Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your
Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for GoodPieRupeeTuesday, May 6st , 2014.
Happy Birthday to Gerard, who does not EVEN
turn twenty-four today, which he does not EVEN do right here in The City That
Loves You (On Your) Back, because (A.) he lives somewhere in Jew Nersey, and
(2.) according to SitOnMyFaceBook, he is currently vacationing in Miami. So party on, Gerard. (Panty raid at Gerard’s house, everybody!)
In other news, We are awaiting with bated
breath (because We are nothing if not a master breath-bater) the arrival of Our
birthday gift of tickets to see Hedwig and the Angry Inch starring
Neil Patrick Harris and Anna May Wong…
(We are just going to keep right on saying
that until that show closes, thereby demonstrating the utter futility of
Creative ViZZZualization. (Although
apparently We have viZZZualized well enough that one poor deluded Gentle Reader
actually imagines that We already HAVE said tickets.))
In still other news, We have two upcoming
shows which We would like to bring to your attention deficit disorder: on Thursday, May 8th, We will be
performing in the next installment of The Walker and O’Dare Radio Mystery Hour
at the Powel House. We should like to
point out that, although in the style of an old-time radio show, these are
original scripts by a very talented writer.
This program is in danger of cancellation (through no fault of its own…due
to a change in management at the Philadelphia Society for the Preservation of Landmarks),
so We could really use your support in Our efforts to remain at the Powel House
or find a new home. Please get your tickets here: http://philadelphia-society-for-the-preservation-of-landmar.ticketleap.com/walkerandodaremystery/
(We are told that said tickets are currently
HALF-PRICE (!) (We have apparently been
kidnapped by K-Mart. Again.))
Also, on Saturday, May 10th, the
WaitStaff will be playing The Mother of All Match Games at
L’Etage. In keeping with the Mothers Day
theme, We will be leaving Jesus H. Christ’s hippie wig at home, and performing
for the first time as Mrs. Mary MotherOfGod.
You won’t want to miss THAT! (In
order not to miss it, please get your tickets here:
And on Friday, We do the murder mystery,
which means We get to do three different shows in three days, because Our life
is cool like that. Which also means
that, because We have noticed in advance that We’re doing something that makes
Us happy, that people are going to try to poop in Our punch bowl…just you
watch.
(We left that bit from yesterday in there on
purpose because lo and behold, the punchbowl pooping has commenced. Lucky, lucky Us.)
In other news, We suddenly find Ourselves
(not that We were looking for Us, but it’s a figger of speech) in the sign of Taurus,
Our video for which is above, and here is the link with which you may share it
with your friends:
Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone
in a tree, here is Our previous Taurus video, which is somewhat of a fillum
noir, if you will. (Or even if you won’t…since when is it all about you?):
And here’s the HorrorScope:
Our
future ex-husband George Clooney was born today. We shall let him eat cake .
(That, in case you are
mentally-differently-abled, was a euphemism.)
You need to avoid the friction that is going
down today (Wait, wait, wait…there’s friction AND going down? Things are looking up…)
(Somebody has apparently been
euphemism-loading.)
— otherwise, you may find that your energy is
wasted on small-scale conflict. (That
too is a euphemism, but We have no idea for what.)
You feel too good to get drawn into silly
struggles. (On the other hand, We could
probably be talked into a Silly STRING™ struggle.)
You may be on quite a roll right now, (Was
that a fat joke?)
but you still need to conserve your energy
for the bigger and better things coming down the pike. (That must be one long
damn pike…)
Don’t get too tied to the idea that progress
can only be defined by how much you can get done in a specific amount of time. (That
would seem to be the exact definition of progress. Words have meanings. AssHatt.)
Life is not a race, so slow down. (Nor is it
amazing. Just sayin’.)
Today, don’t take on any new projects — avoid
making any big commitments with your time. (Sorry, Bee-Yotch…since We typed Our
last response, We got alerted about a gig, inquired about said gig, and shipped
off an email to book said gig…We gots no time for “don’t”.)
You need to stay flexible and deal with
what’s on your plate. (If there is going
to be anything on Our plate, We shall have to put it there Our Own Self. Sigh.)
