Hello, Ducks!
Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your
Eric’s!Weekly!Horoscope! for JustAnotherManacledManicuristManiacallyManhandlingManchurianManateesMonday,
January Twelvest, 2015.
Happy Birthday to Mark,
who turns twenty-four today right here in The City That Loves You (On Your)
Back.
Happy Birthday also to
Skip, who also turns twenty-four today, somewhere in the suburbs of The City Of
Brotherly Love Handles.
Happy Belated
Birthday, meanwhile, to Cynthia, and Alexander, and John, and Zachary, and
Josh, and Fernando, and Bill, and Vinnie, and Harmony, and Patricia, and
Drusilla, each of whom turned twenty-four this past week.
Yes, We said “this
past week”. We last e-pisstled last
Monday, and, oddly enough, despite the absence of e-pissodes, the hit count for
that e-pisstle never rose again, and not a single Gentle Reader inquired as to
Our whereabouts or Our well-being.
Hmmm…
We’re fine, thanks for
not asking. We had three nights at the
Murder Mystery Factory, a three-day visit from bae (that’s what The Kidz are
calling it, yes?), and a broken furnace.
Somewhere in the
middle of said week, a friend in Hollyweird sent out a SitOnMyFaceBook request
that people watch and Cher his new video, which We promptly did (as One, We
thought, does (and are doing again here, which see:))
This activity, it will
not surprise you to learn, caused Us to reflect upon the fact that We share Our Own Personal videos every day, both on people’s
SitOnMyFaceBook pages for their birthdays, and in these e-pisstles, wherein We
request that Our Gentle Readers Cher them.
To wit:
“Here is the link with which you may share
Our Capricorn video with both of your friends:
http://youtu.be/m3Aa_X_HoVM ”
That never happens.
Needless to say (and yet, saying it anyway), We
were a bit discouraged by this turn of events.
However, in Our ongoing efforts to be One Of Those People who turns
chicken shit into chicken salad, We
wondered to Ourself what all else We might be writing if We weren’t
(subjunctively) e-pisstlitizing there e-pisstles e-very day.
Welcome, consequently, to Eric’s!Weekly!Horoscope!,
which astute Gentle Readers who are NOT naked skimmers will have already noticed
up at the beginning there. (Have We
mentioned recently how very many of Our Gentle Readers We’ve seen naked? Because We have.)
Speaking
of nakediditty, who could resist this Justin Bieber story? : http://www.brobible.com/entertainment/article/calvin-klein-photoshopped-justin-bieber-bulge/
And/or: http://www.thesuperficial.com/justin-bieber-pubes-photoshop-calvin-klein-happy-trail-original-01-2015#.VK9dvtXfuyU.facebook
It just this minute occurred to Us to go look
at what, if any, e-pissodes of these e-pisstles people were looking aat while
We were amongst the missing, and We came across this e-xcerpt from 2012, which
had the most hits for the week:
We would not, of course, ordinarily be
e-pisstlitizing in here on a SayerDee (or, if We were, We’d be intro-ing one of
Our Very Special Video Retrospective E-pissodes), but something monumentally
cataclysmic has transpired, and We felt compelled to come and Cher.
There is a pimple on Our buttock.
Not just ANY pimple, mind you. (Not just
ANY buttock, either…Our LEFT buttock.) This is a pimple of such
staggering proportions as to leave all other pretender-to-the-game-of-thrones
pimples in the dust by comparison. This pimple on Our left buttock is so
monumentally ginormous that it could actually be an auxiliary buttock all its
own. Which would, it would seem, give Us three buttocks, causing Us, no
doubt, to list to one side, and making Us, essentially, Fred MacMurray in My
Three Buttocks, with William Demarest as Uncle Charlie,
and what was up with all those old TV shows where random men just lived
together without a woman anywhere to be found, and how sad is it that We knew
William Demarest’s name without having to look it up?
But back to Our pimple, which makes even the
preceding paragraph look small by comparison. If Our left buttock were
(subjunctively) Mount Rushmore, this pimple would be Chester A. Arthur.
Who is not, of course, actually ON Mount Rushmore, but We’re fairly sure he was
the really fat President, unless that was William Howard Taft, but We can’t be
bothered to look it up. (We did, however, just look up William Demarest, and
We learned that, if he were (subjunctively) still alive, he would be a hundred
and twenty years old. THERE’S a brain cell We’ll never get back.)
Our point being that they would need the fattest President they could find to
represent this pimple if Our left buttock were (subjunctively) Mount Rushmore.
