A Waterpik™, a Cuisinart™, and a hypo-allergenic dog

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for WinesDay, June 11^st  , 2014.

Happy Birthday to Bill, who turns twenty-four today somewhere in the country.  (Also, somewhere in THIS country.  THE country being IN this country, as it is.  Which must be confusing to tourists. (And which begs the question, We being We, as to what they call country music in other countries.  Especially other countries which have country music of their own. As, presumably, many of them do.  (Unless they’re a little country, like, say, Monaco.)))

They can’t very well call it “American music”, because so is John Phillip Sousa.  And Stephen Sondheim. And Marilyn Manson.  And, seriously, if you mix up Tammy Wynette and Marilyn Manson, you’ve got worse problems than Engrish being your Second Language.

Okay, We’re bored of that…moving on… (aren’t you proud of Us for never saying “We put the ‘cunt’ in ‘country’” in the course of that discussion?  Yeah, Us too.)

So anyway, ordinarily, e-pissodes of Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! are stand-alone.  But today, due to some seriously developing themes and subplots, We are going to recommend that you go and read yesterday’s e-pissode first (if you haven’t already).  You will find it here:  http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2014/06/hey-sugar-daddy-hansel-needs-some-sugar.html , and, in case you need extra encouragement, there are candy penises (penii?).

Okay, so you’re either back or you never left.  So We were waiting for a gentlemanly call from a gentleman caller to escort Us to An Event.  In a development that will surprise no one, no one called, gentlemanlyly or otherwise.

However.

We are Woman, hear Us whore; Our ass is too big to ignore.

(What the hell ever happened to Helen Reddy, anyway?)

We put on Our big gurrrlll panties and went to The Event by Our Own Self.  

The Event was a fillum festival.  Because We know people who make fillums, and whose fillums wind up in festivals.  Because Our life is glamorous like that.

Clearly, your pee is green with endive.

(What does that even MEAN?)

At any rate, Our friend wrote, directed, and starred in a short fillum called BIGGER, which was hysterically funny.  And here comes the first developing theme/subplot:  moving on from yesterday’s candy penises (penii?), said fillum was about a theoretical penis (which We never saw (hence its theoreticality)). In fact, the fillum might well have been subtitled “The Little Penis That Could” (or, possibly, “Couldn’t”).

Meanwhile, in one of those co-inky-dinks that could only happen to Us (or on an  e-pissode of The Young and the Rest Of Us),  We happened to know a number of the actors who starred in the fillum festival’s final fillum (there were three fillums, and they were each well under half an hour long…clearly, the fillum festival planners have met Our attention span), including Keith, Corinna (whom We Our Own Self Personally have seen with The Devil), and Dito.

Now here comes developing theme/subplot Number Two (heh…she said “Number Two”):  non-naked skimmers will recall that yesterday was the birthday of  TheLovelyAndTalented Kevin, who has the distinction of being the star of the first live performance of Hedwig and the Angry Inch that We ever saw.  Well, Dito, who was in the final fillum last night, was the star of the SECOND live performance of Hedwig and the Angry Inch that We ever saw.  TWICE.

Clearly, this means that Neil Patrick Harris will be calling by the end of this week to offer Us free tickets to his little show.

Riiiiight?

(Parenthetically (hence the parentheses), We once met a random Hedwig at a party of some sort, but We don’t count her, because We didn’t see her perform.)

In other news, We find Ourselves (not that We were looking for Us, but it’s a figger of speech) in the sign of Gemini, Our video for which is above …and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends: http://youtu.be/Yj7enrUk6js ))).

Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is Our previous Gemini video, which is the first Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video We ever made.  Just look how far We’ve come! (Ooops…did that get in your eye?):

And here’s the HorrorScope:

It is Joshua Jackson’s birthday. In Our oh-so-humble opinion, We could all stand to see a great deal more of Joshua Jackson, on screens both large and small.  Somebody hire that boy for something, wouldja?