You’re on the move and you’re making
progress. (Which, just three sentences ago, she told Us how NOT to define. Notice however, that she never told Us how TO
define it. Fucktard.)
Don’t be surprised (SURPRISE!)
if your family and friends question your
decisions. (What if We already decided that We WOULD be surprised? THEN WHAT?)
If they really pry, remember — it’s really
none of their business. (Also, fuck ‘em if they can’t take a joke.)
Your intuition will give you the truth. (YOU
CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!)
(Oh, and just to update…the gig We mentioned
earlier? Is apparently Ours. Go Us.)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think
of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say
(and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical)
ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our
Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better
by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal
blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the
Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets
and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
Speaking of Jacques Cousteau, today is his birthday. So look at Us, being all accidentally topical
and shit.
Happy Birthday to Bill, who turns twenty-four
today somewhere in The Hinterlands. And
We had no idea how FAR in The Hinterlands until We chanced upon the map on his
SitOnMyFaceBook page today. (The
Hinterlands are not to be confused with The Netherlands, for which One has corresponding
Nether Regions. One has no Hinter
Regions. Or, if One has, One should seek
medical attention.)
Speaking of “medical” and “attention”, it has
just come to OUR (somewhat limited) attention, courtesy of the WorldWideInterWebNetz,
that George Clooney has had a medical procedure to remove the wrinkles in his
scrotum. Said procedure is called “ball
ironing” (We are NOT making any part of this up), and, subsequent to his announcement
that he has been the recipient of same, it has become all the rage in
Hollyweird.
Somehow, We imagine that, if One were
(subjunctively) compiling a list of sentences that had been uttered by no
living human ever, right near the top of the list would be, “Oh, no, George
Clooney, I will not make the mad, passionate fucksex with you, because your
scrotum is all wrinkly.”
Just sayin’.
In even more random news, from Twatter:
If
Leonardo da Vinci posted the Mona Lisa on Instagram today, it would get 30
likes, tops.
2
horrible facts:
1)
Today is not Friday.
2)
Today is not Friday.
In still other news, you will notice
the appearance above of Our new Starzina’s
Time of the Month Horoscope: GEMINI 2013 video. We expect you will do
your usual bang-up job of sharing it with all of your friends using this link: http://youtu.be/Yj7enrUk6js , because
you care about Us like that.
For those who enjoy history, here is
Our Gemini 2011 video, which was Our very first one:
And now the HorrorScopes:
In celebrity birthday news, in addition to
Jacques Cousteau, Happy Birthday to Adrienne Barbeau. Which, conveniently, rhymes. Also to Shia LaBeouf, which, inconveniently,
does not rhyme, and is possibly the stupidest name in Hollywood. If you don’t count Gwyneth Paltrow’s daughter.
In a completely unprecedented disastrous turn
of events, which We have elected to blame solely upon Our inclusion of Shia
LaBeouf and Apple Paltrow in the same paragraph, We are unable to reach Kelli
the Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist)’s website. Cross your Hinter Regions that this means she
has finally been made redundant, and that We can take over her job.
Meanwhile, since We have a few newbs in here
today, here is a sort of zodiac primer/refresher course. Enjoy!
Aries
Aries have ramlike eyebrows and smug
expressions. They should not be quite so smug because they are constantly
clunking themselves in the skull. Cat Stevens' "Hard Headed Woman"
was probably an Aries. Aries rarely say one thing and do another. They usually
do the wrong thing and don't discuss it. Never point this out to an Aries unless
you want your kidneys pulled out through your sinuses. Aries folks love
Pisceans because Pisces people make them feel well-grounded. Aries love to
laugh at the funny moon-people who suck their thumbs at age 35. Aries use guns
to describe philosophical concepts. Whether you live in a palatial estate or a
cardboard tepee, you will insist until death that it is exactly what you always
wanted. Most Aries were concrete parking bumpers in at least two of their past
lives. Aries are never born. They skip gaily from their mothers' wombs. This
may even involve rollerblades. The Aries makes life decisions as a toddler.
