Hello, Ducks!
Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your
Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for GoodPieRupeeTuesday, July 1rd , 2014.
Happy Birthday to Gina, who turns twenty-four
today right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.
Also, Happy Birthday to Amos, who also turns
twenty-four today, somewhere in Chassamusetts, which We’re just gonna go right
ahead and assume (thereby causing alarming contemplation/comparisons of Uma Thurman
and Hume Cronyn’s respective asses) is in Greater Bostonia, because, really,
with Our limited geographical abilities, shouldn’t ALL of Chassamusetts be
considered Greater Bostonia?
As We were reviewing today’s birthdays, Our
eyes wandered ahead in the week to Friday, which is, of course, the 4th
of July, and where what to Our wandering eyes should appear (kiss Us quick, it’s
Christmas in July) but the fact that We know eight, count ‘em, EIGHT, people
who were Born On The Fourth Of July.
(Ya know, like in that song: “...a real live
nephew of Jean-Claude van Damme, Born On The Fourth Of July”. (We have no idea what Jean-Claude van Damme’s
relatives have to do with anything, but go with Us here. (Meanwhile, if
Jean-Claude van Damme is really so tough, why doesn’t he spell it “Jean-Claude
van Damn”? Because how gay is “Damme”?)))
This octet (OctoMom? Octopussy?) of birthdays all on the same day
is clearly an Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! record of some sort, which caused Us to
wonder if We had ever commented on same in the past….
Go here to amuse yourselves, if you dare:
We are, meanwhile, eating the very last piece
of last week’s ho-made pecan pie with real molasses and extra dark chocolate as
We type this. Because, when you are A
Grown-Up, you can have pie for breakfast if you want. (Somebody call Dan Savage…We have just
accidentally hit upon the quintessential “It
Gets Better” video.)
In other news, We find Ourselves
(not that We were looking for Us, but it’s a figger of speech) in the sign of Cancer,
Our video for which is above …and here is the link with which you may share it
with your friends: http://youtu.be/e-EpBAfem_M ))).
Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in
a tree, here is Our previous Cancer video, which is the second
Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video
We ever made. Just look how far We’ve
come! (Ooops…did that get in your eye?):
And here’s the HorrorScope:
In celebrity birthday news, it is Britlandish television star Mitch Hewer’s
birthday today. (Before all you snobbish
Yanks say, “Who???”, Google his foine ass on Wikipedia. (You’re welcome.))
A child is the key to your happiness today. (That can’t be right…Our oven still isn’t
working.)
If you’re a parent, that’s a no-brainer, (So
many parents, in fact, have no brains.)
but if
not, you may find yourself drawn to a friend’s family, or you may just end up
helping a lost kid at the park. (Yeah. Because “talk to strange children at the park”
is totally on Our agenda for the day.)
Ready to show the world what you’re made of? (Lettuce just check that Our colostomy bag
matches Our shoes…)
Bet you are, and they’re ready to see it all.
(We guarantee you, they are not nearly
as ready as you think.)
Expect one of your new admirers (Wait…what?)
to possibly even bridge the gap between
friend and lover — or to at least give it a shot. (Shooting at Us is not the
way to bridge that gap. Just sayin’.)
If you’re interested, this could be the
beginning of a bee-yootiful friendship. (“Bee-yootiful”? Seriously?
What the motherfucking fuckety-fuck izzat?)
If you’re not, try to let them down easy. (We
are the easiest person We know. (Try to
tell as many people as you can.))
Be generous with your attention today. (Sorry…did you say something?)
Resist the urge to tune others out to get
things done. (Sorry…did you say something?)
Seize the moment and remain present. (Sorry…did
you say something?)
(See What We Did There?)
(No, really….SEE?)
Namaste, MotherFuckers.
In gaseousness,
Starzina Starfish-Browne
(Your Your-O-Scopes:
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think
of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say
(and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical)
ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our
Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better
by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
*****************************************************************************
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has
Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on
the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian
helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
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