that phrase as “step up to the plate”.  Unfortunately, We never realized it was a sports saying.  Which explains he current size of Our @ssz.)

— your energy makes you unstoppable. (That’s gas.)

If you’re first in line, (The only thing We’ve ever been first in line for was to be last in line.)

everyone else should be able to keep cool while you take care of business.  (Alternatively, “everyone else” can go fu(k themselves.)

 It’s time to relax (That’s what Frankie says.)

and have some fun (Frankie says that too.)

— not alone, (But he doesn’t say that.)

(For you youngsters in the house, that was a little 80s pop culture reference.  Go Google it on Wikipedia.)

but not in a crowd of thousands, either. (Judging from the lack of success of Our Jeebus video, We’d be lucky to muster a crowd of tens.)

You want to have some fun, but you probably also want to spend your time with just one quality person. (Okay.  If, by “quality”, you mean “nekkid”.  (Hey, you have YOUR definition of quality, We have Ours.))

Someone you’ve been dying to spend your time with. (An undertaker?)

(ThankYouVeryMuch, We’llBeHereAllWeek, Don’tForgetToTipYourWaitress, and TryTheVeal.)

(Just as We typed that last bit, it occurred to Us that there are probably now enough Erix Daily Horoscopes out there that a computer could be programmed to write this every day.  And that made Us sad.  (Not sad that We would be replaced by a machine, but sad that other computers would probably still be the only ones reading it.))

So instead of dragging yourself out (Hey, We aint’ shaving OUR legs unless somebody’s putting US in a music video.)

and pretending to have a good time if you’re not really in the mood, (How ‘bout pretending to have good mood if you’re not really in the mime?)

(Is “mimefucker” a word?  (Here’s hint:  Micro$oft Weird™ says no.))

 snuggle up, kick back (Wait…are you in some way implying that We should only kick them if they kick Us first?!?)

and enjoy a quiet evening — a party of two. (Well, that’s two more than We have right now.)

 Your ability to navigate conversations is a great asset today (Was that a fat joke?)

(Joanne Worley called…she wants her shtick back.)

as you chat with someone sweet. (Or cheat with someone sweaty.  One of those.)

You can tell that they want to dig deeper, (Dapper double-dipper digs deeper in the diaper.)

(What do We want?  NONsense!  When do We want it?  NOUN!)

so ask some leading questions (Wanna see Us suck a golf ball through a garden hose?)

and let them do the rest. (In Bucharest.)       


(Your YOUR-O-Scopes: )

Monday, November 15, 2010

So sweet and soft and gentle, my favorite Oriental

Greetings, Elderly Roué Ingests Cialis™---

(No, We did NOT mean “Calais”.  Get with the program, Micro$oft Weird™.)

Here is your horoscope for Monday, November 15, 2010 (Happy belated birthday to OurShaun, who turned twenty-four yesterday.  And happy birthday to Becky, who turns twenty-four today.  And happy birthday in advance in case We are not here tomorrow to Our brother-in-law, Teddy-Jay, who turns twenty-four tomorrow.  (That’s seventy-two, between all y’all.)):

(Here is a little tip for any of y’all who may be users of online dating services:  if the best profile picture you can come up with depicts (presumably) you, clad from head to toe in camouflage, with a black ski mask obscuring your entire face as you crouch behind several oil barrels while pointing a semi-automatic weapon off into the distance?  We are not going to date you.  No matter how much you beg.  KThxBye.)

(Meanwhile, if you’ve studied today’s Erix Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Moo Goo Gai Pan Egg Foo Yung Cream Of Sum Yung Gai Wang Hung Lo No Tickee No Washee carefully, you have probably discovered what We will be giving everyone for Christmas.  Sorry to have spoiled THAT surprise.)


You're right (Thus endeth today’s horoscope.)

where you want to be, and it's no accident. (Why, oh, why, oh, why did you feel compelled to keep talking?)

So if your first impulse is to thank others, (Actually, Our first impulse is to shank others, but shhhh…it’s a surprise.)

or write the whole thing off to blind luck, (Hey, it’s a new week.  Let’s try something different…let’s see what happens if We write the whole thing off to Peking duck.)