Aries marry several times for funnies but never divorce. Their spouses have
many freak accidents resulting in death or crippling injury. Being infallible,
God is probably an Aries. This would make Satan an Aquarius. Aries always hold
management positions. If one is assigned to clean toilets, he will form a
one-man union. Then he will go and picket in the parking lot. All of you think
you're Lech Walesa. People run away when an Aries comes around. They know that
if they do not, the Aries will set them on fire. Aries hate listening to
Scorpios talk because they take pride in being even more self-centered. In
fact, much to the Scorpios' dismay, you are the biggest pricks in the zodiac.
Your rams' horns are in everyone else's asses.
Taurus
You are brooding emotion incarnate. One
minute you're up, the next you're down, the next you've shot your favorite
newscaster in the kneecaps, "just 'cuz.". You're very earthy, which
may mean that you don't shower as often as most people. Or it may just mean
that you like to roll around with your nose in clover and sigh. Taureans love
happy movies where everyone is jolly and having fun, but they fight with
waiters and get upset with billboards. They like to psychoanalyze their friends
but have no real experience with life in general. Taureans mumble while
describing philosophical concepts. The Taurus is a strange bird because he or
she holds grudges about things that never actually happened. This may stem from
the feelings of inadequacy resulting from being beaten out for first in line in
the zodiac by Aries. That is the Taurean self-image, always second best.
However, they are undoubtedly the best at feeling like second best. All Taureans
want to be God. Unfortunately, God is an Aries. You are generally tough to
figure out because you answer every question with a question. Also, you won't
come out from under the bed. Most Taureans love conflict. If nothing is wrong,
then that in itself is something wrong. Some especially like bar fights. If
they can't get into an actual bar fight, they will make up interesting stories
about them which they can tell their friends right before they psychoanalyze
them. If it weren't for Bazooka Joe and The Family Circus, Taureans wouldn't
know what to do. You feel that you are going nowhere in life. You are probably
right. Milwaukee is full of Taureans. Taureans are impatient and pushy. They
are in a tremendous hurry to get to the nowhere that they intend to go to. They
make little dioramas of their homes, complete with tiny effigies of the people
they know, and act out scenarios of the way things would be if they were God.
Gemini
Everyone loves a Gemini because everyone
loves a schizophrenic. You like to think that you are a half-and half mixture
of Socrates and Michelangelo, but in reality it's more like Prince and Bea
Arthur. You are progressive, outgoing, and one of the most popular rides at
Cedar Point. However, you can and will negate all of this by the time you're
finished reading this sentence. Geminis drive funny cars. They often drive them
into trees or buildings. Geminis are pushy and overbearing. They pick fights
with small children and moon people at weddings. They like to use Libras as
punching bags. A bisexual Gemini is a walking double date. The rest are
hermaphrodites. Geminis vandalize their own houses. Geminis use far-fetched
analogies to describe philosophical concepts. Geminis rarely compete in the
Olympics. When they do, it is usually pool or air hockey. Frogger turns up as
well. Geminis are always on some sort of medication. This medication is not
always legal. Gemini is Latin for "I'm okay, I'm okay." Geminis speak
very loudly in order to be heard. This is unfortunate as they are nearly always
talking to themselves. In fact, they often pick animated arguments with
themselves in the bathtub. The most famous Gemini in history is Orville and
Wilbur Wright. Geminis are frequently abidextrous, which means that they can
pick both sides of their noses at the same time. The Gemini is essentially
nothing more than a paranoid Aquarius.
Cancer
You like to know what's going on in the
lives of everyone in the galaxy. However, you tend not know know what's going
on in your own. If you are lucky, your friends will tell you. Cancerians only
get dressed because they have to, and their fashion sense can only be described
as "erratic." You are more likely than any other sign in the zodiac
(except Pisces, who does not iron) to iron your clothes by sleeping with them
sandwiched between the mattress and box-spring. Likewise, you can stretch one
pair of underwear out for almost a month. Your home is like your very own
Biodome, and you can remain indoors for months at a time. Despite your need to
be everyone's savior, you need no social interaction. SWAT teams often show up,
mistakenly thinking there's a hostage situation. A Cancer is like a walking
Ladies' Home Journal, quick on the draw with shortcake recipes and helpful
hints on how to talk to your teen. Whether they know it or not, they are all
born with an exceptional talent for cross-stitch. So much for buying the world
a Coke - they would breast-feed the world if they could. This trait is not
gender-specific. You will never excel in sports because you have to rest for
fifteen minutes every time you breathe. You do not mind, since you plan to
conduct your career from the comfort of your own bed. You maintain your
questionable health through a steady diet of Ho-Ho's and beer. You also imbibe
a great deal of Pepto-Bismol in order to confuse your numerous ulcers. People
walk on you often. Actually, not often - all the time. If you think someone is
screwing you, you're probably right. The most entertaining thing about this is
that you like it. You strive to be a doormat. Cancerians coin their own words
to describe philosophical concepts. This is why it is no surprise that George
W. Bush is a Cancer. Cancerians have minimal influence over their friends, even
though they show up with homemade soup to remedy every minor or major tragedy.