All this talk of Our left buttock is, as you
would assume, making Us think of the Daniel Day-Lewis fillum, My
Left Foot, in which Mister Day-Lewis portrays some
real-life character with a crippling disease so very crippling that he can only
control his left foot, so he takes up painting. Instead of, you know,
something useful, like feeding himself, or wiping his ass, or having a
wank. This, of course, makes him famous, and his life gets made into a
movie with Daniel Day-Lewis in it. Daniel Day-Lewis wins an Oscar™,
presumably to the sound of crippled painter guy’s one foot clapping.
Now, We are not suggesting that Our left
buttock could hold a candle to Daniel Day-Lewis’s left foot. (Actually,
We’re fairly certain that Our left buttock couldn’t hold a candle at all,
whereas Daniel Day-Lewis’s left foot no doubt could. (It also strikes Us,
just now, parenthetically, that Mister Day-Lewis’s character in that fillum
must have been really bad at the Hokey-Pokey.)) We ARE, however, saying
that, if you hold a canvas back there when this pimple finally pops, We will
SHOW you a painting.
All together now: eeeeuuuuwwwww!!!!!
And here, for your further edification, is
Our very first Capricorn video:
Upon reflection, these two videos are amongst Our much more densely-plotted cinematic efforts, due to the fact that Our director actually is a Capricorn (although quite unlike the unseen character from the videos).
We often ponder, in
the endless time afforded to Us by the fact that We are almost universally
ignored, how many of Our Gentle Readers actually realize that, if viewed in
order, Our videos actually have ongoing plots and storylines.
Moving on, didja know that We have been
e-pisstling e-pissodes of these e-pisstles in one form or another since
2001? And that the earliest dead-tree
archival records from 2004 are now TEN YEARS OLD, and can be found (for a small
fee) here: http://www.lulu.com/shop/eric-singel/erics-daily-horoscope-2004/paperback/product-300894.html
?
Thank Gawd We didn’t stray from the point.
****************************************
In celebrity birthday
news, We were concerned that YouPeople were all making your way to your
workplaces in the middle of the back-alley abortion that is today’s weather,
until We realized that it is Zayn Malik’s birthday, so you probably all have
the day off.
Avoid the impulse
to critique every little thing today (That is the stupidest thing We’ve ever
heard.)
(Heh. See what We did there?)
— there are enough
people doing that! (Yes, but We do it the best.)
Just make sure
that you’re available when others ask you for advice. (Why? What did these “others” ever do for Us?)
Then you can be
free with criticism. (Actually, We’re
awfully good at criticism…it would be nice if We could find a way to charge for
it.)
You need to face
it (This face seats five. Also, this
face is leaving in two minutes…be on it.)
— you are just feeling less energetic than
usual today, (We’re pretty sure that the only thing less energetic than We usually
are is death. Are We dead? Because if We’re dead, We can probably stop
typing, yes?)
(Of course, as far
as most of Our Gentle Readers know, We could have been dead all last week.)
and it shows. (Good
lord…is this still the same sentence?)
(It just occurred
to Us that We mentioned Justin Bieber earlier, and didn’t put Our Justin Bieber
video in here. So here ya go. (Don’t Cher it with nobody or nothin’.)):
How can you get
your groove back? (Ask Stella.)
(That right there
was a litter-hairy illusion. ‘Cause We’re
cultured and shit.)
There are two
equal and opposite actions you could take. (There usually are. But as Our ass(tromalogical) ho(roscopulist),
shouldn’t you be telling Us which one to choose?)
The first is to
simply rest (In pieces? (See earlier
death reference.))
— especially if
you’ve been overworked lately. (Not to mention underpaid.)
The second is to
force yourself to get moving, especially if you’ve been the lethargic lately. (Justin
Bieber’s Underoos™!)
(We have no idea.)
Whichever you
choose, act soon! (Well, DUH. Call before midnight tonight, and get a free
set of Ginsu steak knives. To cut up
your Ginsu steak with. (What the hell
kind of animal is a Ginsu?))
Don’t pass up an
offer to join your pal on a double date. (But if he’s already on a double date,
wouldn’t that make Us a fifth wheel?)
Although past
experience tells you to avoid it like the plague, give this one a chance. (All
We are saying is, “Give peas a chance”.)
(We’re not really
saying that. We hate peas. Always have.)
Even if the
romance falls short, you’ll meet someone new and interesting. (Is anyone else
thinking Zayn Malik wearing Justin Bieber’s Underoos™? Just Us?
Alrighty, then.)
Namaste, MotherFuckers.
In gaseousness,
Starzina Starfish-Browne
(Your Your-O-Scopes:
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think
of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say
(and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical)
ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our
Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better
by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
*****************************************************************************
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has
Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on
the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian
helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
