Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for GoodPieRupeeTuesday, December Tenf, 2013.
SitOnMyFaceBook would have Us believe that it is nobody’s birthday today. Meanwhile, the site from which We obtain Our celebrity birthday information would like Us to know that the most popular celebrity born today is Raven Symone of That’s So Raven fame, followed, in the second-most-popular spot, by poet Emily Dickinson. Our Dilbert™ calendar would like Us to know that it is Human Rights Day, and We are thinking that, on any day when the first and second most popular celebrities are Raven Symone and Emily Dickinson, We should all have the human right to stay the hell in bed with the covers pulled over Our heads.
In other news, in case you hadn’t heard, it is snowing outside. Again. Some more. (And may We just mention, mais oui, that it is not yet even winter.) We trust that you did a good enough job of stocking up on eggs, bread, milk, and toilet paper for Sunday’s snow that you do not need to go out again for today’s, and that you can just stay in your homes, eat French toast, and shit yourself with reckless abandon.
It occurs to Us that the longer We sit here typing this, the longer We can avoid going out to shovel snow. This is gonna be a long one. (That being, clearly, what SHE said.)
Speaking of long ones, over the past month or so, We’ve celebrated Picturing Allen And Kevin Naked Week, Picturing Peter’s Peter Week, Picturing Bryan’s Birthday Suit Week, and Picturing Blair (And Ren (And Chad)) In The Buff Week. (Who, Us? Obsessed? Whatever do you peen?....er, MEAN, whatever do you MEAN?)
In the course of each of those weeks, We made several announcements that prizes would be awarded for the submission via sext, SitOnMyFaceBook message, or smoke signal of pictures of the private parts in question.
Those prizes remain, as yet, unclaimed. Last chance, gentlemen…stop making angels in the snow, put a couple extra marshmallows and a shot of bourbon in your hot chocolate, and Make. Starzina’s. Day.
Now you’re picturing Starzina’s Clint Eastwood impression…is there no LIMIT to the entertainment We provide you? All free in your morning email…
In still other news We are once again sharing with you Our very most favoritest Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video (Sagittarius) with you (see above). Here is the link with which you may share it with others: http://youtu.be/6f1m5GLfk1Y You’re welcome.
And here’s the HorrorScope…
In addition to That’s So Raven and Emily DICK-in-Son, it is also Susan Dey’s birthday. Apparently, Susan Dey now looks like Miss Jane Hathaway from The Beverly Hillbillies.
(Don’t look now, but there was a subliminal dick joke in the preceding paragraph.)
This is a fine time (To leave me, Lucille?)
to close out old projects, but not so much for starting on new ones. (So, wait…today’s snow is new snow…so shoveling it would be a new project…so it would seem that this particular asstromalogical horoscopulation would be prohibiting Us from shoveling snow. Fine. We’ll just sit here and wait for the spring thaw.)
See if you can get your coworkers to ease up, (Failing that, try to get ‘em to GREASE up.)
as you should have a pretty full plate for the time being. (Was that a fat joke?)
It’s been days since you’ve been in the mood (That’s not true…We’re ALWAYS in a mood.)
to go out and socialize, and you’re worried. (Should it worry Us that We’re worried? And that “worry” and “worried” are such weird words? And that “weird” and “wired” are so similar? And that Burt Ward had a huge penis?)
(We just slipped that last bit in there to see if you were paying attention. And to weed out the naked skimmers.)
Could this be a permanent thing for you? (Which twin has the Toni™?)
(If you understood that, you’re old.)
Nah. (“Nah.”? “NAH.”?!? Centuries of the evolution of literature, all to reach this moment, and “Nah”.)
This, too, shall pass (Like gas out your asss…)
— by late tonight, and that’s a promise. (Actually, it’s a fart joke. But call it whatever you want…)
At that point, the stars slip out of the comfy-cozy jammies they’ve been wearing in your house of secrets, and are ready, willing and able to make up for any lost time. (Okay, who gave Kelli the magic mushrooms?)
So, as per usual, (Asperger’s Syndrome.)
expect to be burning the candle at both ends as you party on down. (Euphemisms…they’re not just for breakfast any more.)
Quit living like a shark! (When you’re a Jet, you’re a Jet all the way, from your first cigarette till you bang Doris Day.)
You’re sure to be fine even if you stand still. (Hmmm. Somehow, We’re pretty sure that “stand still in a landfill” will never replace “rock out with your cock out”. Just sayin’.)
Though multi-tasking may be your best asset, it’s still time to stop rushing from thing to thing. (Are We talking Thing One and Thing Two, or just generic things?)
Just focus on your love life! (But We don’t HAVE an electron microscope…)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.