However, they wield their power through the fact that they know what everyone
is thinking at any given time. This is why they are never invited to parties.
Cancerians claim to be "tactful". The word for this is actually
"shiftless". Cancerians are always appointed to take their drunken,
drooling friends home. These friends are usually Pisceans
Leo
You will grab attention in any way you
possibly can. Self-immolation is not out of the question. You like to kiss
mirrors a lot. Genghis Khan was a Leo, and so is Barney the Dinosaur. People
still love Lucy, but less because she was a Leo. Leos will interrupt
conversation to talk, and they will place themselves bodily in the way of
someone who is trying to leave before the Leo is finished saying what he or she
needs to say. All Leos want parades on their birthdays. Leos never marry
because no one is good enough for them. If they do marry, they keep their
spouses locked under the bathroom sink. They need physical affection at all
times; unfortunately, they can't find any because everyone thinks they are
irritating punks. This is why so many of the people arrested for necrophilia
are Leos. A Leo uses himself as an example of the Overman in order to describe
philosophical concepts. Some Leos decide to be homosexual even if they aren't,
because they think this gives them shock value. It actually means that neither
gender will want to hook up with them. In actuality, anything besides a
romantic evening with themselves is considered a step down for the Leo. Leos
open doors by screaming at them. They expect their Clappers to applaud when
they enter a room. Leos are said to resemble lions. This means that they are
loud, have cleft upper lips and slimy noses, and s**t under trees as they walk.
They snack on monkeys while watching "Entertainment Tonight".
Humility frightens Leos. That is why Jesus was a Capricorn, Buddha was an
Aries, and so forth. However, "radical cult leader" is not out of the
question. Leos like to start fights with Aries. They will stomp and bloody each
other regardless of whether or not they are in public. In fact, the Leos
usually prefer it. You will see these fights taking place at bars, sporting
events, fashion shows, or Taco Bell. If you are a clever Capricorn, you will
sell tickets. Don't worry about hanging posters--Leo will take care of that in
advance. Aquarians hang posters of rock stars on their walls. Scorpios hang
posters of famous disasters on their walls. Capricorns hang posters of great
mathematicians on their walls. Pisceans hang posters of unicorns on their
walls. Leos hang posters of themselves on their walls.
Virgo
You are a pain in the ass. You regulate
your breathing and color-coordinate the clothes in your closet. No Virgo in
history has ever belched. Virgos clean every square inch of everything they own
twice daily with a toothbrush. Everything has its place, and yours is on the
floor scrubbing with a magnifying glass, checking for germs.
Obsessive-compulsive disorder? A nice euphemism for the word "Virgo".
Virgos use pointers and elaborate charts to describe philosophical concepts.
You commit a lot of drive-by shootings. When you are questioned, you tell the
police that it was because "the bastard had a filthy car". The police
usually let you go because they are Virgos too. It is easy to freak out a
Virgo. Tell them they have something between their teeth. Then watch them scrub
frantically at the imaginary thing. Virgos are a hell of a lot of fun for
assholes like us. Hell for a Virgo is being locked up in an elevator for eternity
with a naked Aquarius. That is because in hell, Aquarians are allowed to bring
beer, which they leave all over the floor. Virgos, however, have to surrender
their brooms and squeegees to God. Virgos also have a hard time coping when
they find out there's something under the fridge. But it's usually just a
depressed Taurus. Virgos have read enough Hints from Heloise to know that the
depressed Taurus can be coaxed out from under the fridge with a banana wine
cooler. Virgos don't see the world in shades of black and white. They see it in
shades of clean and dirty. Cat hair makes Virgos foam at the mouth. Virgos are
cool because they will do your laundry for you. They'll separate everything by
color and fabric until it consists of fourteen loads of three things apiece.
