Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for SunDayFunDay, December 1th , 2013.
What in the name of bleeding Jeebus, you may be wondering (if you are anything like Us (We tend to wonder rather melodramatically (you are, of course, surprised (oh, shut up))), are We doing in here, slaving and toiling and e-pisstling on a Sunday, neither in the park nor with George (We are also a musical theatre queen. (Please at least feign shock. (Thank you.)))?
Well, in addition to being the Nipples-To-The-Wind-And-Titz-Akimbo birthday Cher-ed by Bette Midler and Charlene Tilton, as well as World AIDS Day (always festive), today is the first day of Our second annual participation in Holidailies, about which more later.
But first, some birthday wishes. We shall skip the geographic references today, in the interests of brevity, which, They say, is the hole of shit. (Who are “They”, why do “They” say such stupid things, and why does anyone continue to listen to “Them”?)
Happy Birthday to Dan, who turns twenty-four today. In York. Not NEW York, mind you. And not the one in Jolly Olde Britland, neither. Which would, presumably, be Old York. What’s in between Old York and New York? Day Old York. DAY Old, Day-ay-ay Old…with a York-York here, and a York-York there, here a York, there a York…
(We have four other people to wish Happy Birthday to…this may take a while.)
(One wonders, at this juncture, which York the Peppermint Patties™ come from? Because, mmmm….Peppermint Patties™.)
Moving on…Happy Birthday also to Louie, who also turns twenty-four today. Mercifully not anywhere that will cause Us to sing Day-O for no apparent reason. Also Happy Birthday also to Chris, who also turns twenty-four today also. Also too, Happy Birthday also to Richard, who also turns twenty-four today also too. Also too, Happy Birthday also in addition to Joe, who also turns twenty-four today also too. In addition.
(We used some copy-paste to create that last paragraph. (And the ones before it. Hence the geography, where We claimed there would be nuns.) We sure hope it was seamless, and transparent to Our Gentle Readers.)
In other news, Happy Belated Birthday to Tom, and Connie, and Joanne, and Theresa, and Jason, and David, each of whom also turned twenty-four over the past few days, while We were over Joan Rivers and through James Woods.
Meanwhile, may We please tell you (mais oui) that Bryan still has no idea that all last week was Picturing Bryan’s Birthday Suit Week? Whatever has happened to these children’s social media addictions?
Speaking of all last week, We moved into Sagittarius during it, which means that We are once again sharing with you Our very most favoritest Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video with you (see above). Here is the link with which you may share it with others: http://youtu.be/6f1m5GLfk1Y You’re welcome.
And now: Holidailies:
Well, ladies and genitals, boyzzz and gurrrlllzzz, We have joined up with something called Holidailies, (which see: http://www.holidailies.org/ ), wherein We pledge Our solemn troth (doesn’t that sound painful?) to publish an e-pissode of Our blog every day of December. And, while We are certainly sure that We shall falter in Our resolve some weekend later in the month, We certainly didn’t intend to fuck up directly out of the starting gate, as it (subjunctively) were, and bring The Holidaily Police to Our door with a warrant. (Ordinarily, a phrase like “The Holidaily Police” would have spawned a joke about The Tyne Daly Police, and (naturally) a Cagney and Lacey reference, but today, We intend to press on. Like Lee™ Press-On Nails.)
So, to continue. We would wish you Happy World AIDS Day, but “Happy World AIDS Day” isn’t exactly something polite people would say. And We are NOTHING if not polite fucking people. Also, you will notice that there is all kinds of art up above on what is supposed to be A Day Without Art. Our justification for that is that the hordes of new Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! readers who come from Holidailies would have no idea that there is usually art up there if there (subjunctively) weren’t any, so to them, it wouldn’t be A Day Without Art it would just be A Day, and that’s just stupid.
And here’s the HorrorScope:
You’re slowing down today — but that’s a good thing! (Now, see, that there sentence right there really just cries out for a long, drawn-out joke about Martha Stewart on Petticoat Junction. Unfortunately, We don’t have a shot of Geritol™ to put in Our prune juice, so “long drawn-out” is somewhat beyond Our scope at the current juncture.)
(May We just mention hat Little Ricky (Keith Thibodeaux) from I Love Lucy turns sixty-three today? You’re welcome.)
Make sure that you’re taking your time with whatever is coming your way, (Never mind that…We’re trying to figger out how to take other people’s time.)
as getting it right is far more important than getting it done fast. (That would seem to totally and completely depend upon exactly what “it” is. Just sayin’.)
You need to strike while the iron is hot! (Because a sticky thyme saves wine. (That’s another one of those things that “They” say. Who keeps letting “Them” talk?))
You have a golden opportunity right in front of you, (And you know what that means: Golden Opportunity’s Knockers!)
but it’s going to head for the hills (You mean “them thar hills”, yes?)
unless you take advantage of it. (Yes, but no means no, yes?)
(Did that last sentence make anyone else dizzy?)
Why worry about the consequences (Because We can’t handle the truth?)
when there is no possible way of knowing for sure what they will be? (Or that.)
Wherever your sense of adventure went, you have got to get it back right away! (Are We going to have to go on an adventure to get back Our sense of adventure? Because, if so, We may have to go lie down first.)
Putting so much effort into minimizing your risk doesn’t always pay off, so just relax and let the chips fall where they may. (Wait…there are chips? Mmmmm….chips. (Is there dip?))
Today is a learning opportunity. (How big are its knockers?)
If you feel uncomfortable, ask yourself why (Why?)
(Oh, were We supposed to answer Ourself, too? Jeebus…stick a broom up Our ass and We’ll sweep the floor while We’re at it.)
and move on from there. (We will be doing nothing BUT moving on today. After We finish e-pisstling Dixie here, We shall be erecting (ahem) Our Christmas tree. Anybody wanna come over and help Us hang Our balls?)
If you need to be alone to mull it over, do so. (Speaking of Martin Mull, We recently re-watched Clue. Which, if you haven’t seen it in as long as We hadn’t seen it, you should look into re-seeing it, or see about seeing it for the first time, if you’ve never seen it (or have a seeing-eye dog, in which case you haven’t seen much of anything).)
Look into your heart and be honest with yourself. (Fuck that noise. Look into Uranus and lie like a Persian rug.)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.