Oh-ho they’re playing our song

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for FriedEgg,  December Fivest, 2014.

Happy Birthday to Katie, who turns twenty-four today, right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.

Also, Happy Birthday to Rose, who also turns twenty-four today in the suburbs of The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.

And last but not Lee Strasberg, Happy Birthday to Ren, who probably does not even turn twenty-four today, somewhere on this planet, We know not where, as he appears, by way of SitOnMyFaceBook, to be on some sort of world tour. 

Speaking of non sequiturs, We had a dream last night that had Lucie Arnaz in it. We were eating pizza together.  (Not crappy pizza, as in Our dream from the other day, which see:  http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2014/12/im-like-bird.html ) In bed.  Not in a sexual way, mind you, but in Our sweat pants.  Which sounds, now that We type it out, like a dream that Jeffery Self would have.  Except that his dream would have Debra Messing.  And Thai food.  And yoga pants.

Never mind.

So here We are on Day Five of Holidailies™ ( http://www.holidailies.org/ ) , for which We only just yesterday realized We had been omitting the trademark symbol (mea culpa, Mia Farrow, cry me a river).  So it occurred to Us that We ought to just drop in to see what condition Our condition was in.

Our very-first-ever entry two years ago (http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2012/12/i-got-my-high-heels-i-dont-need-no.html) has 503 hits. 

Our first entry from last year (http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2013/12/dick-your-balls-with-buddy-holly.html)  has 109. 

Our first entry this year ( http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2014/12/here-comes-rich-man-in-his-big-long.html) ?  52.

Sigh.

We were going to be abbreviated today at any rate, as We are off to tape a television interview with the WaitStaff this afternoon, followed by a performance at the Murder Mystery Factory tonight.  Where, as We mentioned recently, We still need an actor, female, 20s-30s, any ethnicity, to play a soap opera star in several daytime private shows.  Paid gig, holla at Us.

For those who are keeping track, We have still received no sexts.  From Colorado, or anywhere else.

Speaking of birthdays, (and of Prince Harry’s birthday suit (as One does)) , We have leapt recently into Sagittarius, Our video for which is above.  (If We had Our finger on Our ephemeris We could tell you exactly when.  (Dirty-minded Gentle Readers with limited vocabularies just went scurrying off to Google “ephemeris” on Wikipedia.  Quests for knowledge are HAWTT.))

Here is the link with which you may share Our Sagittarius video with both of your friends:   http://youtu.be/6f1m5GLfk1Y  

And here, for your further edification, is Our very first Sagittarius video:

Moving on, didja know that We have been e-pisstling e-pissodes of these e-pisstles in one form or another since 2001?  And that the earliest dead-tree archival records from 2004 are now TEN YEARS OLD, and can be found (for a small fee) here: http://www.lulu.com/shop/eric-singel/erics-daily-horoscope-2004/paperback/product-300894.html  ? 

Thank Gawd We didn’t stray from the point.

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In celebrity birthday news, Walt Disney and Martin van Buren were both born today.  One had a profound effect on American culture.  The other one was a President.

And now, as We must go and make Ourself camera-ready, here, in lieu of call-and-response with AssHatted Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist) Kelli is A Reading from Madame Olivia:

Greetings Starzina ~

It is very good to see you again.

Time management can be a challenge, can it not? Madame Olivia recommends simplifying where possible. She is suddenly reminded of her high-achieving grandmother (a powerful Aries, as it happens), who didn't bother folding laundry but merely stuffed it in the appropriate drawer, where it lay ready for her to blindly plunge in her hand and pull out as needed. She applied the time saved to the good work she wrought as a pillar of her community. Is there a place in your life to simplify?

Dear Aries, Madame Olivia takes pleasure in reminding you that the startup energy you have expended in several realms will continue to bear fruit. Your job is to ENJOY the gifts coming your way. You would do well, though, to stop and appreciate what you're receiving. This counteracts complacency, and also heightens joy in the moment!

Keep your ears open for a special song

Our time together today is drawing to a close. Madame Olivia bids you au revoir and good luck until we meet again.

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                    

Why do birds suddenly appear every time you drink beer?

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Here She Comes Now Sayin’ Manet Monet, August Fifteenf, 2011. We are reproducing the Erix Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Adolph Hitler’s Evil Siamese Twin in case you missed it on SitOnOurFaceBook, where We did not also post its companion piece, which is subtitled, “Jeebus, Marcus, watch the teeth!” (It is the editorial policy of Erix Daily Horoscope not to dignify these Spawns Of Satan by mentioning their actual names within these pages.  For example, never once since the 2008 election have We named by name that stupid twat who couldn’t even last a whole term as governor of Alaska.  Meanwhile, this festering bitch from the Left Side Of Hell complete with vagina dentata makes the aforementioned twat look like the Bobbsey Twins on a picnic.)