Then they will put them in the washer in alphabetical order by name of
manufacturer. Virgos are often found opening and shutting the refrigerator
door, attempting to trick the light inside. Don't put cheese where it doesn't
belong in a Virgo's refrigerator. He or she will go Jack Torrence on your ass.
You will be stabbed with a cuticle pusher. Jack Torrence was probably a Virgo
in the first half of "The Shining". After that, he went all Leo.
You got into computers early so you could
use made-up, bulls**t terminology and get away with it. Most hackers are
Scorpios, as are most people who think they're going to find fame on a chat
board. You embarrass Libras because you like your coffee straight out of the
bag, eaten with a spoon. You may have actually snorted Chock Full o' Nuts at
one time in your life. You take your paranoid beatnik approach to life very
seriously. Many Scorpios have found ways to successfully smoke in the shower.
Your number-one grudge is about never having been abducted by aliens, or being
the victim of a government conspiracy. Most of those fake virus warnings or
cash offers from Bill Gates are your attempt to stir something up. Ironically,
Bill Gates is a Scorpio. The fully-automated barracks he lives in should clear
up any doubt. Your master plan for world domination will never work because it
involves you at the helm. It is hard for you to accept that Star Trek is
fiction, and you are not a Borg leader. Scorpios use expletives to describe
philosophical concepts. It's no wonder that Halloween falls smack in the middle
of the Scorpio range. This is the only time of year when fake hauntings,
sugar-induced hysteria, and impersonating Dr. Who won't get you arrested.
Scorpios have strong sex drives, because it gives them yet another opportunity
to smoke. Scorpios have much advice to give on matters that are of no concern
to them. If you want to find out if someone is a Scorpio, ask them a pertinent
question. Five minutes of silence later, the answer will be "I'm sorry,
what?" Scorpios are often hairy and feel that this makes them more virile.
This is especially true of Scorpio women. Scorpios cheat at the lottery. If
it's automated, they can hack it.
Sagittarius
Sagittarians are born adventurers. They
like smashing spiders with their bare hands and trying to walk to the bathroom
in the middle of the night with the lights out. They would sooner sustain
crippling injury than do anything the easy way. Sagittarians love to entertain
their friends, family, and total strangers. This often includes transvesticism.
Nearly every Sagittarian was born into the wrong gender. Sagittarians are loud
and have no social graces. They seek to offend. Sagittarians usually have
nicknames like Thunderpooper or Vomitus Maximus. Animals and small children
love Sagittarians. This is unfortunate since adults usually hate them. However,
Sagittarians make excellent circus freaks and vagrants. Sagittarians use
interpretive dance to describe philosophical concepts. Buttons and bumper
stickers with rude sayings on them are a trademark of the Sagittarian. They
throw food at expensive restaurants and ask lots of questions in the middle of
church. Don't ever bring a Sagittarius home to meet your parents. He or she
will tie up your mother and pants your dad. Famous Sagittarians include the Geo
Metro. The holiday during which the sun is in Sagittarius is Thanksgiving. This
is highly appropriate since everyone eats until they're sick and passes out
while a bunch of cross-dressers and huge inflatable things wander through the
streets of New York, the most Sagittarian town in the universe. The Shriners
driving around in the tiny little cars are a very Sagittarian image. Even more
so if there's a ridiculously busty woman stuffed into the car as well. A
Sagittarius is always a better Madonna than Madonna. Men can pull off sequins,
and women can pull off construction helmets. The Sagittarius is incapable of
being unhip.
