Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for In Depends™ Day Eve, July 3nd , 2014.
Happy Birthday to Brian, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back. Also, Happy Birthday to Miriam, who also turns twenty-four today, also right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles. And, last but not Lee Strasberg, Happy Birthday to Wally, who also turns twenty-four today. In, as it turns out, Maine. Where, presumably, the rain falls plainly on the sane. Or something.
Whaddaya want from Us, comedy? We are currently waiting for The Cable Person to show up. OurHouseWhereWeLive is clearly about to fall down around Our very ears. You will recall Our recent AC debacle, and Our ongoing inability to stick Our buns in Our oven? Well, now Our idiot box is on the fritz. On the plus size, Our assz. On the plus SIDE, because they want you to keep sucking the cable tit, they will come and fix it for free.
Of course, this being an episode of Our life, We all know that when they come? They will Not. Be. Cute.
As if it were (subjunctively) not enough that inanimate objects were rebelling against Us, apparently people are beginning to imagine that they can fuck with Us as well. But guess what, People Who Think They Can Fuck With Us? Ya know that old saying, “Fool Us once, shame on you; fool Us twice, shame on Us”? Well, there’s a seldom-quoted third part to that that goes, “Try to fool Us a third time, guess what? Somebody forgot to tell you We bought Ourself an industrial-strength flamethrower, Bee-Yotch!”
Who, Us? Overreact?
As you can probably tell, We got nothin’.
In other other other news, We find Ourselves (not that We were looking for Us, but it’s a figger of speech) in the sign of Cancer, Our video for which is above …and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends: http://youtu.be/e-EpBAfem_M ))).
Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is Our previous Cancer video, which is the second Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video We ever made. Just look how far We’ve come! (Ooops…did that get in your eye?):
And here’s the HorrorScope:
In celebrity birthday news, Thomas Gibson of Dharma and Greg fame, Hunter Tylo of The Bold and the Beautiful fame, and Tom Cruise of batshit-crazy fame are all the exact same age today. In related news, they were all the exact same age yesterday, and will all be the exact same age tomorrow as well.
Meanwhile, Micro$oft Weird™ would have Us believe that “batshit” is not a word. As if “guano-crazy” makes any damn sense. Nana, nana, nana, nana, nana, nana, nana, nana…batshit! Batshit! BATSHIT!
A minor health problem may fan the flames of hypochondria today — but you may as well get it checked out, just in case. (Perhaps it is just Us, but if One has an ACTUAL health problem, AND One is on fire, perhaps hypochondria is not exactly One’s first concern? Because words? Have meanings, you fucking AssHatt.)
While you’re at it, you may as well adjust your life to be more healthful. (We are guessing that, by “more healthful”, Kelli The AssHatt means “healthier”. She is apparently ESL (Engrish is her Seventy-Elebbenf Language. After Pig Latin, Stupid, and The Grunts That A Retarded Hedgehog Makes When Straining To Poop).)
Why limit yourself? (We’re waiting for The Cable Person…We have to amuse Ourself somehow.)
Today offers wonderful experiences for every one of your senses — including your sixth. (What about Our nonsenses?)
Take full advantage of every opportunity and keep your eyes and ears wide open. (Not to mention Uranus.)
(No, really….don’t mention it.)
Not only will you be handsomely rewarded, but you will discover a few new playful obsessions. (By Calvin Klein?)
The best way to find new stimulation is by experimenting, so step outside your comfort zone and investigate some intriguing new flavors, sights and sounds! (So it turns out that the “mystery flavors” of Dum-Dum™ lollipops? Exist because they don’t want to halt production and clean out the pipes when they switch between flavors, so they just label the sludge from in between a “mystery”. Where the hell is Scooby-Doo when ya need him?)
You’ve got a talent for asking intriguing questions, (Do We? Really?)
(Heh.. See what We did there?)
handing out creative compliments and delivering hilarious quips today. (We just reviewed this e-pissode, and We fear that “hilarious” may be a bit of a stretch…)
It’s just what you need for flirty interactions, whether they’re online or in real-time. (You mean “real life”, no? Because “online” and “real-time” aren’t necessarily opposites. Assmunch.)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.