Cat scratch fever

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! For ThirstyThurrrrstonHowellTheThurrrrsday, May Thurrrrtieth, Twenty-Thurrrrteen. (Is it just Us, or do We sound exactly like Eartha Kitt’s verrrrsion of Catwoman?  (YouPeople DO auditorially hallucinate these e-pisstles as you read them, don’t you?  (Well, DON’T YOU???)))

Happy Birrrrthday (you are only pretending that you wish We would stop that) to Josh, who turns twenty-four today, somewhere in suburrrrrrbia.  We should have a drink together.  (We promise not to DRESS like Eartha Kitt’s verrrsion of Catwoman.)

Meanwhile, courtesy of everybody’s favorite WorldWideInterWebNetz, this diet tip just in:

Tip to lose weight: First turn your head to the left, then to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.

You’re welcome.

In other news, you can, of course, lose weight, but Ugly is forever.  Especially if you are ugly on the inside.  Just sayin’.

(Heh…We said “but Ugly”, which made Us think of “Butt Ugly”.)

(Apparently, while Josh has turned twenty-four, We are eternally twelve.)

(Speaking of Josh, it just occurrrrrrred to Us that We have the purrrrfect pictue of Julie Newmar’s version of Catwoman to use as today’s Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!  Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Leave The Driving To Us in his honor.  You’re welcome.)

(We just give, and give, and give, don’t We?)

In other other news, you will notice the appearance above of Our new Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: GEMINI 2013 video. We expect you will do your usual bang-up job of sharing it with all of your friends using this link: http://youtu.be/Yj7enrUk6js , because you care about Us like that.

For those who enjoy history, here is Our Gemini 2011 video, which was Our very first one:

Also, get your tickets NOW for the WaitStaff’s upcoming Spring Into Summer Match Game, this Friday and Saturday, May 31 and June 1, at 7:30 at L’Etage.  More info here:  https://www.facebook.com/events/422346354528494/  We are foregoing Our murder mystery paycheck for this, so (A.)  come see it now because (2.) that won’t be happening again anytime soon.

Speaking of the WaitStaff, they will be holding auditions for a woman to join in their Fringe shennanigantics.  Let Us know if you are interested, and We shall hook you up.  Because We’re connected like that.

And now the HorrorScopes:

In celebrity birthdays today, it is Wynnona Judd’s birthday, and the picture on the website that tells US so makes her look rode hard and put away wet.  Which is all the excuse We need to share the “Wynnona’s Big Brown Beaver”  song:

Also, it is Stepin Fetchit’s birthday, a fact We point out only because, heretofore, We thought that was the CHARACTER’S name, not the performer’s.  Also also, it is Bob Evans’s birthday.  You know, the sausage guy.

Now is not a great time for conflict, (Oh, yes it is.)

(Heh.  See what We did there?)

so try to surround yourself with folks who think like you.  (And what funny farm are We gonna find THEM on?)

Of course, at some point in the near future, you need to challenge your beliefs, (We don’t believe you.)

but that has to wait.  (Doesn’t waiting for your waiter seem somehow inefficient?)

You’ve been focused on where you are going, (Well, sure.  Because if you focus on where you’ve been, you’ll bump into a lot of shit.)

(Confucius ain’t got nothin’ on Us.  (Except he could probably get Chinese food without waiting for delivery.))

(“If you focus on where you’ve been, you’ll bump into a lot of shit.”  If only We knew how to needlepoint…)

which is smart — but today it’s time to get back to the present (Wait…there are presents?)

and start living in the moment. (Oh, see, now.  Here, We thought you were saying, “start living in the muumuu”.)

Keeping your gaze fixed so far into the future has created (A lot of drooling, and the general sense that We don’t know what the fuck is going on?)

some distance between you and someone who cares a lot about you  (Okay, or that.)

— it’s time for you to get back in touch with them. (And We would, except for that pesky restraining order.)

Don’t just think about tomorrow, (Actually, it’s “don’t STOP thinking about tomorrow”.  And We’re SURE, because We just looked it up.  Who are We gonna listen to, Kelli The AssHat or Fleetwood Mac, complete with Stevie Nicks?  (Don’t even bother answering that.  It’s rhetorical.  (Much like “Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn” is RhettButlorical.)))

or you will totally miss out on today.  (Which, unless Josh is sharing his cake, appears to be pretty much a write-off.)

Join up!  (Uncle Sam wants shoes.)

Any group united by a common cause is an avenue toward good fun (So there’s fun that ISN’T good, then?)

 — and it may provide new romantic opportunities in a relaxed setting that’s great for meeting the right people.  (Yeah, whatever.  We are now busy pondering Our new religious movement, WWJND?  (What Would Julie Newmar Do?))

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

Just call me “Angel of the Morning”, Angel.

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for  GoodPieRupeeTunesDay, February 12, 2013. Happy Birthday to Greg, who turns twenty-four today.  Also, Happy Fat Tuesday to all of Our Fat Readers.  (Was that a fat joke?  Because it sounded like a fat joke.  (How does One tell the difference between a fat joke and a phat joke?))

