Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for GoodPieRupeeTuesday, HookahDanangAniméAnew, VenuesChainsWithBenVereen’sNudeLegs, StiltLimeGunnerMitchWho? May 14, 2013. Happy Birthday to Richard, who turns twenty-four today somewhere on the WorldWideInterWebNetz.
Actually, We cannot EVEN with the WorldWideInterWebNetz today. Doctor Joyce Brothers, Angelina Jolie…where’s an “ain’t nobody got time fo’ dat” meme to tell Us that ain’t nobody got time fo’ dat?
In other news, in The Wonderful World Of Bloggonia (which is not unlike The Wonderful World Of Disney, except that in The Wonderful World Of Bloggonia, all of the princesses look like Us, instead of like anorexic silicone-bowling-ball smugglers), We are not ignoring your comments on Our blog. It is just that Google is not allowing Us to comment on Our Own blog. For a while there, We could reply to comments, but now We can’t even do that. Ah, technorogy.
Moving on to Our vlog (because We’re hep to the jive and talk lingo like that), We don’t frequently re-watch one of Our videos once We’ve posted it. But the other day We clicked on it by accident as we scrolled by and could be heard to ejaculate, were there (subjunctively) anyone here to hear Us ejaculating, “What the fuck is in Rosy Starfish’s pants?”
Seriously…check it out:
And now the HorrorScopes:
Happy birthday to Mark Zuckerberg, who invented SitOnMyFaceBook. Fortunately, when We picture him, We picture Our future ex-husband Jesse Eisenberg, who played him in The Social Network.
Speaking of “ain’t nobody got time fo’ dat”, We gots thangs to do, so, instead of Kelli blathering on, here are your weekly horoscopes from The Onion:
· Aries Your tendency to see the worst in every situation will rob you of any pleasure you might have otherwise derived from next Thursday’s biological-disease outbreak.
· Taurus They’ve taken to calling you a broken man, defeated, beaten, dispirited, hopeless—but then, they have access to a thesaurus.
· Gemini You’re prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
· Cancer Continuing a proud, age-old tradition, you will hand down your family’s priceless heirlooms to the next generation of Chinatown pawnbrokers this week.
· Leo You’ve never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
· Virgo Endless complaints that your talents are being wasted at work will finally pay off when management decides to promote you to the new position of “Head Whiner.”
· Libra You’ve always prided yourself on being able to both “talk the talk” and “walk the walk,” but a debilitating stroke will soon leave you unable to do either.
· Scorpio There’s nothing wrong with being attracted to a man in uniform, but the stars still think you can do better than building custodian.
· Sagittarius To no avail, you will once again pray exactly 223 times for God to heal you of your lifelong obsessive-compulsive disorder.
· Capricorn A scantily clad stripper will soon jump out of the cake, confirming a rather embarrassing mix-up at the bakery, and completely ruining your daughter’s fourth birthday.
· Aquarius You’ve heard the saying “you are what you eat” many times before, but prosecutors will surely describe you as anything but an innocent newborn.
· Pisces The stars foresee travel in your future, so get ready to finally put on a pair of decent pants.
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.