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Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Totally naked, baby, totally nude

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for WinesDay, December 4nd, 2013.  Happy Birthday to Our Sistah Ovella, who turns twenty-four today over in Camden, New Jersey.  Where they made up “soup in a can”.  And not a moment too soon, neither, as people were getting real tired of the previous concept, “pocketfuls of soup”.

We were about to point out, all excitedly, Our newly-learned fact that Our Sistah Ovella shares a birthday with Wink Martindale.  Turns out, We had newly-learned that self-same fact last year, and apparently, promptly forgot it.  Sometimes it seems as though Our senility has Alzheimer’s disease.

You put your brain cells in, you put your brain cells out, you put your brain cells in, and you shake ‘em all about.  You do the…

What’s that dance called again?

In other news, Happy Hump Day to the rest of all y’all.  This would be the portion of Our program where We remind you that all the excitement of Picturing Blair In The Buff Week continues apace.  We are somewhat chagrinned that this is Our third such audience recognition event (the first, of course, having been Picturing Allen And Kevin Naked Week, and the second, Picturing Bryan’s Birthday Suit Week (We’re fairly certain Bryan still has no idea that happened)), and We have yet to receive so much as one picture of any of Our honorees’ junk.  Where’s all this damn sexting these kidz are supposed to be doing?  Also, get off Our lawn!

Moving on, We have been perusing the avalanche of entries over at Holidailies™ ( ).  Holidailies™, in case you have been nakedly skimming, is a portal/porthole/piehole where a gaggle/bevy/murder of bloggers all commit to posting daily blog entries for the entire month of December.  Said entries are listed in the order in which they were posted, accompanied by a short excerpt or summary.  For which, quite frankly, Thank Gawd, because said excerpts or summaries have allowed Us and Our short attention span to pick and choose, as We could not possibly read every contribution.

Turns out, these Holidaily™ people?  Write Things That Have A Point.  Which would, at first blush, seem to make Us a whore of another color.  Long-time Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! readers, however, will recall that We DO have an overall point, which is to make YouPeople feel better (or, sometimes, saner) by comparison. 

You’re welcome.

That said, We are about to embark on a short screed which (A.) has an actual point and (2.) is quasi-serious.  Also, it has nothing to do with dick.  (You’re shocked, We can tell.)

Here We go:

(It just occurred to Us that it’s Wednesday, and We still haven’t done Sunday’s New York Times crossword puzzle.)


So We have learned, in Our twenty-four years on this little blue globe of Ours, that people have difficulty coping with unsolicited niceness.  And, this being the time of year (supposedly) when there will be more of said niceness than usual, We thought We’d offer a little insight.

Now, We’re not talking about the sort of one-off nicenesses that happen naturally in the course of everyday life.  (Although We ARE, parenthetically (hence the parentheses), concerned that, while Micro$oft Weird™ acknowledges the existence of a singular “niceness”, it refuses to allow for the existence of any MORE “nicenesses”.  Sigh.)  Anyone who’s not a complete barbarian knows that, if someone, say, holds the door for you, you say “thank you”.  If someone buys you coffee today, you say “thank you” and buy them coffee tomorrow.

(We just got distracted…when did We start following Jeff Stryker on SitOnOurFaceBook?)

But what about an ongoing campaign of niceness involving time and effort on the part of the nicer?  (For the purposes of this discussion,  We shall assume that the nicer is not incurring any financial expenses in the course of said campaign, as fiscal inequality is not a wicket into which We wish to stick it.)

(You did all get that We are now identifying the two people involved in this transaction as “the nicer (nice-er)” and “the nicee (nice-ee)”, right?)

As the nicee, you might be unable or unwilling to reciprocate.  You might even suspect the nicer of having (dun-dun-dun) ulterior motives.  And you might even be right.

But guess what?  While you are by no means obligated to give in to whatever the ulterior motives may be, or to reciprocate, or even to say “thank you” (although that last is stretching a point), you really MUST acknowledge that a niceness is happening.

Why, you ask?

Because the nicer MIGHT just be a person who does nice things.  And, if those nice things are not acknowledged, he or she might be just a little less likely to do them next time.

Which means that, by failing to at least acknowledge the nice things, you could be cheating some future recipient out of nicenesses.


Now please note that “acknowledgement” can consist of (and Our Southern Gentle Readers will understand this best) as little as the simple phrase “bless your heart”, but still, acknowledgement there must be.

(Meanwhile, “meanie” isn’t a word?  The hell?!?)

Okay, Our crossword puzzle is calling.  Moving on….

In still other news We are once again sharing with you Our very most favoritest Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope  video (Sagittarius) with you (see above).  Here is the link with which you may share it with others:  You’re welcome.

And here’s the HorrorScope…

So, wait…it’s National Cookie Day?  YouPeople never tell Us anything. (Chord Overstreet told Us.  Mmmm...Chord Overstreet...)

 You can make a real difference as long as you believe in yourself (How can We believe in Ourself when We know We’re imaginary?)

 — so make sure that you’re giving yourself the benefit of the doubt  (Why is it that the doubt only ever has one benefit?)

and marching forward toward your epic destiny!  (To say nothing of Our manifest destiny.  (That, for the non-history-buffs among you, is Our guarantee that We shall end up as wide as a continent.  (And, possibly, incontinent.)))

The best thing you can do for yourself today is to get more physically active.  (Or win PowerBall™.  That’d be okay, too.)

Jog an extra block or so. Take the stairs instead of the elevator. Park extremely far away from your destination and enjoy the fresh air. (We hate when all of a sudden Kelli starts speaking in incomprehensible tongues.)

You are capable of doing more than you think, and today is a wonderful day to push yourself. (Oh, please.  Pushing yourself is for people who don’t have pushers.)

It’s nice to feel the drive toward success, but sometimes you need to get out and walk.  (Wethinks you are, how you say, MixMastering your metaphors.)

Don’t forget to watch out for those around you who are just a wee bit shy, who may need a little encouragement to open up in sweet ways.  (We’ve already told ‘em to sext Us pictures of their junk….what the hell else are We supposed to do?)

Happy Picturing Blair In The Buff Week!

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.