Micro$oft Weird™ would like Us to change the second occurrence of “twat” in the preceding paragraph to “that”.  How ‘bout We split the difference and change it to “cunt”?

Meanwhile, you are no doubt aware that “vagina dentata” is meant to be sung to the tune of “Hakuna Matata” from The Lion King.

We just had to claw Our way up out of this genital badinage to answer the door, where a UPS lesbian presented US with Our Wedding Consultant  publicity postcards.  It may interest you to know that 3000 postcards?  Weigh 27 pounds.  Or it may not.  We don’t really give a shit.

So do you have your tickets to The Wedding Consultant yet? Seriously…do NOT fuck with Us on this one; We are NOT kidding.  http://ticketing.theatrealliance.org/sites/livearts/details.aspx?id=19622

Meanwhile, “Genital Badinage” was both Our nickname and our favorite pastime in high school.

In still other news, We had a dream this weekend which involved Jeffery Self, star of Logo’s Jeffery and Cole Casserole.   Because We are a big whore, We SitOnOurFaceBook-messaged him to tell him about it.  Because We are an even bigger whore, We are sharing that message with you:

Dear Jeffery,

Ordinarily, I don't tell people about their appearances in my dreams, especially if I don't know them personally. (I'm a little gun-shy since the Johnny Depp/restraining order incident.) But I thought I would make an exception and share this story with you.

In my dream, I was visiting my friend TCBITWWW (hi, TCBITWWW!) in LA. We were sitting in his living room with the sliding glass doors that look out on the boardwalk and the beach. (In my dreams, apparently, all Californians live on beachfront property. In real life, of course, I am aware that this is not true. Some people live in West Hollywood.)

As we were chatting, you and a friend walked by outside. I waved at you, and you waved back, then kept walking past. After you had gone, I said to myself, "He's gonna come back and stop in", and lo and behold, you did.

I let you in (you left your friend outside, presumably to run for help in case we turned out to be deranged or something), introduced you to TCBITWWW, and we had a very nice conversation for several minutes before you rejoined your friend and left.

It was only after I woke up that I realized that, when I introduced you, and throughout our entire conversation, I referred to you as "Cole Escola".

No need for a restraining order; I live on the East Coast.

Have a great day!

Eric

         

Speaking of whoring, Starzina’s Time Of The Month Horoscope: Virgo video is getting ready to drop next weekend, and We couldn’t be more excited if Jeffery Self himself made Us a casserole and brought it by Our beachfront property.  Meanwhile, has a single one of you passed the Leo video on to your friends with Leo birthdays?  If not, why not?

And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for: “Grainy raisin muffins always get me down!” exclaimed Karen Carpenter as she crammed her fingers down her throat.  Or, the HorrorScope:

As impetuous as you are in love, life constantly bombards you with lessons of patience and timing. (To say nothing of unfortunately-timed bouts of ferocious flatulence.)

(No, really.  Say.  NOTHING.)

But one day, (One fine day?)

the fates will collide and you and your perfect match will find each other.  (And We will use that perfect match to light Our farts.)

(Can We sustain an entire Erix Daily Horoscope with noting but fart jokes?  Keep an eye on Uranus and see!)

Until then, live in the best of your fiery essence, Rams.  (Do We even need to say anything here?)

Your curiosity, (Which, of course, killed the cat.  However, being the cockeyed optimist that We are, where all you see is a dead cat, We see Chinese food!  Soy-sauce-and-five-spice farts all around!)

although it’s certainly a useful asset, (Heh.  Kelli said “ass”.)

 is something you should try to keep a handle on today. (Is that a handle on Our ass, or a handle on Uranus?  And is the handle more like a doorknob, or more like a broom handle?  (Doorknobs and Broomsticks was, of course, a little-known Walt Disney porn film about a French flatulence fetishist with a pheasant feather fixation.))

It’s not wise to go exploring in unknown territory; (Especially around Uranus.)

you need to do whatever you can to keep your day on track. (And here We are, putting all of Our efforts into keeping Our day on crack.)

Don’t do anything new — especially if it involves new people or unfamiliar social situations. (Farting in church, for example.)

Stick with the faces and places you know well today. (If your face is sticky, We know what places you’ve been putting it in.  Trollop.)

Today is definitely a day to go where everybody knows your name.  (Cheers, queers. (Beer farts.))

Help others reach their potential. (As Sally Struthers would tell you, just one annoying idiot can feed a tribe of cannibals for thirty-seven days. (Soylent-Green-is-people farts. (People, people who fart people, are the luckiest people in the world.)))

Sometimes all it takes is a sincere pep talk to motivate a person.  (And sometimes an insincere poop talk will do the trick.)

Believing in someone is more important than you might realize. (Especially if they are imaginary.)

(Ooops…that was the end.  Clearly, We should be ending with a fart joke…wet fart!  Who’s got a comb?)

 (Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

Who’s the leader of the band that’s made for you and me?

