Hello, Ducks!
Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your
Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for Hump Day, July 30nd, 2014.
Happy birthday to Sydette, who turns
twenty-four today in New York. New York,
New York, The City That Doesn’t Sleep (With Us).
Happy birthday also to Lee, who also turns
twenty-four today, right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.
Happy birthday also too to (heh…she said
“tutu”) Ell, who also too turns twenty-four today, also too in The City That
Loves You (On Your) Back.
And happy belated birthday to Bob, and Eddie,
and Sarah, and Erica, who turned twenty-four yesterday, while We were In
Absentia. Drinking absinthe.
Abyssinia…in all the old familiar places…
Oh, shut up.
(Parenthetically (hence the parentheses), may
We just point out that not only does the aforementioned Erica have the fabulous
name of “Erica”, but also, she is a Leo, thereby making her exponentially more
fabulous than We already knew her to be.)
Speaking of Leo, Leonardo DiCaprio.
Also, We have moved into the sign of Leo,
which contains, amongst other things, the highest percentage of sexxxy-assz
mens in the zodiac. Our Leo video is
above, and here is the link with which you may Cher it with your friends: http://youtu.be/6kCzNp1JtDo
In other news, the
WorldWideInterWebNetz are all abuzz today, as it appears that Orlando Bloom
threw a punch at Justin Bieber. In
Ibiza.
Because Mister Bieber is
such an easy target, the WorldWideInterWebNetzian response to the incident
seems to be running ten-to-one along the lines of “Yeah, way to go, beat the
little bitch.”
Now, never let it be said
that We Our Own Self Personally have not taken pot-shots at The Bieber. Here, for example, is Our video with Mister
Bieber (which will also serve as a birthday present for the aforementioned
Erica, who was mentioned earlier, as she will no doubt recognize this
particular incarnation of His Bieberness):
But, seriously,
InterNetz? All the juicy bits that are
gloriously, hideously wrong with this story, and all you can come up with is “Beat
The Bieber”?
For example, Mister Bieber
is not even twenty-one years old yet.
Mister Bloom is pushing forty. We
Our Own Self Personally are, of course, only twenty-four, but We would
definitely feel creepy throwing a punch at someone who is not even an adult
yet.
(Needless to say (and yet
saying it anyway, as One invariably does after saying “needless to say”), if We
were (subjunctively) to throw a punch
at anybody, it would no doubt originate in a crystal punch glass, and contain
champagne and sliced strawberries. We’re
just sayin’.)
Also, neither Mister Bieber
nor Mister Bloom is American. Nor are
they Middle Eastern. They are from
Canada and Great Britain, respectively, where people have manners and are
civilized. The hell?
Also, gentlemen, you are in
Ibiza. Now, We don’t know about YOU, but
We know exactly the last time We were
fortunate enough to be in Ibiza, which was, oh, We don’t know, NEVER. So you’re in a fabulous place like Ibiza, and
the best thing you can think of to do is engage in fisticuffs? How ‘bout you go sit in a corner and think
about how fucking lucky you are that you get to go fabulous places like Ibiza
when most of the rest of the world doesn’t?
The altercation was
allegedly about Mister Bloom’s ex-wife, Miranda Kerr, whom Mister Bieber has
allegedly dated. A forty year old and a
twenty year old dating the same woman, you say?
Turns out she’s thirty-one, so it’s not as creepy as it originally
sounded, but still, you GO, Mister Bieber!
Speaking of which, the
evidence of Our video to the contrary, We have seen neither Mister Bieber nor
Mister Bloom’s genitalia. However, regardless of the relative dimensions
of each, it is unwise for a forty year old to have a dick-measuring contest
with a twenty year old, because no matter whose dick is bigger, the twenty year
old’s can do a whole lot more things repeatedly and in rapid succession.
Just sayin’.
Now, if you’ll excuse Us, We
need to go celebrate Delta Burke’s birthday.
Here, in lieu of call-and-response with AssHatted Ass(tromalogical)
Ho(roscopulist) Kelli, is a reading from Madame Olivia:
Greetings Starzina ~
It is very good to see you again.
Madame Olivia wonders if like most of us, you
sometimes slip into the clutches of an emotional loop without realizing it:
something annoying happens and you find yourself in a swirl of negative
thoughts that won't seem to let go. To get out of this, ask yourself two
questions: 1) what is the evidence that my interpretation is right? (There
might not be much.) And 2) Are there alternative explanations? (There
undoubtedly are.) Asking these two questions can help you talk yourself out of
many difficult and painful places.
Everybody thinks you're so tough, Aries, but
they don't know your tender center. Madame Olivia thinks it is time for you to
begin to show that vulnerable side to a few select people. Be choosy but brave;
take the risk with a few people you trust. You'll forge stronger connections
with them and ironically make discoveries about yourself.
Circles and round things will be of import in
the near future
Madame Olivia wishes you the best of the best
until we meet again.
Namaste, MotherFuckers.
In gaseousness,
Starzina Starfish-Browne
(Your Your-O-Scopes:
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think
of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say
(and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical)
ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our
Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better
by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids,
asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and
Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
*****************************************************************************
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has
Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on
the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian
helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
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