Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for FriedEgg, May Tenf, TwennyFirteen. Happy Birthday to Dana, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back. Also, Happy Belated Birthday to OurAmericanCousin Brian, who turned twenty-four yesterday in O-Hi-Ohio, where does anybody really think We know the whole story about that bizarre kidnapping story yet, because We sure don’t think so. Also also, Happy Belated Birthday to Billy, who also also turned twenty-four yesterday in New York (and, by “New York”, We mean “New York, New York”), and Happy Belated Birthday to Chad, who also also too turned twenty-four yesterday, also also too in New York (except that this time, by “New York”, We do not mean “New York, New York”).
Is anyone else now grateful that there’s not a city in New Jersey called “New Jersey”? Just Us? Alrighty, then.
It’s up to YOU! New! Jersey! New! Jersey! (Frank Sinatra is rotating in his sarcophagus. (That’s like spinning in his grave, except classier. ‘Cause it’s Frank Fucking Sinatra.))
We are, of course, back from The Hinterlands, just in time for a weekend of Murder and Mayhem. What is left of what passes for Our brains is addled, frazzled, and, Our new favorite word, courtesy of the WorldWideInterWebNetz, “bumfuzzled”. And yet, We shall soldier on, because, really, what else can ya do? We have already scored one disappointment since Our return, and We suspect We are on the verge of another. Our life is a goddamn Chekhov play, although, being uncultured as We are, We are unsure as to which one…is it The Three Cisterns or Uncle Viggly that has the pie-fight in Act Three?
Speaking of speaking of things of which We have recently spoken, We just came across the “speaking of” from Our most recent e-pisstle, to wit:
“Speaking of twenty-four-year-old Eye-talian boys who pole-dance in Our dreams…”
…which caused Us to reflect, as much as One whose brains are as bumfuzzled as Ours can reflect, without a mirror or a reflecting pool, on the fact that the people spoken of in Our recent “speaking ofs” have all been real live people, and yet, not a one of them has responded to being spoken of. (If that sentence were (subjunctively) in German, it would not end in a preposition, because German would no doubt have a word for “ofspoken”. Because Germans are efficient like that.)
And so, in an effort to increase two-way communication here at Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!, here is a review of some recent ofspokens, to give them all another chance to see themselves in print:
Speaking of twenty-four-year-old Eye-talian boys who pole-dance in Our dreams,
Speaking of “apparently, str8 bois will NOT send you random pictures of their junk, even if said pictures cannot possibly be traced back to them”,
Speaking of “on Tuesday there was a naked guy from Minnesota where Mary Tyler Moore threw up her hat, on Wednesday there was a G-stringed stripper from Jersey, meanwhile, did We mention the guitar player?”
Speaking of woodchuck cock in a Jersey stripper’s G-string (is Our ability to develop a theme uncanny, or what? (Who said, “Or what?”) (also, is it just Us, or is “uncanny” one of those words that sounds like it should mean something else entirely?)),
Speaking of “Capital One™: what’s in YOUR codpiece?”, We are still awaiting with bated breath (which, as We have explained many times before, is different than baited breath, because, eeeeuuuuwwww) photographs of codpiece contents from Minnesota. To quote historically from yesterday:
“And now, having spent a full twenty-four hours reflecting upon Our naked Minnesotan, One wonders if it isn’t, in fact, a little cold in Minnesota to be naked. Shrinkage issues, and whatnot. Perhaps naked Minnesotan experts will weigh in on this. Hopefully with photographic evidence.”
Speaking of “Is that the Virgin Mary in your Speedo™, or are you just happy to see Us?”,
Speaking of boyz who ignore Us, as you can see above, We have released Our new Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: Taurus video. Here is the link with which you will share it with your friends, enemies, frenemies, enemists, and frenulums:
Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is last year’s Taurus video for comparison:
And now (changing, for some artifactual reason, to birthday-cake-icing-baby-blue), here are the HorrorScopes:
Our celebrity birthday website, meanwhile, would like Us to know that it is Birute Galdikas’s birthday. Ms. Galdikas, it would have Us know, in case Our memories were bumfuzzled (third time! That word is OURS!), “worked closely with the orangutans of Indonesian Borneo in their natural habitat for almost four decades”. Now, of course, We all remember fondly the early works of The Orangutans of Indonesian Borneo, particularly their debut album, We’re the Orangutans of Indonesian Borneo, their sophomore album, Who You Callin’ Orangutans of Indonesian Borneo?, and their seminal third and fourth albums, You Rang? Born, Yo and Up Against the Wall, You Indonesian Motherfucker. Alas, this early promise was never to be fulfilled, as the lead singer promptly embarked on an ill-advised solo career, and the bass player married Yoko Ono’s gynecologist. Fortunately, following the dark, dark disco period, and the nadir that was their Bond song, “My Dick Is Substantially Larger Than Yours”, they have been able to make a quasi-comeback as an ABBA cover band, and are currently enjoying some success playing gay weddings in Indonesian Borneo.
So, yeah, Happy Birthday, Birute Galdikas.
You are seeing results today — thanks to your efforts, (Is anyone else reading that as “e-fforts”, then translating it to “e-farts”? Just Us, because We’re twelve? Alrighty, then.)
life is a little easier! (E-asier e-quals more e-fartless.)
(Heh. We kill Us.)
That’s good news, of course, but you may need to show the right people that things are heading in the right direction. (May We also need to show the left people that things are headed in the left direction? Because if We can fool some of the people summertime, then the livin’ is easy.)
(What? You think We don’t know classy shit like Porgy and Bess? We even know the sequel, Porky and Petunia.)
The allegiances you have to someone special are loosening right now, (Good thing We pledged ‘em to the fag.)
but it’s not a sign that your relationship is dissolving, so don’t worry. (This relationship will self-destruct in five seconds…)
What’s beginning to happen is that you are learning to give people room and they’re learning to give it to you. (Was that a fat joke?)
Things are freeing up a bit, (Thanks, Spanx™!)
and your responsibilities are centered more around being true to yourself (And Our school.)
and not around making the other person happy. (Maaaaaaake someone happy, maaaake just one someone happy, and sit on Our happy face.)
This partnership is equalizing, not ending. (That should, of course, be “e-qualinzing, not e-nding”. “Nding” being, of course, the Chinese word for codpiece. (Hi, Lex!))
Respect your desire to slow things down today. (O.
If you need a few more messages before you’re willing to meet that online cutie (Patootie?),
or another couple of dates before taking things to the next level, that’s fine. (Is this a relationship, or a parking garage?)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.