Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! For ThirstyThurrrrstonHowellTheThurrrrsday, May Thurrrrtieth, Twenty-Thurrrrteen. (Is it just Us, or do We sound exactly like Eartha Kitt’s verrrrsion of Catwoman? (YouPeople DO auditorially hallucinate these e-pisstles as you read them, don’t you? (Well, DON’T YOU???)))
Happy Birrrrthday (you are only pretending that you wish We would stop that) to Josh, who turns twenty-four today, somewhere in suburrrrrrbia. We should have a drink together. (We promise not to DRESS like Eartha Kitt’s verrrsion of Catwoman.)
Meanwhile, courtesy of everybody’s favorite WorldWideInterWebNetz, this diet tip just in:
Tip to lose weight: First turn your head to the left, then to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.
In other news, you can, of course, lose weight, but Ugly is forever. Especially if you are ugly on the inside. Just sayin’.
(Heh…We said “but Ugly”, which made Us think of “Butt Ugly”.)
(Apparently, while Josh has turned twenty-four, We are eternally twelve.)
(Speaking of Josh, it just occurrrrrrred to Us that We have the purrrrfect pictue of Julie Newmar’s version of Catwoman to use as today’s Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Leave The Driving To Us in his honor. You’re welcome.)
(We just give, and give, and give, don’t We?)
In other other news, you will notice the appearance above of Our new Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: GEMINI 2013 video. We expect you will do your usual bang-up job of sharing it with all of your friends using this link: http://youtu.be/Yj7enrUk6js , because you care about Us like that.
For those who enjoy history, here is Our Gemini 2011 video, which was Our very first one:
Also, get your tickets NOW for the WaitStaff’s upcoming Spring Into Summer Match Game, this Friday and Saturday, May 31 and June 1, at 7:30 at L’Etage. More info here: https://www.facebook.com/events/422346354528494/ We are foregoing Our murder mystery paycheck for this, so (A.) come see it now because (2.) that won’t be happening again anytime soon.
Speaking of the WaitStaff, they will be holding auditions for a woman to join in their Fringe shennanigantics. Let Us know if you are interested, and We shall hook you up. Because We’re connected like that.
And now the HorrorScopes:
In celebrity birthdays today, it is Wynnona Judd’s birthday, and the picture on the website that tells US so makes her look rode hard and put away wet. Which is all the excuse We need to share the “Wynnona’s Big Brown Beaver” song:
Also, it is Stepin Fetchit’s birthday, a fact We point out only because, heretofore, We thought that was the CHARACTER’S name, not the performer’s. Also also, it is Bob Evans’s birthday. You know, the sausage guy.
Now is not a great time for conflict, (Oh, yes it is.)
(Heh. See what We did there?)
so try to surround yourself with folks who think like you. (And what funny farm are We gonna find THEM on?)
Of course, at some point in the near future, you need to challenge your beliefs, (We don’t believe you.)
but that has to wait. (Doesn’t waiting for your waiter seem somehow inefficient?)
You’ve been focused on where you are going, (Well, sure. Because if you focus on where you’ve been, you’ll bump into a lot of shit.)
(Confucius ain’t got nothin’ on Us. (Except he could probably get Chinese food without waiting for delivery.))
(“If you focus on where you’ve been, you’ll bump into a lot of shit.” If only We knew how to needlepoint…)
which is smart — but today it’s time to get back to the present (Wait…there are presents?)
and start living in the moment. (Oh, see, now. Here, We thought you were saying, “start living in the muumuu”.)
Keeping your gaze fixed so far into the future has created (A lot of drooling, and the general sense that We don’t know what the fuck is going on?)
some distance between you and someone who cares a lot about you (Okay, or that.)
— it’s time for you to get back in touch with them. (And We would, except for that pesky restraining order.)
Don’t just think about tomorrow, (Actually, it’s “don’t STOP thinking about tomorrow”. And We’re SURE, because We just looked it up. Who are We gonna listen to, Kelli The AssHat or Fleetwood Mac, complete with Stevie Nicks? (Don’t even bother answering that. It’s rhetorical. (Much like “Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn” is RhettButlorical.)))
or you will totally miss out on today. (Which, unless Josh is sharing his cake, appears to be pretty much a write-off.)
Join up! (Uncle Sam wants shoes.)
Any group united by a common cause is an avenue toward good fun (So there’s fun that ISN’T good, then?)
— and it may provide new romantic opportunities in a relaxed setting that’s great for meeting the right people. (Yeah, whatever. We are now busy pondering Our new religious movement, WWJND? (What Would Julie Newmar Do?))
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.