Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for, July 16nd , 2014.
Happy Birthday to Richard, who turns twenty-four today right here near The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.
Happy Belated Birthday, meanwhile, to Ed, Ty, Justin, Paul, Renee, Krystal, Connie, Scott, Loretta, Lizzie, Vicki, Zach, Joe, Kathleen, Michael, Steve, Mike, Ankit, Matt, Leslie, Michael, Jeff, Jonathan, and, last but not Lee Strasberg, OurAmericanCousins Tracie and Jonetta.
(Parenthetically (hence the parentheses), We should like to point out that, of the fifteen gentlemen on today’s Belated Birthday list, We have seen two nekkid and one almost nekkid. (Being as ladylike as We are, We cannot, of course, reveal which ones, but We are thinking that, particularly for Us, those are reasonably good stats.))
The Belated Birthday list is so long (not unlike the nekkid and almost-nekkid gentlemen) because We have been away. We were poolside at The Sainted Mother’s for a week, followed by a weekend of family reunionation at Seven Springs (which see: http://www.7springs.com/ ) Of course, because We are Us, Celebrity Lifeguard Glee’s Chord Overstreet (see above) did not put in an appearance at said pool until the one day We were NOT poolside. Sigh.
Because We are WorldWideInterWebNetzianly-savvy, We do not advertise such absences in advance, lest malefactors intent on plunder denude OurHouseWhereWeLive of Our worldly possessions.
(Our worldly possessions consist, at this point, of two nickels. Which We occasionally rub together. For heat.)
We would ask if you missed Us, but, as only one person who was uninformed of Our departure inquired after Our well-being, We are guessing that We already know the answer. We are also guessing that, living alone as We do, it would be unwise for Us to fall and be unable to get up.
In other other other news, We find Ourselves (not that We were looking for Us, but it’s a figger of speech) in the sign of Cancer, Our video for which is above …and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends: http://youtu.be/e-EpBAfem_M ))).
Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is Our previous Cancer video, which is the second Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video We ever made. Just look how far We’ve come! (Ooops…did that get in your eye?):
And here’s the HorrorScope:
Has it really been a whole year since hottie James Maslow’s last birthday? Thyme fries when you’re hassling nuns. Here is a link to last year’s James Maslow birthday celebration e-pissode, where you will want to go if only for the photographic evidence of his hottitude. (Also, because it’s a much more funner e-pissode than this one):
Seriously, go read that. We’re outtie.
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.