Why don’t you tell me ‘bout the mystery dance?

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for  Friday, August Twoth, Twoth-ousand thirteen.  Happy birthday to Edgar, who turns twenty-four today somewhere in Greater Bostonia.

We are very excited today, as, at Our murder mystery this evening, We are having guests!  That practically NEVER happens!  (Our employer, of course, would have it that We ALWAYS have “guests”, however, in this instance, We mean personal guests whom We know.)

(In case you were concerned that We had suddenly gone sane, We will have you know that, when We typed “at Our murder mystery” up there, We distinctly heard Kathy Bates’s character from Misery saying, “At Our murder mystery, Mister Murderer, now get in the cock-a-doody car!”)

This being the fourth day We are mentioning this, perhaps even the naked skimmers are catching up:  being on the cutting edge of hip-hop-happenin’ modern trends as We are, We are attempting to raise funds to produce Our Fringe Festival show,  Looking for Uranus: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour,  via crowdsourcing. 

To that end, We have launched a Kickstarter project (Kickstarter being one of the two major crowdsourcing websites), which you should go and look at here:  http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/635878991/looking-for-uranus-starzina-starfish-brownes-comeb  When you do go there, you will need to click on the big pixture of Us in order to play the video, which should amuse you even if you are unable to contribute to the project.

Another way to help out (and thanks to the many of you who have already done this) is to share the project with your SItOnMyFaceBook friends.

Also thanks to all of Our early-bird investors (why exactly One would WANT a worm is somewhat beyond Us, but whatevs), whose generosity has pushed Us over the 25%- funded mark!

(Please do NOT let this fact deter you from helping out…We only get the funds if We become 100% funded.)

And here is the HorrorScope:

Okay, Butch Patrick, who played Eddie Munster?   Is sixty today.  If anyone’s looking for Us, We’ll be pooping Our Depends™ while We drink a vodka and Geritol™.  (Do they even MAKE Geritol™ anymore?  Or does saying “Geritol™” to denote “something that old people use” peg One as an old person, because they don’t even make it any more?  (We just Googled Geritol™ on Wikipedia…they DO still make it.  Also, it is 12% alcohol.  Kiss Us quick, We’re Lucille Ball.))

Details are aggravating today  (Also aggravating is the leg cramp with which We woke up, which is clearly going to impede Our errand-running progress.  Sigh.)

— you’ve got to either skip past (Well, okay.  If, by “skip”, you mean “limp”.)

them or delegate them to someone who can handle them with more patience.  (Hmmm….”someone with more patience”….well, that narrows it right down to, oh, say, ANYDAMNBODY.)

Keep your eyes on the big picture!   (Was that a fat joke?)

Someone who is far away is going to be on your mind today  (Indeed.  ‘Cause he posted hawtt pixtures of hisself on the InterNetz.)

— and you are on their mind as well. (We somehow doubt that.)

(Let’s just hold Our breath here and wait for him to get in touch, shall We?)

In fact, they’ve been thinking about you for a while now and are eager to get back in contact — perhaps they’ve even started a game of phone tag with you.  (Mmm-hmm.  “Phone Duck-Duck-Goose” more like.  Except without the goose.)

(Does anyone have a clue what the hell We’re talking about?  Because We seem to have lost the thread…)

If so, today you need to make an extra effort to reconnect with them.  (Remind Us exactly why WE always have to make all the (useless, futile) extra efforts?)

Not all of the people from your past are meant to be left there.   (Um, yeah, they pretty much are.  Because otherwise, life’s just one big long game of emotional Whack-A-Mole™, and ain’t nobody got time fo’ dat.)

(Does it occur to anyone else that “Whack-A-Mole” looks as though it should rhyme with “guacamole”?  Just Us?  Alrighty, then.  At Our murder mystery, Mister Murderer, now get in the cock-a-doody car!)

It’s time to buckle down (Also, buckle up for safety, buckle up!  (What was that part about Geritol™ again?))

and get back to racking up some accomplishments. (And hacking up some hairballs.)

