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Tuesday, July 1, 2014

O, Canada! That ho Jean-Claude van Damme!

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for GoodPieRupeeTuesday, July 1rd  , 2014.

Happy Birthday to Gina, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.  

 Also, Happy Birthday to Amos, who also turns twenty-four today, somewhere in Chassamusetts, which We’re just gonna go right ahead and assume (thereby causing alarming contemplation/comparisons of Uma Thurman and Hume Cronyn’s respective asses) is in Greater Bostonia, because, really, with Our limited geographical abilities, shouldn’t ALL of Chassamusetts be considered Greater Bostonia?

As We were reviewing today’s birthdays, Our eyes wandered ahead in the week to Friday, which is, of course, the 4th of July, and where what to Our wandering eyes should appear (kiss Us quick, it’s Christmas in July) but the fact that We know eight, count ‘em, EIGHT, people who  were Born On The Fourth Of July.

(Ya know, like in that song: “...a real live nephew of Jean-Claude van Damme, Born On The Fourth Of July”.  (We have no idea what Jean-Claude van Damme’s relatives have to do with anything, but go with Us here. (Meanwhile, if Jean-Claude van Damme is really so tough, why doesn’t he spell it “Jean-Claude van Damn”?  Because how gay is “Damme”?)))

This octet (OctoMom?  Octopussy?) of birthdays all on the same day is clearly an Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! record of some sort, which caused Us to wonder if We had ever commented on same in the past….

{Way-Back Machine sound effects}

Go here to amuse yourselves, if you dare:

{/Way-Back Machine sound effects}

Also, Happy O Canada Day to all of Our O Canadianese Gentle Readers.  (Hi, Nat!)

We are, meanwhile, eating the very last piece of last week’s ho-made pecan pie with real molasses and extra dark chocolate as We type this.  Because, when you are A Grown-Up, you can have pie for breakfast if you want.  (Somebody call Dan Savage…We have just accidentally hit upon the quintessential “It Gets Better” video.)

In other news, We find Ourselves (not that We were looking for Us, but it’s a figger of speech) in the sign of Cancer, Our video for which is above …and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends: ))).


Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is Our previous Cancer video, which is the second  Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video We ever made.  Just look how far We’ve come! (Ooops…did that get in your eye?):

And here’s the HorrorScope:

In celebrity birthday news,  it is Britlandish television star Mitch Hewer’s birthday today.  (Before all you snobbish Yanks say, “Who???”, Google his foine ass on Wikipedia.  (You’re welcome.))

 A child is the key to your happiness today.  (That can’t be right…Our oven still isn’t working.)

If you’re a parent, that’s a no-brainer, (So many parents, in fact, have no brains.)

 but if not, you may find yourself drawn to a friend’s family, or you may just end up helping a lost kid at the park.  (Yeah.  Because “talk to strange children at the park” is totally on Our agenda for the day.)

Ready to show the world what you’re made of?  (Lettuce just check that Our colostomy bag matches Our shoes…)

Bet you are, and they’re ready to see it all.  (We guarantee you, they are not nearly as ready as you think.)

Expect one of your new admirers (Wait…what?)

to possibly even bridge the gap between friend and lover — or to at least give it a shot. (Shooting at Us is not the way to bridge that gap.  Just sayin’.)

If you’re interested, this could be the beginning of a bee-yootiful friendship.  (“Bee-yootiful”?  Seriously?  What the motherfucking fuckety-fuck izzat?)

If you’re not, try to let them down easy. (We are the easiest person We know.  (Try to tell as many people as you can.))

Be generous with your attention today.  (Sorry…did you say something?)

Resist the urge to tune others out to get things done. (Sorry…did you say something?)

Make eye contact and truly listen to the conversation. (Sorry…did you say something?)

Seize the moment and remain present. (Sorry…did you say something?)

Your focus will be rewarded. (Sorry…did you say something?)

(See What We Did There?)

(No, really….SEE?)

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.