You will be pleased to hear that Our headshot and résumé are winging their way to the Vatican for Round One of The Pope Auditions as We speak.  We also sent two audition videos.  It was difficult to narrow it down, as We have so many cinematic efforts to choose from, but We finally settled on this one, which is thematically relevant, because it has an angel in it:

…and this one, because it has an altar boy.  (Well, okay, it’s Justin Bieber.  What’s the matter, you’ve never heard of transubstantiation?)

Speaking of old men in dresses and ruby slippers,  We shall be playing The VD Match Game on Friday and Saturday, February 15 and 16, at 7:30 at L’Etage.  You can obtain tickets here http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/331562 and find more info here
http://www.facebook.com/events/279672565493605/  Our Sistah Ovella, for those of you who know her, will be playing also.

Here is a little Aquarius fillum, for Our birthday Aquarians:

And here are the HorrorScopes:

Today is, of course, Abraham Lincoln’s birthday.  Lincoln was the sixteenth President of the United States, and starred in the recent fillum, Daniel Day-Lewis’s Left Foot, for which he will be winning an Oscar™, so there’s no need to bake him a cake. (Also, don’t buy him theater tickets…he hates that.)  It is also Charles Darwin’s birthday.  Darwin was in the original Planet of the Apes fillum, and also played Samantha’s second husband on Bewitched.

This is not the time for new projects or people — you have to stick with what you know. (Unfortunately, We don’t know much, because We don’t get out much.)

Confusion is rampant, (Ah, so.  That is what Confucius say.)

(What?)

and you may find that your energy starts to improve only after you give up a little.  (Well, if We’re sticking with what We know,a s you said earlier, We have precious little to give up.)

People who like to share their private life issues with the rest of the world are extremely tedious for you, especially right now.  (People who share their privates, on the other hand, are great fun at parties.)

You like to help others as much as the next person,  (Which is to say, not at all.)

but there are more important things that you’d rather pay attention to than who’s going through heartbreak or who’s cheating on whom.   (Well, duh.  It’s not like We’re sitting around writing country western songs.)

So ignore the gossip as much as you can today.  (Sorry…did you say something?)

Airing their dirty laundry might titillate some folks, (Heh.  Kelli said “tit”.)

but it is only going to annoy you today.  (Oh, please.  Our laundry is done, gurrrlllll.  Also, We ran the dishwasher last night.  If cleanliness is next to godliness, it is pretty goddamn godly up in here, folks.  We are all kinds of ready to be Pope.  Get that angel in here in his thong, and lettuce look up Justin Bieber’s ass to see if his hat’s on straight.)

You may be ready to march up (In these shoes?!?)

and tell that one crush of yours how hot they are,  (Like they don’t already know.  Bitch, please.)

but a lower-key approach gets better results now.  (And We are nothing if not low-key.  Well, low something.)

A simple question can work wonders! (What the fuck is that supposed to mean?)

(Heh.  See what We did there?)

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                    

Thank you for being a friend

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for ToozDee, May 8, 2012.  We don’t know about you, but We are still prostrate on Our fainting couch, clutching Our smelling salts to Our pneumatic bosom, as We attempt to recover from yesterday’s Vagina Monologues e-pissode.  What the hell happened in here, anyway?  Sure, We got Our str8 boi readers all hot and bothered, but did any of ‘em show up on Our doorstep, loaded blunderbuss in hand, asking which way to the skeet shoot?

(We have no earthly idea what We’re talking about, but the answer to the preceding question is “No”.)

(“Skeet shoot”???)

(Meanwhile, how many str8 boi readers (does it take to screw (heh) in a light bulb?  No.)…how many str8 boi readers are now wondering if a pneumatic bosom works like a pneumatic drill?)

Alrighty, then.  We can apparently cross “Victorian novelist” off of Our list of potential sources of pecuniary remuneration.  And, as We are busily procrastinating, and yet, not the least bit interested in sharing what We’re procrastinating about, it’s time for a whole new feature here on The Mouseketeer Club…er, Erix Daily Horoscope:  Anything Can Happen To Celebrities Day!!!

(Speaking of The Mouseketeer Club, to ensure that Our str8 boi readers continue to love Us, albeit from afar (did We just say “albeit”?  Perhaps We should reconsider that Victorian novelist gig…), Annette Funicello’s pneumatic bosom.  You’re welcome.)

(Never you mind that Annette Funicello will be seventy this year.  That’s only thirty-five per bosom.  Perverts.)

This first bit has nothing whatever to do with celebrities, but We just saw it on the WorldWideInterWebNetz and it tickled Us, and We make the rules around here:  Clown shoes are very big, and clown cars are very small- get it together, clowns!