There’s just a wee bit too much going on beneath the surface (Indeed.  So much so that, on the way from the subway to the fillum festival last night, We were forced to stop into Barnes & Noble to poop.)

(To quote Our friend Sean from Greater Bostonia, “as the kids say, TMI”.)

(Although what the fuck Three Mile Island has to do with anything, We have no idea.)

(On the other hand, it WAS an epic poop.  One might even say “nuclear”.)

(We kill Us.)

— so make sure that you’re ready to deal with the cavalcade of pent-up feelings that seem to be taking over your life. (“Cavalcade” is one of those words you just don’t hear often enough, innit?)

It gets better soon!  (Than what?)

Just when you thought things absolutely couldn’t get any more intense — well, here it is. (Nothing communicates intensity like “well, here it is”.  AssHatt.)

One more situation you have no choice but to become totally and completely emotionally involved in. (Joshua Jackson’s birthday?)

Oh, go ahead. (Jump out of Joshua Jackson’s birthday cake?  Don’t mind if we do.)

Give it your all. (What?  Candy penises (penii?) and everything?)

But know that there could be one more dispute en route tonight, before you can actually let go and put it all behind you.  (“Dispute en route”?  Clearly, Kelli is a poet, but she is unaware of it.)

You might have some pent-up energy that’s not perfect for romance, (Gee…ya think?)

so power through a work project in order to direct it productively. (We shall power through.  Like Jeff Stryker in Powertool. (Is “We Shall Power Through” the white yuppie version of “We Shall Overcome”?  Discuss.))

The flip side is you’ve got the chance for progress and regeneration. (By process of elimination, We shall have a professional regurgitation…(We only said that because We couldn’t think of a Flip Wilson joke.))

(Candy-coated popcorn, penis, and a prize…that’s what you get in CrackerJack™.)

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

I am Katy Perry, hear me roar

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for FriedEgg, October 25^rd , 2013.  Happy Birthday to TJ, who may or may not turn twenty-four today.  In New York.  New York, New York.  The city so nice, they made fried rice.  (We have no idea what that means.)  Happy Birthday also to Blaine, who DOES turn twenty-four today, right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.  With or without fried rice, but with six, you get egg roll.  (We have no idea what that means either.)

Damn, now We’re hungry for Chinese food.

And We’ll probably be hungry again in half an hour.

That’s not racist; it’s just that We’re pretty sure We’re not getting any food, Chinese or otherwise, in the next half hour.

(Is it just Us, or does “Chinese or otherwise” sound like the beginnings of some manner of ethnic slur?)

Changing ethnicities for the moment,  The Little Show That Could, LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour , will be returning for one night only on Sunday, November 10 at 7:30 at L’Etage.  Get your tickets here:  http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/499391  . Dammit.

Meanwhile, for Our newly-turned-twenty-four-year-olds above, and the rest of you twenty-four-year-old gentlemen out there, here are Seven Things Every Man Must Do Before He Turns Thirty-Five (sexism NOT Ours, ladies): 

http://parabasis.typepad.com/blog/2013/10/seven-things-every-man-must-do-before-he-turns-35.html

Speaking of Chinamen, it’s been a while since We gave a shout-out/hello to Lex in China.  Lex in China is a self-professed naked skimmer of these e-pisstles, not to be confused with the opera, Nixon in China.  Unlike many of Our other naked skimmers, We have seen this particular one naked.  We can tell you that, because he will no doubt nakedly skim right past it.  Also, he’s in China, so he’ll just be naked again in half an hour.  Of course, if your name is Lex, and you’re naked in China, there’s a whole Gulliver-amongst-the-Lilliputians thing going on, but We’ll bypass that for now.

(What are the odds of Our getting a sext from Lex?)

Speaking of birthday suits and nakediddity, We are currently having a total crap day, because (A.) it’s fucking freezing and (2.) people seem to be doing their level best to make every damn thing more difficult, so We’re just going to re-run yesterday’s “birthday suits and nakediddity” story.

