Hello, Ducks!
Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your
Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for In Depends™ Day Eve, July 3nd , 2014.
Happy Birthday to Brian, who turns
twenty-four today right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back. Also, Happy Birthday to Miriam, who also
turns twenty-four today, also right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.
And, last but not Lee Strasberg, Happy Birthday to Wally, who also turns
twenty-four today. In, as it turns out,
Maine. Where, presumably, the rain
falls plainly on the sane. Or something.
Whaddaya want from Us, comedy? We are currently waiting for The Cable Person
to show up. OurHouseWhereWeLive is clearly about to fall down around Our very
ears. You will recall Our recent AC
debacle, and Our ongoing inability to stick Our buns in Our oven? Well, now Our idiot box is on the fritz. On the plus size, Our assz. On the plus SIDE, because they want you to
keep sucking the cable tit, they will come and fix it for free.
Of course, this being an episode of Our life, We all know that when they
come? They will Not. Be. Cute.
As if it were (subjunctively) not enough that
inanimate objects were rebelling against Us, apparently people are beginning to
imagine that they can fuck with Us as well. But guess what, People Who Think
They Can Fuck With Us? Ya know that old
saying, “Fool Us once, shame on you; fool Us twice, shame on Us”? Well, there’s a seldom-quoted third part to
that that goes, “Try to fool Us a third time, guess what? Somebody forgot to tell you We bought Ourself
an industrial-strength flamethrower, Bee-Yotch!”
Who, Us?
Overreact?
As
you can probably tell, We got nothin’.
In other other other news, We find Ourselves
(not that We were looking for Us, but it’s a figger of speech) in the sign of Cancer,
Our video for which is above …and here is the link with which you may share it
with your friends: http://youtu.be/e-EpBAfem_M ))).
Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in
a tree, here is Our previous Cancer video, which is the second
Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video
We ever made. Just look how far We’ve
come! (Ooops…did that get in your eye?):
And here’s the HorrorScope:
In celebrity birthday news, Thomas Gibson of Dharma and Greg fame, Hunter Tylo of The Bold and the Beautiful fame, and Tom Cruise of batshit-crazy fame are
all the exact same age today. In related
news, they were all the exact same age yesterday, and will all be the exact
same age tomorrow as well.
Meanwhile, Micro$oft Weird™ would have Us
believe that “batshit” is not a word. As
if “guano-crazy” makes any damn sense. Nana, nana, nana, nana, nana, nana,
nana, nana…batshit! Batshit! BATSHIT!
A minor health problem may fan the flames of
hypochondria today — but you may as well get it checked out, just in case. (Perhaps
it is just Us, but if One has an ACTUAL health problem, AND One is on fire,
perhaps hypochondria is not exactly One’s first concern? Because words? Have meanings, you fucking AssHatt.)
While you’re at it, you may as well adjust
your life to be more healthful. (We are
guessing that, by “more healthful”, Kelli The AssHatt means “healthier”. She is apparently ESL (Engrish is her
Seventy-Elebbenf Language. After Pig
Latin, Stupid, and The Grunts That A Retarded Hedgehog Makes When Straining To
Poop).)
Why limit yourself? (We’re waiting for The
Cable Person…We have to amuse Ourself somehow.)
Today offers wonderful experiences for every
one of your senses — including your sixth. (What about Our nonsenses?)
Take full advantage of every opportunity and
keep your eyes and ears wide open. (Not
to mention Uranus.)
(No, really….don’t mention it.)
Not only will you be handsomely rewarded, but
you will discover a few new playful obsessions. (By Calvin Klein?)
The best way to find new stimulation is by
experimenting, so step outside your comfort zone and investigate some
intriguing new flavors, sights and sounds!
(So it turns out that the “mystery flavors” of Dum-Dum™ lollipops? Exist because they don’t want to halt
production and clean out the pipes when they switch between flavors, so they
just label the sludge from in between a “mystery”. Where the hell is Scooby-Doo when ya need
him?)
You’ve got a talent for asking intriguing
questions, (Do We? Really?)
(Heh..
See what We did there?)
handing out creative compliments and
delivering hilarious quips today. (We just reviewed this e-pissode, and We fear
that “hilarious” may be a bit of a stretch…)
It’s just what you need for flirty
interactions, whether they’re online or in real-time. (You mean “real life”,
no? Because “online” and “real-time”
aren’t necessarily opposites. Assmunch.)
Namaste, MotherFuckers.
In gaseousness,
Starzina Starfish-Browne
(Your Your-O-Scopes:
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think
of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say
(and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical)
ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our
Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better
by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
*****************************************************************************
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has
Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on
the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian
helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
No comments:
Post a Comment