E-lim-in-ate the negatives

(Do the chirren even know what “negatives” are?)

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Monet, May 7, 2012.  Happy birthday to Our American Cousin Pat, who turns twenty-four today.  Also, happy birthday to Jackie, who also turns twenty-four today.  And Happy Labour Day to Our Australian friends in Queensland, Happy May Day to Our Australian friends in the Northern Territory, and Happy Bank Holiday to all of Our friends in Ireland. And their shillelaghs.  (It must be awfully complexicated to actually live in Australia…all the states and territories celebrate different holidays, summer is actually winter, and your poo goes down the loo in the wrong direction. )

Your Poo Goes Down The Loo is, of course Our new children’s book.  Kiss Us quick, We’re Dr. Seuss.  (Micro$oft Weird™, meanwhile, would have Us believe that neither “poo” nor “loo” is a word.  They are too, scroo yoo, and Horton Hears A Hoo-Hoo. (Horton Hears A Hoo-Hoo is Our Afterschool Special-sequel to Horton Hears A Hoo, in which preschoolers learn about queefing.))

(Have you noticed lately how Our humor is so high-brow, it’s practically sliding down the back of Our head?)

Speaking of high-brow humor, if you are free this evening and happen to be wandering aimlessly about suburbia, you will want to touch down in Ambler (where da fuck izzat?) at Act II Playhouse to see Bech and Doh Go To Camp! featuring The Lovely And Talented Michael Doherty, star of Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: Pisces (http://youtu.be/qqEjYYBFxG4 ),  as well as some other theatrical crap here in Philadelphia and its suburbs.   Here is the info:

Monday Night, Act II's Playhouse presents its May Cabaret:

Bech and Doh Go to Camp!

An evening of songs, sketches, and skidoo
from the irreverent minds of Alex Bechtel, Rachel Camp, and Michael Doherty

directed by Greg Nix

Monday, May 7 at  7 p.m.

Tickets: $20, but $12 for TAGP listserv members (simply mention this email!)
Purchase Tickets by calling 215-654-0200
Or visit http://www.act2.org

Three Entertaining Barrymore Winners ~ One Night Only!

Act II Playhouse
56 E. Butler Ave.
Ambler, PA 19002
http://www.act2.org
215-654-0200

Now, We Our Own Self Personally will not be at the aforementioned theatrical extravaganza, as We will be busy Molding Young Minds at Drexel University.  Because We’re classy and give back like that.  Why oh why can’t people learn that the first step in scheduling any one-night-only event is to check with Us regarding OUR schedule to see if We are free?  Because (repeat after Us) it is All. About. Us.

Sigh.

Also, gentlemen, you will notice that We have amended your show’s title, because you don’t call a show “Bech and Doh Go To Camp” when you can call it “Bech and Doh Go To Camp!”  Because what in life ISN’T better with a big bold bang at the end?  You’re welcome.  (Also, WTF is “skidoo”?)

Speaking of theatrical extravaganzas, (We just mistyped “extravaganzas” in such a way as to suggest “extra vaginas”.  We have no idea what that would mean.  We are kind of hoping that it would be just a vulgar way to refer to more than one woman.  Because if there’s only one woman involved, the plural of “extra vaginas” truly gives Us pause.  Surely ONE extra vagina in addition to the normal one would be distressing enough…)

(We have now clearly lost all of Our str8 boi readers for the rest of this e-pissode.)

At any rate, speaking of theatrical extravaganzas, thanks to everyone who came out to see The WaitStaff Plays The Match Game!   (See how that bang-at-the-end works, bois?  (You DID read that in your best Mae West voice, didn’t you?  No?  Fine…we’ll wait while you go back.))  We had so much fun doing it that We promptly scheduled some more dates:  Thursday, June 7 and Friday, June 8 at L’Etage.  And YouLuckyPeople are hearing about it here first!  Details will follow, but mark your calendars now! (Audience members had so much fun this last round that some of ‘em came back again!)

This e-pissode is truly becoming epic, or We would tell you all about how much We enjoy Enormous Changes At The Last Minute.  So there’s something to which to look forward for next time.

On another subject, here is a link to Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: Taurus: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KlqQw4TppqY which you can use to share it with your very own personal friends who are currently birthdaying.  Not, of course, that anyone has ever actually done this, but We live in hope.