(We mistyped “fucking” as “fuckign” in the preceding.  As suggested replacements, Micro$oft Weird™ offered “bucking”, “ducking”, “tucking”, “lucking”, and “mucking”.  First of all, thanks a lot, Micro$oft Weird™.  Seconal, is “lucking” even a word? And Thurber, where the motherfucking fuckety-fuck was “sucking”?)

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Speaking of birthday suits and nakediddity, Gentle Readers (who are not naked skimmers (and who have not had a stroke since yesterday)) will recall, um, yesterday, when, in the wake of the end of “Picturing Allen And Kevin Naked Week” and “Picturing Peter’s Peter Week”, We forged boldly forward where no ass(tromalogical) ho(roscopulist) has gone before by declaring it A New Week.  You can relive the excitement in all its glory here: http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2013/10/jimmy-craps-corn-and-i-dont-care.html  or just enjoy the Reader’s Digest highlights that follow:

But back to the matter at hand, Ducks (which is different than the hatter Armand (which is, yet again, different from the Mad Hatter Armand Hammer (remember when Armand Hammer made baking soda?  Now his great-grandson Armie Hammer…well, Looks Like That.  Hi-yo, Silver, et cetera.)))…none of these parentheses is getting Us any closer to the matter at hand, is they, Ducks?  Let’s start over…

Armie Hammer naked…

Let’s start over again…

Having already dragged Allen, Kevin, and Peter into this again by neck and crop (and have We mentioned recently that We’ve actually SEEN the “crops” on two out of three of ‘em in Real Life?  Sigh…), We must mention that We had absolutely no responses to yesterday’s request for Whom Should We Picture Naked THIS Week? Consequently, We have taken matters into Our Own hands (along with Mad Hatter Armand Hammer’s great-Grandson Armie Hammer), and decided, for reasons entirely Our Own to declare it “What’s In Those Jeggings™? Week”, starring OurThreeSons from the murder mystery.

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And here is the HorrorScope:

In celebrity birthdays today, We have Katy Perry and Helen Reddy. In honor of the occasion, We went and listened to Ms. Perry’s latest, “Roar”,  for the first time.  Is it just Us, or is this the exact same song as “Firework”?

Whatever you may think of Ms. Reddy’s oeuvre, “Delta Dawn” and “I Am Woman”  are NOT the same song.  Just sayin’.

Family needs are dominant today, so focus what you’ve got on kids, your partner or the old folks back home.  (Oh, and be sure call them “the old folks back home “.  To their faces.  They love that.  Trust Us.)

Whatever you do, expect to get rewarded sevenfold in the medium-term future.  (“Sevenfold”?  “Medium-term”?  What the hell language are you speaking now, AssHatt?)

Recent family problems are finally getting solved today, and the good news is that very soon they will all be gone.  (Oh, yeah.  There’ll be no more family problems at all, once you’ve called ‘em “the old folks back home” a couple of times.)

And when they are, remember to leave them behind — bygones should be left as bygones. (Does anybody else want “bygones” to rhyme with “cojones”?  Just Us?  Alrighty, then.)

Do not try to get back into a touchy conversation with someone right when they are finally calm again.  (Indeed not.  Because those “the old folks back home” might just fly right off the handle.)

(We got interrupted, and totally forgot that We were supposed to be telling Chinaman jokes.  Sigh.)

(Does this mean that Lex won’t sext Us now?)

You want a new gadget — and you want it now!  (Also, a new Gidget.  But only if We can play in Moondoggie’s Speedo™.)

One of the great things about being single is that you don’t have to ask permission.  (So there’s more than one great thing?)

Indulge in some retail therapy and really enjoy your purchase. (Wow.  Did that come out of reft field or what?)

You deserve it!  (Oh, don’t even get Us started…)

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.