Greetings, Egg Recall Incenses Chickens----

Here is your horoscope for Friday, August 20, 2010 (How’s THAT for a topical greeting, eh?  Do We have Our finger on the pulse, or what? (If We ACTUALLY had Our finger on your pulse, We would probably ask you not to close your zipper suddenly.  Also, to distract you, We might say something like, “How’s THAT for a tapioca pudding?”, which is what We actually wanted to say in the first place, but We were afraid you would think it didn’t make any sense.)):

(We just mistyped “sense” as “snese”.  Which, of course, doesn’t make any sense (or snese).  We were surprised when Micro$oft Weird™ didn’t autocorrect it, until We clicked on the red squiggly misspelling line under “snese” and were presented with choices of “sense” or “sneeze”.  Apparently, We are now using spellcheck for Mongoloid idiots. (In other news, does it make any snese  (gesundheit (thank you)) to you that, in the Year Of Our Lard 2010, the Micro$oft Weird™ spellchecker does not recognize the word “spellcheck”? (Also also, did you know that “gullible” isn’t in the dictionary?)))

(But that’s a lot of hoo-ha.  Y’all wanna talk about Boner Boy, don’t’cha?  (Oh, don’t pretend you haven’t been fixated on today’s Erix Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Loose Goose CousCous Mickey Moose.  We see you when you’re sleeping, We know when you’re awake, is that a hammer in your pocket or are you just happy to see Us?)  The most striking feature, to Us, about Boner Boy, other than the fact that he appears to be adequately blessed in the boner department, is that he has One Of Those Faces where you can see exactly how he’s gonna look as he ages.  And it ain’t gonna be pretty.  In fact, this pixture may have been taken on the very day when his attractiveness (and We use that term VERY looselygooselyMickeyMoosely) hit its peak, and We suspect it will all be downhill from there.  So, if We were (subjunctively) able to communicate with said Boner Boy, on what appears to be the very best day of his life, We would suggest to him that, as the sun is shining and the boner is boning, he should climb aboard the blond in the pink bikini and bang her like an old screen door.)

(Erix Daily Horoscope: throwing boners to the str8 bois.  Since 2001.)

(It will amuse some of you to know that Micro$oft Weird™ put its blue squiggly line of “perhaps you meant to choose some other word” under the “Moose” in “Mickey Moose”.  Hey, you watch YOUR cartoons, We’ll watch Ours.  Kiss Us quick, We’re Walt Disney.)

(Here once again is the SitOnMyFaceBook event for the fundraiser at which We will be strutting and fretting on Sunday: http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100001248400015#!/event.php?eid=136408703056751&ref=ts   )

(And here is the SitOnMyFaceBook event for the upcoming WaitStaff show in the 2010 Philly Fringe Festival, The Real Housewives of South Philly: http://www.facebook.com/pages/The-WaitStaff/177605379471?ref=ts#!/event.php?eid=140078749365736&ref=mf  Please note that that show will also be playing on September 25 at Ursinus College (for all of Our Ursinian readers), as well as the following weekend, October 2 & 3, in the Wilmington Fringe Festival (for all of Our Delawarian readers).)

(If We have Ursinian or Delawarian readers, please give Us a shout, as We are currently convinced that We have about two readers.  Neither of whom has a computer.)

(And here, for all you World War II lovers, is World War II On FaceBook (safe for work): http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1802364 )

(Here is Our video for you to continue to ignore.  (Actually, Our video was randomly reposted the other day by a SitOnMyFaceBookian friend.  A friend of his then reposted it. The kindness of strangers, and all)):

)

(Our Our-O-Scope:)

You feel totally driven to succeed today (But if you’re trying to fail, and you succeed, what have you actually done?)

— more so than usual, if that’s possible. (Does it strike anyone else as odd that both more so than usual and less so than usual are unusual?  Just Us?  Alrighty, then.)

It’s a really good day to work on your career through networking, cold calls or even just brushing off your resume. (We don’t do windows.)

(What?)

Someone close has been on your case pretty hard recently, (Um, We’re pretty sure We’d’ve noticed that.)

so you’ve been keeping your head down,(If We could get Our head down far enough, We’d never leave the house.)

 taking care of everything and forcing yourself to do right by them — without ever being asked. (Sigh. Always a bridesmaid, never a bride.  Also, always a Rubbermaid, never a rubber.)

You’ve been extremely good, (But when We were bad, We were better.)

but now is the time to let go and ask for something in return. (Now THERE’S a novel concept.)

You know how you are (Oh, SNAP!)

— stress is just a way of life. (Also, Frito’s just another word for nothing left to lose.)

Give yourself a break now and calm down. (DON’T FU(KING TELL US WHAT TO DO!!!! (Heh.  See what We did there?))

You can always be tense tomorrow! (Your son’ll come out tomorrow, bet a dollar Bottom is your son…)

(Your Euro-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com

cowgrass…the Un-cola)