And here, because its brilliance cannot be overstated, is Our new motto:  Uranus is Our Rosebud.

And now, the HorrorScope:

Something big comes down and upsets you early on, (Having lost all of Our str8 boi readers to the contemplation of extra vaginas, We can safely say that (A.) the last big thing We saw was in Justin Bieber’s pants and (2.) it did not upset Us. (Most of the time, We fulfill Our mission to make YouPeople feel better by comparison to Us.  But every now and then We enjoy making you pee green with ennui.))

but you should be able to rebound (It has just this minute dawned upon Us that “rebound” is some sort of sports term. Which is why it never seems to be accompanied by “regagged”.  That has been puzzling Us for YEARS.)

— after all, you are stronger than most. (Well, We haven’t performed Our ablutions yet this morning.  Plus, We’ve just queefed.  (Ya hear that, Horton?))

(Is it just Us, or are there an awful lot more vagina jokes than usual in here this morning?  Str8 bois will be lining up to lick Our front door knob.)

(Yes, “lick Our front door knob” IS a euphemism.  How clever of you to notice.)

Just make sure that you’re not actively ignoring anything problematic.  (Ducks, have you met Us?  We are ignoring EVERYTHING problematic.)

Keeping things light and carefree (The only thing Carefree™ around here are Our pantiliners.)

(Ooops, We did it again…)

can be tricky when you’re up to your neck in some heavy business, (Or up to your business in some heavy necking.  (Lick the front door!))

 but you can manage to do so with grace today. (Who the hell is Grace?)

What’s the reason for your cool, calm and collected demeanor?  (Recreational drugs.)

Confidence, plain and simple. (See, if this were (subjunctively) a 50s musical, that would have been a song cue.  Of course, if this were (subjunctively) a 50s musical, “vagina” could only be implied.)

You know deep down in your (Vagina?)

gut (Okay.)

that this project or task is going to go off without a hitch. (But NOT without a bitch.)

While others fret and worry, (Also, wet and furry.  (Ooops….We lost the str8 bois again.))

you can continue to picture the celebration you’ll have once it’s all over. (Our front door knob is all a-quiver with antici….pation.)

Keep up the positive thinking!  (But should We ac-cent-u-ate it?)

Things go wrong, (DUH.)

but that doesn’t mean you need to push the panic button. (Mainly because there’s an “Out Of Order” sign on it.)

Keep your cool even in the hottest situations and you could end up impressing a secret admirer. (Which won’t do Us much good if they keep their impressedness a secret.)

(Oh, “impressedness” is so too a word!  Shove it up your hoo-hoo, Micro$oft Weird™!)

(See?  Two bangs for the price of one, right in the end.  Our madd marketing skillz, let Us show them to you.)

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

                            

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

Why do birds suddenly appear every time you drink beer?

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Here She Comes Now Sayin’ Manet Monet, August Fifteenf, 2011. We are reproducing the Erix Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Adolph Hitler’s Evil Siamese Twin in case you missed it on SitOnOurFaceBook, where We did not also post its companion piece, which is subtitled, “Jeebus, Marcus, watch the teeth!” (It is the editorial policy of Erix Daily Horoscope not to dignify these Spawns Of Satan by mentioning their actual names within these pages.  For example, never once since the 2008 election have We named by name that stupid twat who couldn’t even last a whole term as governor of Alaska.  Meanwhile, this festering bitch from the Left Side Of Hell complete with vagina dentata makes the aforementioned twat look like the Bobbsey Twins on a picnic.)

Micro$oft Weird™ would like Us to change the second occurrence of “twat” in the preceding paragraph to “that”.  How ‘bout We split the difference and change it to “cunt”?

Meanwhile, you are no doubt aware that “vagina dentata” is meant to be sung to the tune of “Hakuna Matata” from The Lion King.

We just had to claw Our way up out of this genital badinage to answer the door, where a UPS lesbian presented US with Our Wedding Consultant  publicity postcards.  It may interest you to know that 3000 postcards?  Weigh 27 pounds.  Or it may not.  We don’t really give a shit.