(We have always felt that, in keeping with Our usage of The Royal (Capitalized) We, “let’s” should be written as “let’S”, being as it is short, of course, for “lettuce”.  Unfortunately, We are too often thwarted by the evils of autocorrection, so We have had to abandon this particular affectation. (Just a little insight into the difficulties of being Us.))

(We cannot even express Our consternation over the fact that Micro$oft Weird™ doesn’t recognize  “autocorrection”.)

resist it. (Sister.)

Consciously or not, (ZZZZzzzzz….sorry; what?)

you made this happen, (Also, you made me love you…I didn’t wanna do it, I didn’t wanna do it.  (Oddly, if One changes that to The Royal We (to wit, “you made Us love you…We didn’t wanna do it, We didn’t wanna do it…”), it sounds less like The Royal We and more like Siamese twins.  (All y’all who are now pixturing Siamese twin porn, go wash your minds out with soap.))
so give yourself a little treat (Honey, if We could give Our Own Self “a little treat”, We’d never leave the house. (Although, if Our only option is dating Magilla Guerilla, We may just stay home anyway.))

-- a day at the spa, maybe?  (We’re working on an “herbal wrap” joke to go here.  We’ll let you know when it’s funny.)

Going overboard won't help your present situation. (And yet, “underboard” doesn’t seem to be a word.  Is puzzlement.)

In other words, (Zither.  Magnanimous.  Polystyrene.  Glum.)

(Heh.  See what We did there?  (Or are you still stuck on “resist it, sister” and “Magilla Guerilla”?  (And now, Remedial Erix Daily Horoscope… with fifty-seven percent more pixtures!)))

 if you're being tugged in several directions, remember that cloning hasn't been perfected yet. (Oh, please.  We’re lucky if We can sort out clothing.)

Pick someone to focus on.   (Alternatively, poke someone with ficus on.)

 Tapping, twitching and fiddling won't help. (Crapping, bitching, and diddling, on the other hand, sound like the perfect way to spend the afternoon.)

You know why you're antsy, and there's only one remedy for it. (Yes, but you’re not going to trick Us into setting Our pubes on fire AGAIN.  Fool Us once…)

Get the deed done.  (Scr3w that….get the will read.)

What you'll really be in the mood for is your couch, your bathrobe and your favorite movie in the DVD player. (We just realized We have yet to name a celebrity in here today.  Heather Locklear.  Millard Fillmore.  Percy Faith.)

Don't give in to that urge until tonight.  (Don’t tell Us what to do.  Bitch.)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes: )

Thursday, November 11, 2010

One tin soldier rides away

Greetings, Eventful Reinvention Implements Content----

Here is your horoscope for Thursday, November 11, 2010 (Happy Veterans Day.  In honor of the holiday, which is very irritatingly occurring in the middle of the week and preventing Our trash from being collected, We bring you an Erix Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus C’est La Guerre Mon Frere Derrière Camembert Au Pair Frigidaire of a soldier who has clearly not read the fine print of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.   Also, happy birthday to OurCathy, who turns twenty-four today.  Presumably NOT in a red tutu, although One can never be sure.) :

(Micro$oft Weird™ would like Us to know that the sentence beginning “In honor of the holiday…” in the preceding paragraph is long, and that We should consider revising it. Hey, War and Peace is long, but We’ll bet Micro$oft Weird™ wasn’t all up Tolstoy’s @ss about revising it.  Shut up, Mcro$oft Weird™.)

(Y’all are thinking about Tolstoy’s @ss now, aren’t you?  Y’all are perverts.)


To say that your personal magnetism is running on high would be unfair, and not entirely accurate. (Indeed.  If, by “not entirely accurate”, you mean “blatantly false”.)

The truth is, you're far more powerful than a magnet (We’re pretty sure that’s supposed to be “more powerful than a locomotive”.  Also, faster than a speeding bullet, and able to leap tall buildings in a single ballgown.  (Hey, you have YOUR superpowers, We’ll have Ours.))

because you won't repel anyone, (Not even a leper.)

(Does ANYBODY see what We did there?)

no matter which direction you turn toward. (Is it just Us, or is this really dull today?)

Keep that in mind before you casually begin flirting.  (Or farting.  Just sayin’.)

It's all good -- life, love and the fire burning brightly between you and your current squeeze. (Our only squeeze is a toothpaste tube.  Sigh.)

