Hello, Ducks!
Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your
Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for SunDayFunDay, December 1th , 2013.
What in the name of bleeding Jeebus, you may
be wondering (if you are anything like Us (We tend to wonder rather melodramatically
(you are, of course, surprised (oh, shut up))), are We doing in here, slaving
and toiling and e-pisstling on a Sunday, neither in the park nor with George
(We are also a musical theatre queen.
(Please at least feign shock. (Thank you.)))?
Well, in addition to being the Nipples-To-The-Wind-And-Titz-Akimbo
birthday Cher-ed by Bette Midler and Charlene Tilton, as well as World AIDS Day
(always festive), today is the first day of Our second annual participation in
Holidailies, about which more later.
But first, some birthday wishes. We shall skip the geographic references
today, in the interests of brevity, which, They say, is the hole of shit. (Who are “They”, why do “They” say such
stupid things, and why does anyone continue to listen to “Them”?)
Happy
Birthday to Dan, who turns twenty-four today. In York. Not NEW
York, mind you. And not the one in Jolly Olde Britland,
neither. Which would, presumably, be Old York. What’s in
between Old York and New York? Day Old York. DAY Old, Day-ay-ay Old…with
a York-York here, and a York-York there, here a York, there a York…
(We
have four other people to wish Happy Birthday to…this may take a while.)
(One
wonders, at this juncture, which York the Peppermint Patties™ come from?
Because, mmmm….Peppermint Patties™.)
Moving
on…Happy Birthday also to Louie, who also turns twenty-four today.
Mercifully not anywhere that will cause Us to sing Day-O for no apparent
reason. Also Happy Birthday also to Chris, who also turns twenty-four
today also. Also too, Happy Birthday also to Richard, who also turns
twenty-four today also too. Also too, Happy Birthday also in addition to Joe,
who also turns twenty-four today also too. In addition.
(We
used some copy-paste to create that last paragraph. (And the ones before
it. Hence the geography, where We
claimed there would be nuns.) We sure hope it was seamless, and transparent to
Our Gentle Readers.)
In
other news, Happy Belated Birthday to Tom, and Connie, and Joanne, and Theresa,
and Jason, and David, each of whom also turned twenty-four over the past few
days, while We were over Joan Rivers and through James Woods.
Meanwhile, may We please
tell you (mais oui) that Bryan still has no idea that all last week was
Picturing Bryan’s Birthday Suit Week?
Whatever has happened to these children’s social media addictions?
Speaking of all last week,
We moved into Sagittarius during it, which means that We are once again sharing
with you Our very most favoritest Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video with you (see above). Here is the link with which you may share it
with others: http://youtu.be/6f1m5GLfk1Y You’re welcome.
And now: Holidailies:
Well,
ladies and genitals, boyzzz and gurrrlllzzz, We have joined up with something
called Holidailies, (which see: http://www.holidailies.org/ ), wherein We pledge Our
solemn troth (doesn’t that sound painful?) to publish an e-pissode of Our blog
every day of December. And, while We are certainly sure that We shall
falter in Our resolve some weekend later in the month, We certainly didn’t
intend to fuck up directly out of the starting gate, as it (subjunctively)
were, and bring The Holidaily Police to Our door with a warrant. (Ordinarily, a
phrase like “The Holidaily Police” would have spawned a joke about The Tyne
Daly Police, and (naturally) a Cagney and Lacey reference, but today,
We intend to press on. Like Lee™ Press-On Nails.)
So,
to continue. We would wish you Happy World AIDS Day, but “Happy World
AIDS Day” isn’t exactly something polite people would say. And We are
NOTHING if not polite fucking people. Also, you will notice that there is
all kinds of art up above on what is supposed to be A Day Without Art.
Our justification for that is that the hordes of new Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!
readers who come from Holidailies would have no idea that there is usually art
up there if there (subjunctively) weren’t any, so to them, it wouldn’t be A Day
Without Art it would just be A Day, and that’s just stupid.
And here’s the HorrorScope:
You’re slowing down today — but that’s a good
thing! (Now, see, that there sentence right
there really just cries out for a long, drawn-out joke about Martha Stewart on Petticoat Junction. Unfortunately, We
don’t have a shot of Geritol™ to put in Our prune juice, so “long drawn-out”
is somewhat beyond Our scope at the current juncture.)
(May We just mention hat Little Ricky (Keith
Thibodeaux) from I Love Lucy turns
sixty-three today? You’re welcome.)
Make sure that you’re taking your time with
whatever is coming your way, (Never mind
that…We’re trying to figger out how to take other
people’s time.)
as getting it right is far more important
than getting it done fast. (That would
seem to totally and completely depend upon exactly what “it” is. Just sayin’.)
You need to strike while the iron is hot! (Because a sticky thyme saves wine. (That’s another one of those things that “They”
say. Who keeps letting “Them” talk?))
You have a golden opportunity right in front
of you, (And you know what that means:
Golden Opportunity’s Knockers!)
but it’s going to head for the hills (You
mean “them thar hills”, yes?)
unless you take advantage of it. (Yes, but no
means no, yes?)
(Did that last sentence make anyone else
dizzy?)
Why worry about the consequences (Because We
can’t handle the truth?)
when there is no possible way of knowing for
sure what they will be? (Or that.)
Wherever your sense of adventure went, you
have got to get it back right away! (Are
We going to have to go on an adventure to get back Our sense of adventure? Because, if so, We may have to go lie down
first.)
Putting so much effort into minimizing your
risk doesn’t always pay off, so just relax and let the chips fall where they
may. (Wait…there are chips? Mmmmm….chips.
(Is there dip?))
Today is a learning opportunity. (How big are
its knockers?)
If you
feel uncomfortable, ask yourself why (Why?)
(Oh, were We supposed to answer Ourself,
too? Jeebus…stick a broom up Our ass and
We’ll sweep the floor while We’re at it.)
and
move on from there. (We will be doing nothing BUT moving on today. After We finish e-pisstling Dixie here, We
shall be erecting (ahem) Our Christmas tree.
Anybody wanna come over and help Us hang Our balls?)
If you need to be alone to mull it over, do
so. (Speaking of Martin Mull, We recently re-watched Clue. Which, if you haven’t seen it in as long as We hadn’t seen
it, you should look into re-seeing it, or see about seeing it for the first
time, if you’ve never seen it (or have a seeing-eye dog, in which case you
haven’t seen much of anything).)
Look into your heart and be honest with
yourself. (Fuck that noise. Look into Uranus
and lie like a Persian rug.)
Namaste, MotherFuckers.
In gaseousness,
Starzina Starfish-Browne
(Your Your-O-Scopes:
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but
better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For
real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good
friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our
Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better
by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
*****************************************************************************
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has
Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on
the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian
helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
No comments:
Post a Comment