So do you have your tickets to The Wedding Consultant yet? Seriously…do NOT fuck with Us on this one; We are NOT kidding.  http://ticketing.theatrealliance.org/sites/livearts/details.aspx?id=19622

Meanwhile, “Genital Badinage” was both Our nickname and our favorite pastime in high school.

In still other news, We had a dream this weekend which involved Jeffery Self, star of Logo’s Jeffery and Cole Casserole.   Because We are a big whore, We SitOnOurFaceBook-messaged him to tell him about it.  Because We are an even bigger whore, We are sharing that message with you:

Dear Jeffery,

Ordinarily, I don't tell people about their appearances in my dreams, especially if I don't know them personally. (I'm a little gun-shy since the Johnny Depp/restraining order incident.) But I thought I would make an exception and share this story with you.

In my dream, I was visiting my friend TCBITWWW (hi, TCBITWWW!) in LA. We were sitting in his living room with the sliding glass doors that look out on the boardwalk and the beach. (In my dreams, apparently, all Californians live on beachfront property. In real life, of course, I am aware that this is not true. Some people live in West Hollywood.)

As we were chatting, you and a friend walked by outside. I waved at you, and you waved back, then kept walking past. After you had gone, I said to myself, "He's gonna come back and stop in", and lo and behold, you did.

I let you in (you left your friend outside, presumably to run for help in case we turned out to be deranged or something), introduced you to TCBITWWW, and we had a very nice conversation for several minutes before you rejoined your friend and left.

It was only after I woke up that I realized that, when I introduced you, and throughout our entire conversation, I referred to you as "Cole Escola".

No need for a restraining order; I live on the East Coast.

Have a great day!

Eric

         

Speaking of whoring, Starzina’s Time Of The Month Horoscope: Virgo video is getting ready to drop next weekend, and We couldn’t be more excited if Jeffery Self himself made Us a casserole and brought it by Our beachfront property.  Meanwhile, has a single one of you passed the Leo video on to your friends with Leo birthdays?  If not, why not?

And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for: “Grainy raisin muffins always get me down!” exclaimed Karen Carpenter as she crammed her fingers down her throat.  Or, the HorrorScope:

As impetuous as you are in love, life constantly bombards you with lessons of patience and timing. (To say nothing of unfortunately-timed bouts of ferocious flatulence.)

(No, really.  Say.  NOTHING.)

But one day, (One fine day?)

the fates will collide and you and your perfect match will find each other.  (And We will use that perfect match to light Our farts.)

(Can We sustain an entire Erix Daily Horoscope with noting but fart jokes?  Keep an eye on Uranus and see!)

Until then, live in the best of your fiery essence, Rams.  (Do We even need to say anything here?)

Your curiosity, (Which, of course, killed the cat.  However, being the cockeyed optimist that We are, where all you see is a dead cat, We see Chinese food!  Soy-sauce-and-five-spice farts all around!)

although it’s certainly a useful asset, (Heh.  Kelli said “ass”.)

 is something you should try to keep a handle on today. (Is that a handle on Our ass, or a handle on Uranus?  And is the handle more like a doorknob, or more like a broom handle?  (Doorknobs and Broomsticks was, of course, a little-known Walt Disney porn film about a French flatulence fetishist with a pheasant feather fixation.))

It’s not wise to go exploring in unknown territory; (Especially around Uranus.)

you need to do whatever you can to keep your day on track. (And here We are, putting all of Our efforts into keeping Our day on crack.)

Don’t do anything new — especially if it involves new people or unfamiliar social situations. (Farting in church, for example.)

Stick with the faces and places you know well today. (If your face is sticky, We know what places you’ve been putting it in.  Trollop.)

Today is definitely a day to go where everybody knows your name.  (Cheers, queers. (Beer farts.))

Help others reach their potential. (As Sally Struthers would tell you, just one annoying idiot can feed a tribe of cannibals for thirty-seven days. (Soylent-Green-is-people farts. (People, people who fart people, are the luckiest people in the world.)))

Sometimes all it takes is a sincere pep talk to motivate a person.  (And sometimes an insincere poop talk will do the trick.)

Believing in someone is more important than you might realize. (Especially if they are imaginary.)

(Ooops…that was the end.  Clearly, We should be ending with a fart joke…wet fart!  Who’s got a comb?)

 (Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.