This is cause for celebration. (Hey, We’ll celebrate the opening of an envelope.  (Speaking of which, it occurs to Us that, if your birthday is on Veterans Day, you don’t get any birthday cards in the mail.  Sigh.))

A little hide-and-seek under the covers, maybe?  (Sigh.  Clearly, this is ten of the dullest horoscopes ever.)


Tough as it may be to resist, don't try to force anyone to do your bidding. (We wouldn’t even know where to begin.)

 Even if they buckle in to your demands, you won't feel good about it.  (On the other hand, Our demands will be buckled to, and Our bidding will be done.  How bad could We feel?)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes: )

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Down by the waterhole, drunk every Friday; eating their nuts, saving their raisins for Sunday.

Greetings, Easy Recipe Includes Campbell’s™----

(Surely you didn’t think you were going to go forever without the pixture of Charles Nelson Reilly that We mentioned yesterday?  There is only so much WorldWideInterWebnetz, after all.  Some days it’s half-naked Superman, some days it’s Charles Nelson Reilly.  Deal and cope.)

(Meanwhile, Our eyes chanced this morning to wander (hey, if you were (subjunctively) stuck with Us all day, you’d wander too) over to the right there, to the index of Famous Personages Fortunate Enough To Have Been Mentioned In Erix Daily Horoscope. It occurred to Us that, if We were the type of wingnut…er, person who fancies conspiracy theories and sees the Virgin Mary in his Froot Loops™, We might find enormous significance in the fact that Ayn Rand appears immediately before Barack Obama. (We’ll pause here while all of Our conspiracy theorist readers go “Oooooh!” and “Aaaaahhhh!” and “Look, the Virgin Mary!”)  Oddly, the significance immediately diminishes to nil when We rephrase it as “Ayn Rand appears immediately after Ashton Kutcher” or “Barack Obama appears immediately before Barbara Bain”.)

Here is your horoscope for Wednesday, November 10, 2010 (Happy birthday to MizLOretta, who turns twenty-four today.  (We Are in, for those who are unaware, the Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopular) sign of Scorpio.  Eating Cheerios with Fabio, while listening to the radio on the patio.  (We have no idea what just happened there.  Moving on…))  And Happy Hump Day to the rest of all y’all humpsters-in-the-dumpsters.):

(Did anyone else hear that last bit to the tune of “Bungle in the Jungle”?  Just Us?  Alrighty then…)


You’re trying to deal with how other people see you today (Hey, if We can’t see them, they can’t see Us. Nanny-nanny-poo-poo.)

— though it’s not really as bad as all that. (But is it as bad as Balzac? (Dear lord, are We cultured and refined, or what?  (Don’t say it.)  Balzac, for the love of all that’s holy.  Why, We’re downright litter airy.  Of course, you just KNOW We’re about to fu(k it all up with a ballsac joke.))

(Micro$oft Weird™ doesn’t approve of “ballsac”, with or without a K on the end.  Like your scrotum, here it is in a nutshell.)

(NOW Micro$oft Weird™ wants Us to change “in a nutshell” to “briefly” or “concisely”.  Micro$oft Weird™ has no fu(king sense of humor.)

 Make sure that they’re getting the right info, (And the wrong tofu.  (Isn’t that a Cole Porter song?  “The Right Info and the Wrong Tofu”… We are thinking it’s from Can-Can.))

which could just mean the info you need them to hear.  (Oh, please. Who listens to Us?)

Life can be just a jumble of squiggly-shaped jigsaw pieces, making no sense whatsoever (Much like this sentence.)

— until that one piece falls into your lap (Urethra!)

and suddenly the full picture is clear. (That generally happens when you get a piece in your lap.)

Today you’ll get that piece, (From your lips to God’s iPhone.)

and a mystery that has long been plaguing you will be solved. (Kiss Us quick, We’re Edwin Drood.)

The solution may be a bit of a disappointment (At least seven percent.)

(We’re just gonna keep making litter airy references until your d@mn heads explode.  Deal with it.)

— the truth is usually a lot less dramatic than you imagine. (It is, however, out there.)

Shopping or errand-running will connect you with an outgoing person who entertains you and makes you smile. (You’ve got spunk.  I hate spunk.)

 Trying too hard gets you nowhere when it comes to love, especially today. (And yet, you promised Us a piece in Our lap.)

