Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for WinesDay, December Elebbenf, 2013.
Well, from NO birthdays yesterday to a kabillion today! Happy Birthday to Beth, who turns twenty-four today somewhere in Colorado. Colorado is a big, square state on the way to the Left Coast where there is year-round skiing and a pleasurable absence of Mormons, who all live in Utah, which can be distinguished from Colorado because it’s not quite square, and, plus, all those Mormons, duh. Unlike, say, Wyoming, which is also a big, square state and which is, in fact, the exact same state as Colorado, except in a slightly different location, which has been known to cause some consternation amongst Coloradonians and Wyomingtonians driving home from the company holiday party after one too many eggnogs, as they frequently wind up in the opposite big, square state from the one they intended.
Mormons, of course, do not have this problem, because they all live in Utah, which can be distinguished from Colorado and Wyoming because it’s not quite square, and besides, Mormons wear magic underwear and can fly. Also, when they drink eggnog at the company holiday party, it doesn’t have any nog in it, so, really, it’s just a big cup of raw eggs, and how disgusting is that?
(It is unclear to Us why Mormons don’t drink when they supposedly believe in Jeebus, who was a famous wine drinker from way back, but We are talking about geography, not religion.)
Besides, the Mormons all live in Utah, which has nothing to do with Colorado, which is a big, square state where Beth is turning twenty-four on some ski-slope today, so Happy Birthday, Beth.
(We’re really getting the hang of this geography stuff, no?)
In less-interesting geographic news, Happy Birthday to Michael, who turns twenty-four today in New York. New York, New York, that is…The City That Doesn’t Sleep (With Us).
Also too, Happy Birthday to Darin, and to John, and to Richard, each of whom turns twenty-four today in and/or around The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.
And thank you all, gentlemen, for not living anywhere more interesting. Not that New York and Fluffya aren’t interesting, mind you, but We don’t feel compelled to explain where they are, and Colorado totally wore Us out.
Changing gears for a moment, in other news, We occasionally butter Our biscuit by taking surveys for cash on the WorldWideInterWebNetz. We don’t often discuss it, because it’s really boring, but yesterday We found Ourself answering in-depth questions about
“sexual well-being products”.
Now, the category of “sexual well-being products” includes items that make it easier for certain bits to get into certain other bits, items that keep certain bits from going into certain bits and causing undesirable consequences, and items that can replace certain bits entirely, batteries not included.
It is unnecessary for Us to be any more specific. Suffice it to say, as We can only barely remember That Time We Had The Sex (We are (fairly) certain it was during the Reagan administration), Our answers regarding desirable design qualities of the sexual well-being products in question may have been, how shall We say, somewhat less than germane.
We are assuming, of course (thereby showing Uma Thurman’s ass to Hume Cronyn), that they have changed The Sex since that time We had it. (They must have…they’ve changed everything else.)
So, the next time you attempt to purchase a sexual well-being product, and you discover that it smells like Brut™, plays an eight-track tape of Bernadette Peters singing “Time Heals Everything” from Mack and Mabel, and boasts “now with thirty-seven percent more marshmallow bits!”, you’ll know just whom to thank.
In still other news We are once again sharing with you Our very most favoritest Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video (Sagittarius) with you (see above). Here is the link with which you may share it with others: http://youtu.be/6f1m5GLfk1Y You’re welcome.
And here’s the HorrorScope…
It is Rider Strong’s birthday. As the saying goes, “Rider Strong, and put ‘er away wet”.
(What, you never heard that saying?)
It is also Donna Mills’ birthday. And, since her husband is the General, she can have as many marshmallow bits as she wants.
(The humor just comes in layers upon layers in here…it’s like a fucking onion or some shit.)
You should step up and use some of this amazing energy to take action — the world needs what you’ve got! (We’ve got thirty-seven percent more marshmallow bits, Bay-Beeeeeeeee!!!)
It’s a really good day for some parties, startups and other fun things that just need some initiative. (Are you kidding Us? We’ve got Christmas shopping to finish, and can barely face the idea of leaving the house.)
You can finally put whatever has been bothering you lately on the back burner. (We don’t know about you, but Our stove only has two back burners. Just sayin’.)
Spend the next few days walking on air — or maybe on water. (Or maybe flying around in Our magic underwear.)
Wherever you go, others throw themselves shamelessly at your feet. (Did she really just say that with a straight face?)
The impossible seems routine to you right now. (Well, many things are routinely impossible. So there’s that.)
You’re thrilled at the prospects in front of you and happy to be alive. (Whose horoscope is this, anyway?)
Go out and do something you never dreamed you’d get the chance to do. (Paging Johnny Depp…Johnny Depp to the white courtesy phone please…)
Thinking about your own needs could do you good before you start dating just anyone. (What makes you think We’d date just anyone? (Yeah, We’d pretty much date just anyone.))
You wouldn’t go to the store without a list, (Oh, ho, HO! Wrong, Marshmallow-Bit Breath! We’re a rebel, and We’ll never never be any good!)
so write down your desires and deal-breakers. (A penis and a pulse.)
Be honest and thorough! (What are We, a fucking Boy Scout?)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.