The Aquarius loves a party. Anytime,
anywhere is their motto. It is not unlikely that an Aquarius will consider a
wake a good place to meet chicks. Aquarians tend to be nostalgic about the
1960s because that was the last time they could be naked in public and get away
with it. Aquarians love to be naked. It is even better if they are naked and
crocked. 97.4% of the Night Train consumed in the past thirty years has been
consumed by Aquarians. Almost every Aquarian will claim to have seen Jerry
Garcia's image in their Froot Loops at least once. Froot Loops is a very
Aquarian cereal. So is Rice Krispies, since it will engage in a friendly chat
with the Aquarian as he or she is eating breakfast. Count Chocula is
off-limits, however. It belongs to the Scorpios. Aquarians are the only people
in the zodiac who can play volleyball with themselves. And they frequently do.
Aquarians use the phrase "Dude, man..." frequently when describing
philosophical concepts. Aquarians have out-of-body experiences on a daily basis.
If you are talking to an Aquarian and he or she zones out, consider the
conversation hopeless. He or she is talking to the guy three feet away from
you. Aquarians are fun because they channel people. Plus, if you tell them to,
they will run around naked. Aquarians like astronomy because they've been to
all those places. If you want to know what the food is like on Saturn, ask an
Aquarius. They can also walk on water if they try really really hard. This
usually happens in the bathtub. Aquarians can allow themselves every possible
vice on the planet, and don't think twice about it. That is why they piss
everyone else off. They are cosmically entitled to do this. Most rock stars are
Aquarians.
Pisces
Everywhere you go, laughter and
comedy ensue. This would be great if you were trying to be funny. You are
deeply confused by the idea of sex. As far as you are concerned, if it didn't
happen in "The Velveteen Rabbit", it doesn't exist. Piscean women
wear long floaty dresses and enormous amounts of unusual silver jewelry. On
hikes. Pisceans claim to love the stars, but the only constellation they can
find is the Big Dipper. If they cannot find it, they cry. You remember what you
were wearing on March 3rd, 1981 but forget your own address. You have no sense
of direction. The people you find going in reverse at 70 m.p.h. on the
expressway are usually Pisceans. Pisceans are most likely to die by falling out
of a window or getting run over by a truck. That is, of course, unless they
live with a Cancer. Pisceans are so zoned and perpetually endangered that they
can bring out the maternal instincts of a Leo. Don't be fooled, however; many
Pisceans can surprise you by kicking your ass and the asses of your four
imaginary friends. While Leos tend to achieve the most fame in the field of
entertainment, Pisceans strive to achieve historical greatness by sheer fluke.
They are proud to tell you that Michelangelo, Galileo, George Washington, and
Albert Einstein, none of whom had an agent, were all Pisceans. What they won't
tell you is that so is Ted Kennedy. Pisceans claim to want "honest
criticism" of their work. Then they commit hara-kiri on the floor when you
say you don't like it. Never try to use logic with a Pisces; he or she is
living about three feet off of the natural ground or in Narnia. Their tools of
debate are non-sequiturs, quotes from Elizabeth Barrett Browning, and, of
course, crying. It wouldn't matter what linguistic devices Pisceans use to
describe philosophical concepts because they aren't positive they know what they're
talking about anyway. You cry over dead animals in the road but feel no remorse
about mowing down humans you don't like. Cancerians say one thing and do
another. Scorpios say one thing and do it just for spite. Pisceans say far too
much and do whatever the hell they want.
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but
better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For
real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good
friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own
epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by
comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has
Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on
the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian
helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
Remains of the Day (08/12)
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*DNA*: Jonathan Groff and Daniel Radcliffe are getting close again in
“Trust The Man”
*Vulture: *Is the strange online business of selling people their ...
She wasn't so Scary.
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I am shook. I am speechless. I am sad, shocked, heartbroken and damn right
shook. I am writing his note on my blog, because this is where I met Scary ...
Mercury in Gemini- Long Shot
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card shark by twak, CCL *Helios Says:*
“*Scientists have calculated that the chances of something so patently
absurd actually existing are millions to on...
If You Ask Me...
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Looking at my Facebook feed tells me it’s been a big news week for the
worlds that overlap the ven diagram of things that appeal to LGBT people.
Some LGBTs...
“Slut on a Monday Night” Live at Joe’s Pub Bootleg
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A pretty girl who came to see my show took this video on her phone and I
stole it off of her facebook. I wrote this song from my heart with my
friend Greg ...