On a celebrity-related note, We may or may not have mentioned We have joined The Twitter.  Because We’re hep to the jive like that.  We have no idea why regular people would be on The Twitter, but it apparently gives celebrities a chance to prove that they are just as idiotic as everyone else.  Just this morning, Cher (surely it comes as no surprise to you that We follow Cher on The Twitter?)  made some sort of liberal Democrat observation .  Apparently, there was some Republitard out there who was SO stupid (how stupid was he?) that he did not realize that Cher (whom he also was following on The Twitter) was a liberal Democrat, and he felt compelled to call her out on her “stupidity”  (which he, naturally, being a Republitard, referred to as “Communism”).  Unfortunately, Cher engaged this douchebag, and the whole thing quickly degenerated, to the point where the Republitard was mocking Cher for misspelling a word, saying, and We quote, “botox has gone 2 ur brain”.  Whereupon Cher put an end to the entire discussion thusly:  “I’m dyslexic, asshole! Just think!  If I could spell, I could have been successful!”

Meanwhile, We are lifting the following anecdote verbatim, as the clock is ticking here at OurHouseWhereWeLive (and presumably at YourHouseWhereYouLive, also, but since when is it all about YOU?):

 Apparently, Rufus Wainwright has told this story for years, but this is the first time I've heard it and it's never too late to hear one of the reasons for whyBea Arthur will forever be our Patron Saint of Bitchiness. During a time in Rufus' life when he was trapped in a black cloud of loneliness, the only thing that gave him life was watching episodes of The Golden Girls. Just like every good gay, Rufus considers Rue, Estelle, Bea and Betty his four apostles. So many years later, Rufus saw Bea at a party and had to thank her for being a friend. Sometimes when you meet one of your idols, you walk away with the taste of disappointment in your mouth, but that didn't happen to Rufus. Rufus walked away with the feeling of knowing what it's like to be slapped down by a GOD! This is how Rufus' moment with Bea went:

Rufus: "I'm sorry to bother you, and I'm sure you hear this all the time, but I was going through a rough patch and Golden Girls brought me so much entertainment and comfort. It really helped me get through the bad spell.You're so wonderful. You made me feel like you're my grandmother."

Bea: *gently leans into his ear* "I'm not your fucking grandmother." *throws scarf over shoulder, arches back and exits stage left*

Getting bitched out by Bea Arthur is like Jesus himself putting his hand on your forehead to rebuke the evil spirits out of you. How Rufus survived that is beyond me. If Bea Arthur put the word "motherfucker" in my ear, I would've called the tombstone store and told them to etch "Bitch Died Happy" into my peen-shaped headstone before falling on the floor to die. You've unlocked every achievement and won the game of life when Bea Arthur curses you out.

And thus endeth Anything Can Happen To Celebrities Day!

On another subject, here is a link to Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: Taurus: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KlqQw4TppqY which you can use to share it with your very own personal friends who are currently birthdaying.  Not, of course, that anyone has ever actually done this, but We live in hope.

And here, because its brilliance cannot be overstated, is Our new motto:  Uranus is Our Rosebud.

And now, the HorrorScope:

You may step on someone’s toes — not that that is your intention!  (Of course not!  We were trying to step on his balls, but he wouldn’t hold still.)

It just happens sometimes, (Usually to Us.)

and it’s hard to say who’s to blame.  (That’s why you must always select the scapegoat FIRST.)

Just apologize and get on with life.  (Firstly, shouldn’t that be “RuPaulogize”™ Willam Belli”?  And Seconal™, being Us means you never have to say you’re sorry. Mainly because you ain’t.)

(Clearly, all pretensions of Victorian novelisthod have been defenestrated.)

Try not to confuse your opinions with truth. (Also, don’t cloud the issue with facts.)

Not everyone agrees with your ideas right now, (Stupidassmuthafuckahs.)

(What, you were expecting a witty riposte?  Shirley you digest.)

and if you assume that they do, you could run the risk of really ticking a few people off. (Which is probably for the best, as who likes people with ticks on them?)

So be sure to double check with everyone before moving forward on any group activities. (Confucius say, is difficult to have orgy by oneself.)

(Confucius probably didn’t actually ever say that.  But he might have, because who the hell understands Chinese?)

Hasty action on your part will probably leave some brittle egos feeling left out — and cause a few sabotage plans to be hatched.  (Oh, good lord…next thing ya know, the CIA’ll be putting an IUD in Our DVR.)

(What?  We’re just so proud that We stopped Ourself from saying “VCR”.)

A little extra consideration will help you stay popular.  (Sod off, AssHat.)

(Howzzat?)

You’d rather take action than mince words. (Today on Frenching The Chef, julienned paragraphs.)

(Should We or any of Our EDH Force be caught or killed, The Secretary will disavow any knowledge of Our actions.)

Today you may have a chance to do something important instead of merely talking about it. (That is ever so doubtful.)

Follow your gut instincts (EEEuuuwww!!!)

and move forward without looking back. (Or move backward without looking for…?)

Show them you mean business.  (See, as We’ve always said, it’s “show business” not “show art”.  Because how little sense would that sentence make if that sentence could make sense?  Or, if it read, “Business them you mean show”.)

(We’re outtie.)

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

                            

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.