Meet everyone with an open heart and high spirits, and experience them as they are, not as what you want from them. (Wow.  That’s heavy.  We’ll have what she’s smoking.)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes: )

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

I’m a little bit country, and I’m a little bit rock’n’roll (and I’m schizophrenic and so am I)


Greetings, Eating Reindeer Impairs Christmas---

(First and Formosa, We will have you know that, in choosing today’s Erix Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Claire De Lune Saskatoon Lorna Doone, We were deciding between the pixture you see before you and a pixture of Charles Nelson Reilly on The Match Game. You’re welcome.)

(Salmagundi, it occurs to Us that, in listing Our jawb qualifications yesterday, We omitted Our excellence at Talking On The Telephone.  Yes indeed, ladies and genitals, when Our phone deigns to inform Us that there are people with whom to speak, We are quite capable of speaking to them.  At length.  We shall have to update Our resume…whatever have We done with that stone tablet?)

(Thelma Ritter, We…well, We don’t actually have a third thing, but We felt We were on a roll.  Unfortunately, it was a Kaiser roll, and We wound up applying it directly to Our ever-expanding @ssz.    But, in the interests of fair play, here, courtesy of OurBlair, is a list of twenty allegedly actual country songs.  (We Our Own Self Personally once put the “(unt” in “country”, but that’s a wh0re of another color.):

1. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
2. How Can I Miss You, If You Won't Go Away?
3. Get Your Biscuits In The Oven, And Your Buns In Bed
4. I Keep Forgetten I Forgot About You
5. I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself, Or Go Bowling
6. She Got The Ring and I Got The Finger
7. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
8. I Just Bought a Car From a Guy That Stole My Girl, but The Car Don't Run; so I figure we Got An Even Deal
9. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth, Cause I m Kissing You Good-bye
10. I Liked You Better, Before I Knew You So Well
11. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin Better
12. I Wouldn't Take Her To a Dog Fight, Cause I m Afraid She'd Win
13. I ll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight
14. I m So Miserable Without You, It s Like Having You Here
15. Please Bypass this Heart
16. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now
17. Mama Get a Hammer, There’s a Fly On Papa's Head
18. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love Jesus
19. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, and I Sure Do Miss Him

…hmmm, apparently there are only nineteen.  Our Own Personal favorite is Number 18. Which, now that We’ve Googled it on Wikipedia, appears to be a Jimmy Buffett song.  Ya learn something nude every day. (We are wearing a bathrobe, in case you were accidentally pixturing Us learning that nude.))

Here is your horoscope for Tuesday, November 09, 2010 (How very vividly We recall from Our days of slaving and toiling in the salt mines of the working world that nothing, but NOTHING any good ever came of a Tuesday.  And somehow, We are sure that today will be no different.):


You're far too busy right now to pay attention to such trivial issues as your home or your career. (Well, DUH.  The phone’s not gonna talk on ITSELF.)

Problem is, each (See, if that sentence had started out “Problem is, how do you…” then “blemish” would be a hidden word.  (This is the sort of thing We think of.  Did We mention that We were good at puzzles?  That’s another jawb qualification.  Oh, Our Madd Skillz Setsz…how We loves them!))

of these areas of your life may have several persuasive representatives on board to lobby you in their direction. (That sounds a lot like politics.  You can tell, because it’s boring.)

Whew!  (She ejaculated.)

Better double up on those vitamins.  (Okay.  Hang on a mo’ while We put some AA batteries in our BB gun and shoot you in the double-DDs before We have to explain what FF stands for.)

(Heh.  Are We ten of the funniest people you know, or what?)

(WHO said, “or what”?)

Just when you thought it was safe to come out, (Kiss Us quick, We’re Charles Nelson Reilly.)

friends are starting to take bids on how long you'll be able to manage the balancing act you've been juggling.  (Okay, that there? Is a whole lotta coordination that We ain’t got.)

Is it truly impossible to serve two masters? (Oh, please.  We can’t even have plain ol’ vanilla s3x, and you’re gonna start in with this S&M cr@p?  Feathers or leather, it’s all just drag.)

Maybe not -- but it will become eminently clear to you now that it's certainly not easy to pull off. 
(Hah.  We can pull off all by Our Own Self.  Easy as pie.  (Cream pie.  (Heh.  We kill Us.)))

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes: )