That could mean doing a little love-related research (Is that a  euphemism?)

or a follow-up with a recent date, (Unfortunately, Our most recent dating was carbon dating.)

but make sure you take some kind of action soon.  (Why?  There’ll just be an equal and opposite REaction.  (Kiss Us quick, We’re Sir Isaac “Big Fig” Newton.))

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

Wearing smells from laboratories

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for ThurstonHowellTheThursday, July Elebbenf, 2013.  Happy Birthday to OurMizMaryPat, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.  Happy Birthday also to Zach, who may or may not turn twenty-four today, somewhere in Greater Bostonia.  Also Happy Birthday too to Joe, who does NOT turn twenty-four today, here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.

Zach, We shall add here for archival purposes, is an actor with whom We are acquainted solely through the WorldWideInterWebNetz.  He is, fascinatingly, the total doppelganger/understudy for someone in Our actual life.

In other news, OurMizMaryPat just broke out in hives because We used the word “doppelganger”.

From the Does It Get Any Better Than This Department, We have occasionally marveled in these e-pisstles about the frequency with which We find loose change in the proverbial gutter.  We have, in fact, clearly indicated that We will bend over for a penny.  (And yet, not a one of YouPeople has ever taken Us up on it.  A PENNY, people. Seriously.)  Well, yesterday in Our travels, We cast Our eyes into the gutter, and what do you think We found?  A SEPTA token!  Yes, indeedy-do, ladies and genitals, We bent Our tired old ass over for A HUNDRED AND EIGHTY pennies, for the low, low price of free!

(Do you get the feeling that random good things don’t very often happen to Us?  Because you would be correct.)

We also seem to recall having mention recently that, if We live to be twenty-four, We will never understand people.  Said lack of understanding continues apace.  Although today, We intend to attempt a step toward clarity.  Or Aunt Clara-ty.  One of those.

You will be happy to note that We continue to procrastinate writing Our Fringe show.  Although it DOES have a title: Looking for Uranus: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour.  How, you may well ask, can We come back, when We’ve never been gone?  You’ll have to see the show, to see if We’ve figgered that out.

In other other news, as you can see,  Our latest video, Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: CANCER 2013 is above. 

If you’ve been paying attention (oh, relax; We know you haven’t), you will note that this is the fourth installment in a (so far) four e-pissode story arc.  Because We’re a writer like that, and stuff.

We would like you to take this link to said video   http://youtu.be/e-EpBAfem_M and email it to your friends.  Or put it on their SitOnMyFacebook pages.  Or, if they are having a Cancer birthday, wish them a happy birthday with it.  Seriously, people…is this so difficult?

And here is the HorrorScope:

It is Yul Brynner’s birthday.  Also, John Quincy Adams.  Neither of those facts is particularly cake-inspiring.

Your terrific energy (Say WHAT?)

helps you seize the initiative (Carpe the initiative!  (That’s Latin for “This initiative smells like dead fish”.))

and push things forward today — so go for it!   (What is the antecedent for this particular “it”, O Great AssHat?)

You may find that you are better able to convince people at work that your ideas are the best.  (A people at work shall remain at work, but an idea that’s best shall remain the best…Sir Isaac Newton’s First and Second Laws of Those Stupid Cookies That Nobody Likes.)

(Because not only are We a stupefyingly great artiste, We also too know science.)

One of the very best ways to remind yourself that you are the commander in chief of your life is by rearranging your life — literally.  (Alternatively, you could tie a string around your finger.)

 It’s time for some house cleaning!   (Bite your damn tongue!)

Now, before you get annoyed at the prospect of organizing closets and scrubbing out the refrigerator, stop and think about it. (What LANGUAGE is this demented lunatic even speaking?)

What better way is there to feel powerful than by improving your living situation in such a way that, every day moving forward, you can actually see the influence you have?  (Well, for starters, there’s winning PowerBall™.)

You may be feeling even more adventurous today!  (Than what?)

Maybe you’re ready to try speed dating or some seemingly cheesy singles event.  (So wait…there are entire EVENTS centered around those slices of cheese wrapped in plastic?  How BORED would One have to be???)

