Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for In Depends™ Day, July 4nd , 2014.
You might think We would have the day off, what with it being the celebration of Bertha Venation and all, but, oh, Our dears, no! Why, with eight, count ‘em, EIGHT of Our nearest-and-dearest SitOnMyFaceBook friends celebrating their nativities today, to take the day off and not wish them all many happy re-runs of Joanie Loves Chachi would have been downright un-American. Possibly even Communistic. And, while We are indeed many things (only some of which can be mentioned aloud in a family-friendly horoscope like this one), We are most emphatically NOT a Communist, communes being smelly, and roach-infested, and full of Other People who Touch Your Stuff (and NOT in a good way).
So, without further adieu, adieu, to yieu and yieu and yieu-oo:
Happy Birthday to Michael, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back. Also, Happy Birthday to Gabrielle, who also turns twenty-four today, also right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.
Not to mention, Happy Birthday to Philly Warmth (did We just say “not to mention” and then mention it anyway? Oh, well…it’s a holiday. For SOME people.).
Happy Birthday also to Bob, who turns twenty-four today in Hopewell, New Jersey, where it is rumored that We once actually danced in public. (We use the term “danced” very (very) loosely.)
In addition, Happy Birthday to Danny, who also turns twenty-four today, and who can be seen enhancing the cinematography of one of Our little fillums here:
Speaking of perfect-ten specimens of cinematographically appealing young masculinity, Happy Birthday also to Sean, who is actually still in rehearsal for turning twenty-four. (Is it just Us, or are men named Sean just automatically seven times more attractive than everybody else? We really must do some sort of a scientific study…)
And, last but not Lee Strasberg, Happy Birthday to OurAmericanCousin Kim, who also turns twenty-four today, right here in The Birth Canal Of Our Nation, and to OurAmericanCousin Jennifer, who turns twenty-four today in Northern Cambria. The typing of which has just caused Us to realize that, after all these years of hearing about Northern Cambria, We have no idea where Southern Cambria is.
In addition to typing Our fingers to the bone for YouPeople, We are also currently in the process of laundering Our unmentionables. (Does it seem to anyone else as though mentioning One’s unmentionables by referring to them as unmentionable is one of those inexplicable paradoxes of Modern Life? Kind of like, if Helen Keller falls down in a forest, is there sound?)
In other other other news, We find Ourselves (not that We were looking for Us, but it’s a figger of speech) in the sign of Cancer, Our video for which is above …and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends: http://youtu.be/e-EpBAfem_M ))).
Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is Our previous Cancer video, which is the second Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video We ever made. Just look how far We’ve come! (Ooops…did that get in your eye?):
And here’s the HorrorScope:
In celebrity birthday news, until Malia Obama grows up to become President, the only President born on the fourth of July was Calvin Coolidge, and how boring izzat?
I’m a fan of Pecan Sandies™
Pee-can Sandies™, pecan pie
A real live nephew of Jean-Claude van Damme
Born on the Fourth of July
We have to go move Our Tuesday panties form the washer to the drier, so We are bringing you A Reading From Madame Olivia:
A warm welcome back to Madame Olivia.
Okay, Madame Olivia is going to divulge her secret to staying on a mindful eating track: do not eat cold cereal for breakfast. Mais non! Instead, feature protein. Starting the day with too many refined carbs can lead to craving more carbs. This is a physiological fact. You'll see how starting the day with protein changes your eating for the better throughout the day. Try it. (Of course, the occasional exception must be made in the service of joy or celebration. You'll know when.)
Dear Aries, those big outer planets are lining up in a way that is roiling the heavens and creating a heck of a wake. Madame Olivia suggests you call on your fabled resilience to ride the waves to your best advantage. This means being clear-eyed about what is unavoidable (the aforementioned waves) and what you have control over (how low you can stay crouched on your board, both for balance and steering). It is a certainty that you will emerge for the better.
Bright green is going to be important
Good-bye for now. Warmest wishes from Madame Olivia until we meet again.
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.