Of course, you can meet interesting people anywhere you go today!  (Why do We suspect that We shall spend the day proving this bee-yotch wrong?)

(Why, when We mistype “worng”, does Micro$oft Weird™ not know We mean “wrong”? Why, why, WHY?????????)

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

You're fat as a horse and find that you're knocked up

 Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for  Wednesday, February 13, 2013.  Happy Birthday to Fran, who turns twenty-four today somewhere in suburbia.  And, to the rest of YouPeople, Happy Hash Wednesday.  Also, Happy Chinese New Year.      Welcome to the Chinese Year of the Trouser Snake.  But don’t be alarmed…it’s Chinese.  So the trousers are pajamas, and the snake is an inchworm.  Also also, Happy VD Eve.  Which is like Summer’s Eve™, but with thirty-seven percent more douche.  Why “douche” doesn’t rhyme with “touché”, We’ll never know.

As you can see, William Faulkner’s urine stream of consciousness continues to have nothing on Us.

Remember, man, that thou fart dust; they cancelled As the World Turns.

Do you think We could get His Popeness to explain that to Us real quick before he goes off to play golf, or tat doilies, or whatever it is that retired Popes do with themselves?  Oh, wait…there hasn’t BEEN a retired Pope since 1415.

Naturally, We are only jesting like this to distract Ourself from Our upcoming audition for Popehood.  We don’t want to get overconfident.  Although We’re pretty sure We’ve got the whole thing in the bag.  We’ve decided to sing “Tap Your Troubles Away” from Mack and Mabel for Our upbeat number, and “Defying Gravity” from Wicked for Our ballad.  And for Our monologue, We’re going completely off the board and doing Sojourner Truth’s Ain’t I A Woman.  None of the other candidates will be doing THAT.

But the thing that has Us the MOST excited is that we have just this minute learned that the Pope…is INFALLIBLE!  And, as you all know, We thought We were wrong once, but We were MISTAKEN!  Talk about a shoe-in!  To demonstrate Our infallibility, We thought that, for Our dance number, We’d perform all seven parts of the “Who’s That Woman?” number from Follies.  Sondheim is pretty infallible, right?  Even if he did write the music for Dick Tracy.

Speaking of old men in dresses and ruby slippers,  We shall be playing The VD Match Game on Friday and Saturday, February 15 and 16, at 7:30 at L’Etage.  You can obtain tickets here http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/331562 and find more info here
http://www.facebook.com/events/279672565493605/  Our Sistah Ovella, for those of you who know her, will be playing also.

Here is a little Aquarius fillum, for Our birthday Aquarians:

And here are the HorrorScopes:

Just when you thought things couldn’t get any more festive, it is Stockard Channing’s sixty-ninth birthday!  Which means she was thirty-four when she played a high school student in Grease. Math is hard.

Your active energy is making life a lot more interesting (We thought We smelled something.)

— and your friends and colleagues are more than willing to let you lead the way!  (Lazy bastards.)

Don’t think too hard, (No worries there.)

just take action.  (We are fairly certain that it was Sir Isaac Newton who said, “For every action, there is an equal and opposite inaction”.  A fact of which We pride Ourself of being the (barely) living proof.  (Sir Isaac Newton was better known, naturally, for inventing the Fig Newton™.  Because, seriously, would you rather have physics, or cookies?))

A very unique culture is inspiring you right now, (Indeed.  It has taken over most of the crisper in Our fridge.)

so today you need to start trying to integrate it into your life more. (Honey, We’re already doing Sojourner Truth; how much more integrated can We get?)

Whether you do it through the food you eat, the music you listen to, or the places you hang out in, immersing yourself in something new will invigorate you and fill you with an incredible sense that anything is possible.  (Don’t fuck with Us…We’re infallible.)

Take a real break and get out in the world, experiencing all the light and the heat.  (Bitch, it is February.  Back AWAY from the crackpipe.)

Tonight, do something participatory — go dancing or hit a karaoke bar — instead of just watching passively. (Oh. Our. God.  We should totally go be infallible at a karaoke bar!)

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.